When Infertiles Unite

As the night wears on I realize that today is the start of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week, or NIAW (if you want to read last year's post, click here).

Every year, this week surrounds me with memories of my own ongoing journey, because honestly it never ends. I'm reminded of the countless doctor visits, pharmacy runs, medicines taken, pregnancy tests taken, tears shed, prayers prayed, despair felt, hope lost. But more importantly I'm also reminded of the endless tears of joy cried when pregnancy was confirmed, faith built through prayer, relationship built with my Father in Heaven, understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and so much more.

I'm continually reminded of one particular night when Neil and I were trying to get pregnant before Claire. I had had a terrible day, I'm not sure if I had just had another negative pregnancy test or not, but on this day in particular I couldn't get the nagging thoughts of failure and the daydreams of being pregnant out of my head. Neil was at work, so I was left alone to wallow. As I was praying that night, I was so mad, so terribly mad that I had to carry this burden. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and asking God over and over again why he would do this to the one's he loved. "Why me?" Why did he think I was strong enough to overcome this? I went to bed that night still crying.

When I woke up the next morning, words cannot describe the comfort that was felt. Yes, there was still that stab of pain that never seemed to disappear, but it was more of a prick than a stab. I woke up with a more comprehensive understanding of the atonement. Christ has felt the deep wounds that I felt. But what also resonated was the knowledge that no matter how mad or upset I was at God, he will always love me unconditionally. The night before when I was sobbing uncontrollably, he was there holding my hand and crying with me, just was a parent does with their child. He feels my pain as his own. We are NEVER alone in this infertility journey, no matter how alone we feel, our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. With every medicine taken, shot injected, ultrasound performed, he is holding our hand and rooting us on.

The theme this year of NIAW is "Join the movement..." Everyone can help those suffering from infertility, please join them, be their support. Love them unconditionally.



http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

I'm ch ch changing

It's true, my bod is changing!

I'm now down (close to) 22 pounds...people, that is HUGE, especially for me. That's more than what Clark weighs and close to what Claire weighs. I've lost the weight of a tiny human! Now, no worries, I know I still have a little over 18 pounds to go, but hey, I'm more than half-way there. It's totally awesome!

This past week I've really noticed how much I've shrunk. I've noticed my clothes fitting better for the past little while, but I've never noticed a huge change....but this week it finally set in that my clothes aren't just fitting better, they're getting (or are already) too big. Just today while I was getting ready for church, I decided to wear a new dress I purchased a couple weeks ago and haven't had the chance to wear. I tore off the tags, because I had already tried it on and it fit great, and slipped in on just to realize that in a two week span it had become too big for me, it looked sloppy and loose. As happy as I am, I'm kinda bummed that I don't get to wear it anymore, so back to the store it goes. But now we were running late to church so I grabbed a fairly new dress my mom had purchased for me a couple months ago and seemed a little tight when I had worn it before and what would you know? Way too big! It looked terrible on me. Now I was frantic, but no worries, I finally found something and we were only 10 minutes late or so...

Another instance this week was a few nights ago while Neil and I were chatting away. We have a large family picture of just Neil, Emma, and I when Emma was about 7 months old hanging on a wall. I looked at the picture and mentioned how I thought I could see a lot of Clark in Emma, Neil looked up and agreed and then looked at me and then back at the picture and said, "You are skinnier now than you were in that picture." I don't know if I quite agree with him, but it sure feels great to think that he thinks so. 

I'm really happy about my progress. I'm noticing it more in just the weight I've lost, but I am sleeping better at night (I used to toss and turn for hours on end and be exhausted all day), I have much more energy...so on and so forth. It's really great to see the progress and change take place over an extended period of time. I can't wait until I'm finally where I want to be...how glorious that day will be...

Not quite at my heaviest here...I think. But pretty close.

Tonight, just hanging out. 

I know I still have a long way to go, but I can see the progress and it's great. 

*Any ideas on what to do with my hair? I want to keep growing it out but I'm pretty bored with the style...I need suggestions...

