When Neil and I decided to continue to have C-sections after Emma was born, we both knew there would be risks, complications, and various other things that could happen. But we both decided it was the best decision for us to make, and to this day I can say that we both feel this way. The number one thing that haunted me when making this decision, was the "risk" of being able to have a certain amount of children.
Those who don't know, when having multiple Cesareans, your uterus can become too thin, weak, and the scarring can become too great to support more pregnancies. The only way of know is when you have each c-section, your doctor will let you know how they personally feel about you continuing to have more children. Most know that I have always wanted a large family, around 5 of 6 chillins running around sounded perfect to me, and now that I have Clark, many have heard me say that he makes me want 100 more children (okay, so not really...but some days I think I could...that is if they were all like him).
Well, this one point was probably the most poignant to make me steer away for C-sections, but again, after thoroughly discussing it with Neil and my doctor, Neil and I decided that if we were told we needed to stop having children, then we were only meant to have than many children, plus we've always had a place in our heart for adoption. BUT, me being naive, thought that with everything else I've had to deal with when having children, this one minute thing would not happen with me, I'm screwed up enough in the baby making business, I would surely get cut some slack. Can I get an amen?
Welp, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And I'm finding out more and more everyday that this rings true for me. When Clark was born my mom gave me the news I didn't want to hear...the doctor said only one more baby. I'm not going to lie, I told my mom to stop because I didn't want to hear it, and honestly I still don't. I am grateful though, that I was given this information now instead of after I had my last, so I can have time to let it really sink in.
The knowledge of this brings a lot of emotions to surface. To say I don't think about it every day would be a flat out lie, I think about it multiple times a day, and I'm not even planning on having a baby any time soon. Because of this Neil and I have decided to hold off having the next one for a couple more years. I want everyone to be a little older so I can truly enjoy every moment of this baby.
But the biggest thing, it hurts, it hurts a lot. I may sound to selfish, and I feel selfish because hello! I have 3 wonderful, smart, beautiful children, and I get to have one more! I know of so many people who don't get that opportunity, and I'm moping about getting to have four babies. But what really stings for me is the fact that I feel as if i'm mourning the loss of a baby that I will never get the chance to meet. I just know that there is more than one baby still waiting to be a part of our family. I just don't know. I try not to talk about it because I know that as soon as I do the tears will start.
But it's okay. I get to have one more precious baby. That's more than I could ever hope for. I love being a mom to my three angels, and to know that I get one more is more than I deserve.
