Thursday, September 29, 2011

A Little Update

Remember my last post? The one about how much pain I was in...well here's what's going on now...

After the fun times I had on Monday, Tuesday came and I went to my internship...afterwards I was in so much pain I couldn't see myself going to school so I came home, took a Lortab, fell asleep and Neily Poo left for Logan. Tuesday was not a good night in the least bit. Lots of crying and begging for the pain to go away (yes even on Lortab the pain was unbearable). Wednesday morning I just had a feeling that I needed to go to the dentist one more time, I can't explain why because there was nothing there two days ago, but I went in and guess what? Yep...I needed a root canal. My dentist worked his magic and got that taken care of and I went back to my parents' (there's no way I was going to take care of my children on my own). After the numbness wore off...the pain began again. Seriously people, I have a high pain tolerance, I'm not a baby, and I would just lay there and cry.

I woke up this morning with some pain (what do you expect, I hadn't had a Lortab in like, what, 6 hours) but was able to get up and get ready for the day. It's now 6 pm and I haven't had a Lortab since 11:30...this is truly a miracle! Don't get me wrong, there is still some pain in my jaw, which is weird because the pain isn't located anywhere near where the root canal was, but it's so much better. We're all hoping and praying this answers everything.

I want to thank everybody for their prayers and support, I feel like such a baby now, but it was much appreciated. Can I tell you guys how much I love my dentist? He's seriously the best dentist this world has ever seen. He goes out of his way for me, I mean he literally fit my in to his crazy schedule two days in one week, he could have simply said he couldn't do it. He honestly cares about his patients and wants to help them in every way he can, and his staff is absolutely amazing, don't even get me started on them. I HATE going to the dentist, but knowing that I'll have my dentist and his assistant working on me calms the dread. Sorry, tangent, but it's true...I drive an hour out of my way just for my dentist...and my doctor...I have trust issues and I know I can trust these two.

Seriously, thank you everyone, it really meant the world to me that there are so many wonderful and caring people in my life. Things are finally starting to look up, and just in the nick of time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Filling You In

I've been MIA for the past few days, while the majority of the reason why I've been slacking is simply because I just didn't have anything interesting to say or I didn't feel up to it, something finally has happened...something that has me reeling yet again.

Last Saturday I started having intense pain on the right side of my face. It would come and go as it pleased but when it came...oh...it was terrible. I took Advil and Excedrin to see if that would help with the pain, and it didn't even touch it. Yesterday (Monday) morning I called my dentist to see if he could fit me in, because I thought it was a tooth or something along those lines because it was mainly hurting around my jaw. They got me in and and examined EVERYTHING, x-rays, trying to make my teeth react to stimuli, everything, and nothing happened. He came to the conclusion that it isn't my teeth. He informed me that he thinks it may be Trigeminal Neuralgia. He wasn't sure, but he wrote me a prescription for some anti-seizure meds, told me to talk with my mom about what I wanted to do, and sent me on my way. I called my mom and she talked to my doctor (she was at work with him) and I went to see him yesterday. He told me that he thinks it may be either 1) an inflamed facial nerve or 2) Trigeminal Neuralgia...we're hoping for the inflamed facial nerve. And the prescription that my dentist wrote for me, while being the most commonly prescribed medicine for TN that works the best, can't be taken if trying to become pregnant or while pregnant. Great. My doctor wrote me a prescription for steroids, if it is just an inflamed facial nerve, and if that doesn't work he gave me a prescription for Lyrica, medicine that might work and is better for you if you are trying or are pregnant....then he hit my with another curve ball...if I'm taking fertility meds it will most likely interact adversely with Lyrica, I have to talk to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). GREAT.

If it is TN, it will affect me for the rest of my life. It may lay dormant for months, even years, then one morning BAM! it's back with a vengeance. There's no known cause or cure, it usually affects people in their 40-50s, but as you can see, it can affect those that are much younger. My life has yet again been knocked out from under my feet. I'm now on Lortab for the pain, but it's not taking it all away...oh and Neil is out of town until Thursday...oh my life...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Not What I was Expecting

I had my appointment this morning to have an ultrasound and get started on taking the injectable medicine. I'm laying there and the first this the doctor says is, "Well, there's a hemorrhagic cyst right there." He measured everything, then came back to the cyst...it's the size of a kiwi. He told me that this month I'm going to have to rest, doing injections with a cyst is too dangerous...not what I was expecting...

If I don't start my period in three weeks then he will put me on Provera, do another ultrasound, and go from there. Neil wasn't with me this appointment, the first time he hasn't been with me and it was probably the time I needed him the most, but again, we weren't expecting the appointment to go as it did. As I was getting dressed, I kept telling myself not to cry until I got in the car, I could wait that long, and I did....barely.

It's one roadblock after another, after another. I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself that it will happen in due time. But this is getting to be too much. How much more can I take til I break? Sometimes I think that just stopping would be best, but when I really think about it it breaks my heart. I can't give up, not now, I can do this.

