My Claire Bear

My sweet, sweet Claire. She goes 0 to 60 in .5 seconds flat. I love her so much, but at the same time she is my most challenging child. I can already imagine what the teenage years entail and I'm scared.

I can already tell too, though, that she will tend be more of an "outcast" per say. She's just content to be by herself for the most part. Even so, she wants friends so badly. She loves playing with little girls and is coming out of her little box more and more all the time.

Which is why it makes me so sad when these girls that she tries so hard to be friends with tell her things such as, "You're not my friend," "You can't play with us," or,"You can't come in the house ha ha ha ha ha ha." I try my hardest to stay out of it, because honestly I don't think Claire really gets everything they are saying to her.

But I do, and for goodness sake they are only 3, when did this start to happen so young?! It wouldn't break my heart if it only happened occasionally, but it happens more often than not. All Claire wants is a friend.

Maybe it cuts so deep because that was me as a child. All I wanted was a friend, but the neighbor girls (one of which was my cousin), treated me so badly and berated me to no end, and yet, I still hung around them and put up with it. And eventually I started believing everything they told me. I believed I was ugly, stupid, and that nobody wanted to be my friend. I don't want my Claire to feel as badly as I did throughout childhood. She deserves more than that.

Now, I know more than anyone that Claire can be difficult to reason with and play with, and as a child this can be an absolute deal breaker at times, but to taunt is crossing the line, in my opinion.

Oh, my Claire. I never thought I could hurt so much for another person. One of the many joys of being a mom.

Really?

It's been over a month since I last posted? How pathetic am I? It's probably because our lives are fairly boring these days. Just filled with school (Emma and Neil), work (Neil), and looking good (all my beauties). I think it's safe to say that fall has officially reared it's head, but that's okay. Fall is my favorite time of the year. I just absolutely LOVE the feeling it brings and the smell of fall.

Can you believe Clark is going to be a whole 5 months old this week?! Not going to lie, it makes me kind of sad. It's a love/hate kind of thing. He's Mr. Rollie Pollie now, loves to laugh and smile, and is getting so big you wouldn't believe.

Claire is still Claire. She is definitely my child that teaches me the most these days. I love that girl to death, but she's Claire...that's really the only word to describe her. But really, she's absolutely beautiful and loves her brother and sister so much. She tells me multiple times a day that she loves me. Just because. I love it. And listening to her talk to her "Clarkie Bean" and comfort him would make a grown man smile.

And Emma...what to say about her...she's growing up into such a beautiful lady. She makes friends everywhere she goes and she has so much love for everyone around her. She loves her brother and sister and is still the best big sister anyone could ask her. She loves school and is so stinking smart. She still loves violin and plays beautifully, she's excited to be playing for our Primary program next Sunday and has invited everyone she knows.

Neil's still,working like a mad man Andy going to school full time. He's a flipping genius and great and everything he tries.

And me, I'm still kicking and enjoying my family. I've lost 6 pounds (more to come later) and finally starting to get the hang of this weight loss thing.

Life is good, it's actually better than good, it's grand.

He loves his fingers, especially his thumb.

My pretty girl's school picture.

The mural Neil did for work. Yep, he's amazing!

Love that boy!

Claire adores Grandma Sue's chickens

Yep, picture overload...and I could have added more.

I'll tell you how I really feel

When Neil and I decided to continue to have C-sections after Emma was born, we both knew there would be risks, complications, and various other things that could happen. But we both decided it was the best decision for us to make, and to this day I can say that we both feel this way. The number one thing that haunted me when making this decision, was the "risk" of being able to have a certain amount of children.

Those who don't know, when having multiple Cesareans, your uterus can become too thin, weak, and the scarring can become too great to support more pregnancies. The only way of know is when you have each c-section, your doctor will let you know how they personally feel about you continuing to have more children. Most know that I have always wanted a large family, around 5 of 6 chillins running around sounded perfect to me, and now that I have Clark, many have heard me say that he makes me want 100 more children (okay, so not really...but some days I think I could...that is if they were all like him).