And then there were four!

It's hard for me to imagine that my cranky baby girl is now three years old! Where oh where has the time gone? Claire made our family an even number (something I crave...even numbers) and help our family grow and learn more than we ever thought imaginable.

It's crazy to think that my baby that would cry non-stop has grown into my sassy three-year-old that has the most dramatic mood swings you have ever set your eyes on. She's the thing I needed the most when I needed it the most.

She is one in a million and is so hilarious words can't describe. I love my Claire Bear, just be sure to never call her Missy Moo...you will more than like see tears (we have yet to figure that one out). Her smile and singing light up a room, she is madly in love with her older sister and wants to be exactly like her in every way, and she dotes over her baby brother like no other. You want to know the best part? She still loves me and wants to cuddle with me. She's my sweetheart and I can't wait to see what the coming years bring for her. I love you Claire Doodle, happy birthday baby girl.

One year older and wiser, too.

It's that time of year again, the time where my mind wanders back six years now and reminisces on the fact that six whole years ago today my life changed more than I could have ever imagined. My Emma Lou came into the world like a hurricane. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have known that her personality wouldn't allow for her to come into this world any other way but loud, dramatic, and something I could never forget.

Today is a day where six years ago seems like it was literally yesterday. All the same feelings and emotions surface. My heart is full today. I am so grateful, grateful for the priesthood, because I know if it weren't for the power of the priesthood my Emma wouldn't be here today, playing hide-and-seek with her sister while Taylor Swift is blasting in the background. I'm also indescribably grateful for modern medicine, she wouldn't have made it any other way. I'm grateful that these two things came together to save my baby girl's life. For without her in it, I couldn't imagine a life worth living.

Emma has grown up and changed so much in the past year. She is an amazing reader, and loves to read scriptures every night. She still loves to play the violin and is absolutely amazing at it. She is the most loving, tenderhearted little girl I know. She is always looking out for her sister and brother and making sure they are taken care of.

Emma is my firstborn, and as such we have gone through many firsts together over the last six years. But she has been patient with me, she has forgiven my shortcomings and allowed for me to learn and grow with her. There are so many more scary firsts that I see in the coming years, and I hope she can remain patient while we navigate the unknown together.

Thank you, Emma. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for giving me the best six years I could ask for. Thank you for choosing me to spend eternity with. Happy Birthday baby girl.

So what about my face?

Ah....acne....such a fun subject to converse about. And you get to hear about my trials with my face! Aren't you so excited? No really, though...hear me out.

Puberty is supposed to be the time in you life when acne hits the hardest, so when I went through puberty and beyond and had a relatively easy time with my break-outs I thought I was in the clear. I very rarely had what one would call a "massive" break-out of more than 5 or so zits. Oh, and I had a bad habit of only washing my face once a day (GASP).

BUT, after I had Emma I noticed that my face was getting worse, the zits seemed to be more plentiful, but I figured my hormones were readjusting and soon I would be back to normal. Then Claire came and what would you know? My face seemed to get even worse! How was this even possible? I told myself to give it time, and now I started demonstrating with different face washes, my go-to wasn't even coming close to cutting it anymore.

And now, after Clark, even WORSE! This sucks, yo. I'm way past puberty, this shouldn't be happening. And none of the different face washes were working. I tried them all, expensive, cheap, name-brand, knock-off....EVERYTHING and nothing was changing. I was desperate, or so desperate. So I started looking online for remedies. And I can across something that seemed to be totally different than what I've been taught about cleaning my face...are you ready? Use oil to clean it. I know, right? Oil to clean oil....but like I said, I was desperate.

The ingredients were simple, castor oil and olive oil (or grapeseed, almond, avocado, etc.). I could do that. So I took the plunge and gave it a try, I could try anything for a week or two. I just started doing it a couple weeks ago, and honestly, it's not that bad. My skin definitely is not any more greasy than it was before, I think I may like it. Do I see a remarkable difference in acne...I'm not sure quite yet. But I'm still willing to give it a little while longer.

