The most difficult test to take

I took the dreaded test again a few days ago, you know that test. It seems simple enough, pee on it and wait. That's it. But for me (and so many others I know), it's the hardest test to take. But I geared up for it, expecting to get the answer I usually get, one line, no baby, try again...but this time I got 2 very vivid clear lines. I was shocked, I grabbed the user guide out of the box to make sure I read it right (cause I guess I haven't taken enough to know?), and sure enough I read it right. I'm pregnant. It seems so surreal to say that.

The path to pregnancy this time around has been extremely spiritual, and all I can say is Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. There was no need for a fertility specialist. It's almost too good to be true. We are head over heals excited.

It all started back in November. Neil and I were at the temple, in the Celestial Room no doubt and he turns to me and says, "I think we need to start trying for another baby." Smooth move Neil, smooth move. How can you say no to that? Actually a baby was the furthest thing from my mind then. I was happy where we were and wasn't ready for baby number 4. I compromised and told him I'd go off birth control, but that's all I was willing to do. That was all he was asking for.

In December, off birth control, my period came! What the what? My body isn't normal...maybe it was just a fluke...but in January the same thing happened. I was baffled. I talked to Neil and we decided that this was probably the Lord's was of telling us(me) it's time to get going. So in February my period came again. Okay, so I'm not pregnant, but my period is regular, give or take a few days. Now I was scared, scared of getting my hopes up and ending up back where we always do, with the fertility specialist, going through our options, in our own personal Hell. So I prayed. I prayed that if we were supposed to get pregnant that it would happen without any help, I begged. I confided in Heavenly Father that it wasn't a baby I was scared of, it was going to the fertility specialist, if he would only take that out of the equation. Afterwards, I just kind of knew that this time I would get pregnant without help, I didn't know if it was me getting my hopes up, but I liked to think it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.

When my period was late in March, I didn't give it much thought. they can be off a few days or my body's going back to it's "normal" thing. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I let a few days go by before I was at Walmart picking up some things and casually decided to grab a pregnancy test, I just wanted to know for sure that my body was going back to it's normal routine. I forgot all about the test until later and decided why not, I had to pee anyway. I took it and then saw those blessed two lines!

It may have happened sooner than Neil and I had originally planned, but we are so, so, so excited! It's going to be the longest 9 months of Emma's life! She can't stop talking about the baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl, what we're going to name it, and everything else in between.

My Claire Bear

My sweet, sweet Claire. She goes 0 to 60 in .5 seconds flat. I love her so much, but at the same time she is my most challenging child. I can already imagine what the teenage years entail and I'm scared.

I can already tell too, though, that she will tend be more of an "outcast" per say. She's just content to be by herself for the most part. Even so, she wants friends so badly. She loves playing with little girls and is coming out of her little box more and more all the time.

Which is why it makes me so sad when these girls that she tries so hard to be friends with tell her things such as, "You're not my friend," "You can't play with us," or,"You can't come in the house ha ha ha ha ha ha." I try my hardest to stay out of it, because honestly I don't think Claire really gets everything they are saying to her.

But I do, and for goodness sake they are only 3, when did this start to happen so young?! It wouldn't break my heart if it only happened occasionally, but it happens more often than not. All Claire wants is a friend.

Maybe it cuts so deep because that was me as a child. All I wanted was a friend, but the neighbor girls (one of which was my cousin), treated me so badly and berated me to no end, and yet, I still hung around them and put up with it. And eventually I started believing everything they told me. I believed I was ugly, stupid, and that nobody wanted to be my friend. I don't want my Claire to feel as badly as I did throughout childhood. She deserves more than that.

Now, I know more than anyone that Claire can be difficult to reason with and play with, and as a child this can be an absolute deal breaker at times, but to taunt is crossing the line, in my opinion.

Oh, my Claire. I never thought I could hurt so much for another person. One of the many joys of being a mom.

I'll tell you how I really feel

When Neil and I decided to continue to have C-sections after Emma was born, we both knew there would be risks, complications, and various other things that could happen. But we both decided it was the best decision for us to make, and to this day I can say that we both feel this way. The number one thing that haunted me when making this decision, was the "risk" of being able to have a certain amount of children.

Those who don't know, when having multiple Cesareans, your uterus can become too thin, weak, and the scarring can become too great to support more pregnancies. The only way of know is when you have each c-section, your doctor will let you know how they personally feel about you continuing to have more children. Most know that I have always wanted a large family, around 5 of 6 chillins running around sounded perfect to me, and now that I have Clark, many have heard me say that he makes me want 100 more children (okay, so not really...but some days I think I could...that is if they were all like him).

Well, this one point was probably the most poignant to make me steer away for C-sections, but again, after thoroughly discussing it with Neil and my doctor, Neil and I decided that if we were told we needed to stop having children, then we were only meant to have than many children, plus we've always had a place in our heart for adoption. BUT, me being naive, thought that with everything else I've had to deal with when having children, this one minute thing would not happen with me, I'm screwed up enough in the baby making business, I would surely get cut some slack. Can I get an amen?

Welp, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And I'm finding out more and more everyday that this rings true for me. When Clark was born my mom gave me the news I didn't want to hear...the doctor said only one more baby. I'm not going to lie, I told my mom to stop because I didn't want to hear it, and honestly I still don't. I am grateful though, that I was given this information now instead of after I had my last, so I can have time to let it really sink in.

The knowledge of this brings a lot of emotions to surface. To say I don't think about it every day would be a flat out lie, I think about it multiple times a day, and I'm not even planning on having a baby any time soon. Because of this Neil and I have decided to hold off having the next one for a couple more years. I want everyone to be a little older so I can truly enjoy every moment of this baby.

But the biggest thing, it hurts, it hurts a lot. I may sound to selfish, and I feel selfish because hello! I have 3 wonderful, smart, beautiful children, and I get to have one more! I know of so many people who don't get that opportunity, and I'm moping about getting to have four babies. But what really stings for me is the fact that I feel as if i'm mourning the loss of a baby that I will never get the chance to meet. I just know that there is more than one baby still waiting to be a part of our family. I just don't know. I try not to talk about it because I know that as soon as I do the tears will start.

But it's okay. I get to have one more precious baby. That's more than I could ever hope for. I love being a mom to my three angels, and to know that I get one more is more than I deserve.

It's Official

This boy has an official name. On July 21, Neil blessed our boy and officially named him Clark Neil Thomas, no take backs. It was a wonderful day at my parents house and we were surrounded by our loved ones.

The money shot.

MAN! I'm sorry, but isn't my man a looker?! I can't get enough of him. At his two month check up he weighed in at a whooping 9 lbs. 7 oz.! He's chunkin' up and lookin' good! He's definitely loves his momma, and he will smile for you, but he makes you work for it. He knows his smiles are priceless so he doesn't give them away to just anybody. 

I need to start talking about something else besides Clarkie Bean, but do you blame me for going on and on about him? He melts my heart and makes me want 100 more babies. I'm one lucky lady to have three wonderful children, because they all melt my heart. And to prove that Neil (because I am the worst at taking pictures) takes pictures of our other children...

Okay, so I'm taking credit for this one, I did actually take this picture, but it was a feat!

How could that smile NOT make you melt?

P.S. Do you like how I just copy pictures from our facebook...yep that's how I roll.