Well, this one point was probably the most poignant to make me steer away for C-sections, but again, after thoroughly discussing it with Neil and my doctor, Neil and I decided that if we were told we needed to stop having children, then we were only meant to have than many children, plus we've always had a place in our heart for adoption. BUT, me being naive, thought that with everything else I've had to deal with when having children, this one minute thing would not happen with me, I'm screwed up enough in the baby making business, I would surely get cut some slack. Can I get an amen?

Welp, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And I'm finding out more and more everyday that this rings true for me. When Clark was born my mom gave me the news I didn't want to hear...the doctor said only one more baby. I'm not going to lie, I told my mom to stop because I didn't want to hear it, and honestly I still don't. I am grateful though, that I was given this information now instead of after I had my last, so I can have time to let it really sink in.

The knowledge of this brings a lot of emotions to surface. To say I don't think about it every day would be a flat out lie, I think about it multiple times a day, and I'm not even planning on having a baby any time soon. Because of this Neil and I have decided to hold off having the next one for a couple more years. I want everyone to be a little older so I can truly enjoy every moment of this baby.

But the biggest thing, it hurts, it hurts a lot. I may sound to selfish, and I feel selfish because hello! I have 3 wonderful, smart, beautiful children, and I get to have one more! I know of so many people who don't get that opportunity, and I'm moping about getting to have four babies. But what really stings for me is the fact that I feel as if i'm mourning the loss of a baby that I will never get the chance to meet. I just know that there is more than one baby still waiting to be a part of our family. I just don't know. I try not to talk about it because I know that as soon as I do the tears will start.

But it's okay. I get to have one more precious baby. That's more than I could ever hope for. I love being a mom to my three angels, and to know that I get one more is more than I deserve.

Let me tell you a Story...

This story is about a girl who has had shoulder pain for 10 wonderful years, but never dared go see what was wrong for fear of what it may be...

This story is about me. It's true, since I was about 14-15ish. I've dealt with left shoulder pain. The pain would come and go, but as time has gone on I've found that the periods between pain are shorter apart and the times with the pain are longer. I've also noticed that when I'm pregnant it can get really, really bad. But like I stated earlier, I never dared get it checked out because I didn't want to fork over the money (there I said it).

But guess what? This year we hit our deductible (imagine that, with an infant in the NICU, who wouldn't?). Since that was the case Neil and I decided to get things fixed on our body, guess what my one and only thing was? Yep, you guessed it, my shoulder. The last few years, along with the pain, my left arm goes tingly, like it has fallen asleep, even clear down into my fingers. I can't sleep on my left side because it aggravates my arm and so on and so forth. But then the question came of who to go to. My mom (can you tell how amazing she is yet?) asked the orthopedic surgeon she works with and he said to send me in and he would see what he could do...so I went in. He had me do funny things with my arm and took x-rays...at the end of the day he said it looked as if my Trapezius muscle had chronic spasming and hasn't had time to rest in 10 flipping years. Simple solution, send me to a physical therapist.

Alas, the physical therapist...he did more funny things with my arm and finally found a solution to what is really going on in there. It's called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome , you should read about it. It fits all my symptoms to a T. So he gave me some stretches and exercises to do at home and I go in once a week for Astym therapy...it's not as pleasant as it sounds. It leaves me with bruises such as this on my shoulder.

So what's really going on. Long story short. My first rib is elevated for no unknown reason, which then causes the veins, arteries, and nerves that pass between my first rib and collar bone to become pinch, resulting in loss of blood flow and whatnot to my left arm. On top of that, it irritates the muscles and causes them to spasm, which them leads to them tightening up. This all leads up to the tingling sensation in my arm and hand because of the loss of blood flow, and shoulder pain because of the tight muscles. My range of motion in my neck the first day was atrocious. 

It's fun...now I'm just kicking myself for taking 10 years to get this crap fixed. Lesson learned, lesson learned. 

Quarter of a Century

I made it! I made it to the big 2-5! I thought I would somehow feel different...more mature, older...something. But the fact is I feel just the same, I think that comes with the territory of having children.

But on my birthday I looked back on my life, I'm a quarter of a century and what do I have to show for it, what have I accomplished in life, and that's when I realized that I have done more and accomplished more if my short 25 years in life than some people do in a lifetime. I've married the man of my dreams, I have graduated college with my Bachelor degree, I have bought my first home with said man of my dreams, I have given birth to the three most beautiful children on the face of the earth (again with said man of my dreams). I've accomplished a lot, and hope to accomplish much much more in the next 25 years.

