When Infertiles Unite

As the night wears on I realize that today is the start of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week, or NIAW (if you want to read last year's post, click here).

Every year, this week surrounds me with memories of my own ongoing journey, because honestly it never ends. I'm reminded of the countless doctor visits, pharmacy runs, medicines taken, pregnancy tests taken, tears shed, prayers prayed, despair felt, hope lost. But more importantly I'm also reminded of the endless tears of joy cried when pregnancy was confirmed, faith built through prayer, relationship built with my Father in Heaven, understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and so much more.

I'm continually reminded of one particular night when Neil and I were trying to get pregnant before Claire. I had had a terrible day, I'm not sure if I had just had another negative pregnancy test or not, but on this day in particular I couldn't get the nagging thoughts of failure and the daydreams of being pregnant out of my head. Neil was at work, so I was left alone to wallow. As I was praying that night, I was so mad, so terribly mad that I had to carry this burden. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and asking God over and over again why he would do this to the one's he loved. "Why me?" Why did he think I was strong enough to overcome this? I went to bed that night still crying.

When I woke up the next morning, words cannot describe the comfort that was felt. Yes, there was still that stab of pain that never seemed to disappear, but it was more of a prick than a stab. I woke up with a more comprehensive understanding of the atonement. Christ has felt the deep wounds that I felt. But what also resonated was the knowledge that no matter how mad or upset I was at God, he will always love me unconditionally. The night before when I was sobbing uncontrollably, he was there holding my hand and crying with me, just was a parent does with their child. He feels my pain as his own. We are NEVER alone in this infertility journey, no matter how alone we feel, our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. With every medicine taken, shot injected, ultrasound performed, he is holding our hand and rooting us on.

The theme this year of NIAW is "Join the movement..." Everyone can help those suffering from infertility, please join them, be their support. Love them unconditionally.



http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

The Important Lessons in Life

Lately I've been one proud mamma. My baby girl (who isn't a baby anymore), who happens to go to Kindergarten sure has proved to have learned one of the most important lessons in life. What lesson is that? Why, it's treat others kindly.

Let me start by saying that Emma's been having a hard time lately, and I honestly don't know what it is. She has decided that listening to Neil or I is completely out of the question, lying is the funnest thing in the world to do, and back-talking is a-okay. I have been struggling every day with her, I try to tell myself that she is only 5 and will eventually learn, but I thought she had already learned these lessons. Whatever the reason, this too shall pass.

THEN, in the thick of this craziness that has taken over my child, and when I didn't know what to do anymore, we were summoned to her SEP conference. As we drove to meet Emma's teacher, I started running through my mind everything she could say about Emma, "She's smart, but doesn't take direction," "She has a hard time listening to authority," etc. We sat down and her teacher starts showing me Emma's work and the words, "She's so smart" pop out of her teacher's mouth. And I'm terrified of what the next words were going to be...but they weren't bad! She kept talking about how smart Emma was and how much she has already improved. I was relieved! The last thing she touched on what Emma's character...here we go. But Emma's teacher informed me what a great helper Emma was. That she always is trying her hardest to help, and she does anything she's asked to do. What the WHAT?!

And lastly, the part that makes me more proud than any other mamma...she's kind to others. Her teacher informed me that she has sat Emma next to a child in their class that has ADHD and just really struggles because Emma is kind, patient, helpful, and calms him down. I honestly almost started to cry. She gets it people, she really gets it, And she's only 5 years old.

As a mother, you worry if you're teaching your children everything they need to know to go out in the real world. For me, and with Emma, I never have worried for a second about her intellect. I know Emma is an extremely smart girl, she doesn't have to do homework for an extended period of time to get it, she actually is done within a few short minutes. So I knew I had that one in the bag. But, I naturally worry about her treatment of others. Every time I have witnessed her around others kids her age, she has seemed to be kind to them, but I worried that when she wasn't around me and there was peer-pressure to mock and make-fun of others that she might give in to that.

But what I have learned is that Emma has learned to treat others kindly (and I hope I had something to do with that knowledge). She is really a good girl,. Even though I struggle, I know she will grow up to be something special. I have had several people tell me that this girl of mine is going to change the world, I hope I can continue to teach her all she needs to know in order to do so. Emma Girl...got get 'em!

What Infertility Does to a Person

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts, I've realized that I'm at a total loss for what to say. I guess that's why I've put off writing this post. As I said previously, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I'm not the type to get all hot and bothered over a "theme", if you will, for a specific week/month to draw attention to certain diseases or disorders, but this week needs special attention. 

I'm at a loss of a way to put into words what infertility does, not just to the person suffering from it, but to the couple, to the family, to all those who are close friends/family with the one suffering from infertility. How do you explain something so personal, something so close to my heart, something, that even 40 years down the road, when I'm done having children, will still have left my heart a little broken? 

But really, I'm lucky. I've been able to get pregnant fairly quickly after fertility treatments and have had two, almost three wonderful spirits come into my life. When I hear of someone suffering from infertility my heart breaks for them, I want to give them a hug and tell them I love them. This is a disease I would never wish on my worst enemy. Some days I hate the fact that I'm one of the 1 in 8 that suffers from some form of infertility, but in all actuality I'm glad it's me and not someone else, I'm thankful that I was able to take the pain and heart-ache away from someone so they don't have to suffer and go through what so many of us have to go through. 

I want to say that after trying for a year and finally getting an answer to why Neil and I couldn't conceive on our own that we felt at peace and like all of our questions were answered...but I can't say that. Were we relieved? You better believe it, but we were also left with more questions than we came with. Now, instead of "Why can't we get pregnant", we were left with questions swirling around in our head such as, "What now? What are we supposed to do? What if this doesn't work?" etc. 

Infertility is like a maze, you can't see what's in front of you, but maybe if you turn this way instead of that you will find the finish line. If that doesn't work then backtrack and try the other route, and if that doesn't work? Back to the beginning you go to start all over to see where changes can be made. You're continually looking for the ladder that will let you see the layout of your maze journey, but the truth is, there isn't one, instead of trying to climb higher to see you finally realize that you must do the exact opposite and fall to your knees, close your eyes and pray. Pray for guidance, for patience, for knowledge, for faith, for comfort. Because that's how you're finally going to find the finish line, it may not be the finish line you had in mind, but when you finally arrive there you know it's what was planned long ago for you. 

Like I said, infertility has permanently screwed me up. Even though I'm a mom to almost three, whenever I hear of someone that is pregnant I get a stab of jealousy. Why do I do this? I have no idea and I feel so childish when it happens. I don't know their story, maybe they had gone through more than me to be blessed with their sweet baby...but it hurts all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy for them and want to celebrate in their joy, but sometimes I wish that were me. 

So what do I ask during NIAW? I ask that we all have more understanding, more love, and more knowledge of infertility. I ask that we not be so judgmental towards those women who cry instead of cheer for joy when one of their friends announces their pregnancy, that we understand why your best friend didn't show up to your baby shower. I promise it's not because she didn't want to, or that she isn't excited for you, or that she doesn't love you...it's simply because she can't face a crowd of women again with empty arms while they all hold their precious babies in theirs. It's because she can't answer another, "When are you going to have a baby?" I ask that we love all those that suffer from infertility, because honestly, that's what we need the most.