Here's to next month...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Big Fat No

That's what the pregnancy test told me when I nicely asked it if I was indeed pregnant. Nada. It's weird because this month I was okay with it...somewhat. I had a feeling before we even started that this month wasn't the month for me. I think that was one of Heavenly Father's tender mercies for me in my time of need, you know, to let me know and have time to accept the fact that I'm not pregnant before the dreaded negative comes. I didn't even cry when I found out, I almost did a few times, but I didn't. I was proud of myself. I've honestly had many feelings about this process, most of which are too personal to share, but I've known that this process is going to take longer than I want it to take, and other little intuitions. I'm thankful for those, they let me know that my loving Heavenly Father is still guiding me through this. He's still listening to my pleas, and that he still loves me.

Now Neil and I have had multiple talks about where to go if this did happen, what our choices are and what we want to do next. We've researched everything IVF entails and have decided that, at least for right now, that's not the best option for us. With me in school and juggling everything else we're juggling, I honestly don't think we could do it and stay sain. So, with that being said, we're going to do the injectable meds. We start the whole process on Monday morning. I don't know what it all entails, so I'm a little nervous about the whole process. All The nurse said was you do multiple ultrasounds and daily injections until you're ready for insemination. Sounds so pleasant, right? Yeah, I don't think so either. I have to keep my eye on the end product...another precious baby. Neil and I have decided that we will do this for one, maybe two months and then go from there. But I don't want to think about that. Let's just hope this month works. Think happy thoughts...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

She's off

Emma started preschool this morning. Look how big my baby is! She was so excited, but I noticed that when she realized that I wasn't going to stay with her, she started to get a little nervous. But I know she is doing great and she will love every minute of it! Isn't she the prettiest four year old in the world?!












Monday, September 5, 2011

Just Stop Thinking About It

It feels like I get that advice quite a lot while trying for a baby. "Just relax, stop thinking about it. It seems that whenever I stopped thinking about that is when I got pregnant." Well good for you, it's not so easy for me. I kind of really have to think about it, and I try my darnedest to relax. Some of my other favorites are, "Just remember that God's timeline is not our timeline and it will happen when Heavenly Father sees fit." But I must admit that my all time favorite is, "Well, just be grateful you already have two children." Really? I mean, really? You're really going to throw that back in my face? It's like you're saying to me, "You already have two children so stop your whining!" You don't think that hasn't crossed my mind before? You think by telling me this I'm going to walk away and think, "Oh my gosh! They were right! I need to get over it." Thank you, but I am extremely grateful for my two beautiful daughters. They are my life and love, I don't know where I would be without them in my life. The other day I was talking to a family member about this exact advice and I love her response, she stated that whether you have no children or 100, if you want another child, the heartache is the same. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Don't get my wrong, I know people who give me advice aren't meaning to be rude, they are honestly trying to help. They don't understand that their advice hurts me and continually reminds me of what I already know. I know to relax, and I try to. I know that God's timeline is not our timeline, every night I pray to him for patience and the knowledge of his plan for me. Don't get me wrong, I also pray for a baby, but I know that going through this is a learning experience, and I know that I need to learn patience. And I know that I already have two children, thanks for the reminder. Just FYI, if you know someone is dealing with infertility, please, PLEASE don't give them any advice, I can pretty much guarantee they don't want to hear it...that is unless you have also dealt with it and they ask you for advice...

As of now, I'm in the middle of the dreaded two week wait, the time between the IUI and the time I can take a test to see if I'm pregnant. It's excruciating, I read into every little thing...probably too much. I expect the worst, but hope for the best. It's a 24/7 mind game in this household.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Goings On

Has time ever seemed like it has almost come to a stop for you? I absolutely hate it when that happens, and it seems as if this week was the dreaded week for me. One day seriously felt like it drug on for a three days. It was miserable, but it looks as if I survived to tell the tale.

School started up again, and for the last time, on Monday. It felt good to finally be back in school and feel like I have some direction in my life. I really do love school, but I can't wait to be finished with it. I thought school would make time go by faster, but so far no such luck.

Emma starts preschool on Tuesday. It still baffles me that she is old enough to leave me for 2 1/2 hours three days a week. She will have a blast though. I do worry about her poor teacher, I know everyone says their children have endless energy, and I'm sure them do, but my little Emma Lou...she's in a league of her own. And to top it off she has an extremely short attention span. It will make for an interesting year.

Then there's my little Claire Bear. I love this girl! She's at the fun age where she loves to play and giggle. She jabbers her jibberish like she knows what she's talking about. She loves hanging out the door and yelling outside for "EMMAM! EMMAM!" It's so cute! She also thinks she's the funniest thing ever when you ask her to say mama, she will get a smirk on her face and say, "dada. Hehehe". How could you not love that? She also loves to take off her diaper and say "Poopoo. Poopoo." Love that girly girl!

Neil is still busy at work, as usual. But starting this week he will know how it feels to be a stay-at-home-dad two days a week while I go to work/school until 3. But then he's off to work until late that night. Crazy busy, but we love it.

Last night we watched our neighbor's chillins while they went out to dinner and a movie for Nick's birthday. We love watching the babies! They love to play with each other and have fun. Here are a few pictures. Neil makes things he calls octodogs, he gets a hotdog and slices it up, then he sticks uncooked spaghetti noodles in it, boils it until everything is cook. The kids LOVE it and gobbled it all up like it was candy!


We went to the dollar store today and we found this mask. Claire loved it and we have to take a picture.


Claire Bear and Miss Lavi Lou on a bike ride with with gang. They sit back and relax the whole time.


Emma eating her "Octodog".


All smiles! Isn't he beautiful?


Coy Boy and his "Octodog".