Here's to the next 25...

Le Weight...

Yep, I'm finally doing it. I'm confessing to the world that I know I need to lose the lbs. I am constantly asking myself, "How did I get here?" It's like if I could find the answer to that question I could solve world hunger. The answer is actually quite simple....I like to eat and not work-out...dum dum dum....

I look at the pictures of myself in high school and college (pretty much anything before I started having babies) and I think that I look damn good...but back then I thought I was fat. Poor, poor messed up little girl. I never had to work-out or eat right to stay at a healthy weight in those days, should I still have done that? Absolutely, but I had the mentality of a teenager (go figure).

Fast forward now about six years. After six years, fertility treatments, and three beautiful children later, I've finally hit my breaking point. The other day I looked in the mirror at myself (something I try to avoid at all costs) and I was absolutely disgusted with how I looked. That may sound harsh to some, but it was the wake-up call I needed. What have I done to myself?! Good lovin'!

At my six week postpartum check my doctor asked me about birth control. After Claire I never went on birth control because I honestly didn't see the point, and I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't needed. But when we started trying for Clark, my fertility doctor informed me that birth control can help with the side effects of PCOS, such as helping take off the weight and helping the the extra hair (yep, it's true) that we women with PCOS sometimes have. So, with that I talked to my doctor about it. He said I couldn't do Mirena because I need estrogen to help with those, so the pill it was. But then he said because I'm nursing I can't take any birth control with estrogen because it messes with your milk supply....GREAT! So I'm birth control free until I'm finished nursing again.

But now comes the hard part...figuring out how to reverse not just my eating habits, but my total way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, I totally love fruits and veggies, but I totally love my chocolate as well. I've looked online for tips and tricks, but then I have to remind myself that I'm nursing and I still need to take in extra calories for Clarkie Bean (but not as much as I have been). It's been hard to be nursing and wanting to lose weight at the same time. I am constantly hungry, I kid you not. It's really frustrating, I wasn't even this bad while pregnant. But now that I'm nursing all I want to do is eat! It's an insatiable need I have and it feels as if I can't control myself, but the reality is I can.

I've decided that I need to make slow, subtle changes until I'm finally where I want to be. First things first, I need to eat better. Plain and simple. And I'm trying, I make mistakes and slip up some days, but I'm getting better. Second thing, I need to move more. I saw on a Facebook friend's page that all she did to lose an incredible amount of weight (seriously she looks amazing!) was eat less and move more. What an ingenious idea! I know it seems simple, but hearing it again really stuck with me. So That's what I'm doing world, eating less and moving more. I'm starting really slowly, because I know if I go too fast I'll fizzle out just as fast. It took six years to get at this weight, I'm not expecting my weight to magically change over night.

You want to know my starting weight, what I weight now? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Really. Neil doesn't even know how much this big mamma jamba weighs, that's how ashamed I am. But let's just say I want to lose about 40 pounds. Let's start this weight loss journey together. One small step at a time.

It's Official

This boy has an official name. On July 21, Neil blessed our boy and officially named him Clark Neil Thomas, no take backs. It was a wonderful day at my parents house and we were surrounded by our loved ones.

The money shot.

MAN! I'm sorry, but isn't my man a looker?! I can't get enough of him. At his two month check up he weighed in at a whooping 9 lbs. 7 oz.! He's chunkin' up and lookin' good! He's definitely loves his momma, and he will smile for you, but he makes you work for it. He knows his smiles are priceless so he doesn't give them away to just anybody. 

I need to start talking about something else besides Clarkie Bean, but do you blame me for going on and on about him? He melts my heart and makes me want 100 more babies. I'm one lucky lady to have three wonderful children, because they all melt my heart. And to prove that Neil (because I am the worst at taking pictures) takes pictures of our other children...

Okay, so I'm taking credit for this one, I did actually take this picture, but it was a feat!

How could that smile NOT make you melt?

P.S. Do you like how I just copy pictures from our facebook...yep that's how I roll.