You want to know the simple recipe for your own face wash? Here it is, easy peasy:

*for acne ridden skin: 2 part castor oil and 1 parts olive oil (or whatever oil you decide on).
*for normal or combination skin (what I use): 1 part castor and 1 part olive.
*for dry skin: 1 part castor and 2 parts olive.

Mix it together and then massage it into your DRY face. When applied, get a washcloth wet with as hot of water as you can stand and lay it on your face until the washcloth cools to room temperature (about 30-60 sec.) and gently wipe off oil with washcloth.

There you have it. Give it a try. What do you think? Is it working for you? How does your skin feel after? I want to know if it is working for others.

What's up...or down?

I figured it's time to let the world in on how my little weight loss journey is going. To be honest, I'm happy...er. I've lost a total of 13 pound so far, and really, that's not a whole lot, but to me it feels like a whole lot. I lost 13 pounds by just eating better. No working out or anything of the sort...and then in December, I let the holidays take over and I gained about 4 pounds back. OUCH! I couldn't believe I let myself do that again, but I've lost it yet again. SO, when New Year's rolled around I set my first resolution in probably 8 years. It was a simple one, lose 5 pounds every month until I'm at my goal weight. And to help with the incentive, Neil's work has an amazing deal through Gold's Gym that I just couldn't pass up. A 6 month membership for $50 and if you go at least once a week you will be reimbursed until your membership is free. Ummm...yes, please.

So I have my plan, and it isn't much of a plan. But I still eat better, and everyday I'm learning new things to help me with that. And I go to Gold's Gym (which is literally only 1 mile away from our house) and work out 3 days a week. 3 days a week really isn't a whole lot, but with Neil going to school full time and working full time, and 3 kids it's plenty for right now. When things calm down I will start going more often.

Then came my next battle, what to do at the gym. I loathe running, and I really don't know how to use any of the machines. I'm getting the hang of the machines, I just basically watch what others do and imitate them. What has really helped me with running is an amazing free app called "Get Running". It is a couch to 5k program, it goes slow enough for the out of shape people like myself, but it also pushes me to the point when sometimes I'm not sure if I can keep going. But then I tell myself I can do anything for 30 more seconds (that feel like hell). I've actually really enjoyed going to the gym, it's my "me" time. I get anyway from the kids and clear my mind...it's fun.

Another app that has greatly helped me when trying to eat better is called, "My Fitness Pal". Again, it's free and it helps you keep track of everything your eating throughout the day, letting you know if you've gone over your calorie goal, and how many calories you have left for the day. It also (and this is really nice for people, like myself, that need a visual aide) shows you in graph form how much weight you have lost...it's extremely nice to see that line slowly dipping downward.

But now that I've actually put all this time, effort, and thought into how I'm going to lose this weight...my body and me and stuck in a battle. I haven't lost any weight in over a week. By body's telling me that it like where's it's at...this is where we've been for a while and it's nice. But I'm trying to tell my body that, while this is a lot better than where we were, imagine how much better we would be if we lost ever MORE weight....I think I'll eventually win, but for the time being it's a tad bit discouraging.

Whew...a novel to say the least. I'm chugging along and liking (hopefully loving soon) working out and the results I'm getting from it (even though the scale says I'm not getting any....yet). Life is great. Oh, and did you see the pictures Neil snuck on here a while back? Yeah, either did I, but aren't my kids the cutest things in the while flipping world! They are my world and I love them to death! And a huge shout out and thank you to our fabulous neighbor Christa Cox, from Chrissy Ann Photography for taking such stellar pictures, and on such short notice. That's how I roll. It was a week before Christmas and I couldn't figure out what to get Neil's or my grandparents, so I figured we'd get nice pictures taken and frame them...so Christa did those amazing pictures AND edited them in like 3 days...she rocks. If you need any pictures taken, I would recommend her.

I'm out. Peace.

Picture Time!