The Boy

The Boy is here, that's what I've come to call this handsome feller, because when I try to call him by his name, the name Clark usually comes out of my mouth. Probably because he's his older brother's spitting image. When I first saw him the first thing out of my mouth was that he looked just like Clark. I love him to pieces. He is an absolute angel. No worries, his name is not "The Boy", he is our Wells Michael Thomas, and we can't get enough of him.

His birth was easy peasy. I'm almost ready to do it all over again (but not really). He was born on Oct. 21 at 8:26 am. weighing in at 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 20 inches long, by far my biggest baby. It explained why I was so so so miserable.

I started having contractions the night before around 6 or 7, but I didn't think anything of it because I was so used to having irregular contractions that last for a couple hours and go away. By 9 they hadn't gone away so I tried walking around the house to see if I could walk them off. By 10 they were still there and coming every 5-10 minutes, but they weren't painful and weren't really getting worse so Neil headed off to bed. I tried relaxing and walking for another hour with nothing happening so I caved and called my mom. She suggested a warm bath, so I took a nice, warm 40 minute bath....afterwards they still hadn't gone away and felt a bit stronger, but I didn't know. I called my mom back to let her know what was going on and decided to take a shower (just in case it was labor, because I knew I wouldn't get another shower for a long time), and try to sleep for a couple of hours. I finally fell asleep close to 2 and woke up at 3 with the contractions a lot stronger and 2-4 minutes apart. I walked around the house for 30 more minutes before waking Neil up (he was definitely shocked, he didn't think I would go into labor). He jumped in the shower while I got dressed and everything packed up, then at 4 I called my amazing friend to come over and be with the kids (even though she has 4 of her own).

We left at 4:30 and got to the hospital around 5. They hooked me up and did all the fun stuff and informed me that I would be having the baby some time that day, but I was 3rd in line for the OR (2 other women came in about the same time for C-sections). So they gave me and epidural instead of a spinal to help with the pain as the contractions were intensifying. A little while later I was wheeled into the OR and Neil followed a few minutes later. After a few minutes he was here and absolutely perfect.

The tears came and Neil left my side to be with Wells. After a few minutes Neil brought him over to me and I got to hug and kiss on him all I wanted. When they transferred me off the hospital bed, Wells was placed in my arms. I about died! I had never ever been able to hold my baby right after birth, let lone keep them with me when moved to my room. It was pure heaven. The nurses informed us that he was grunting a bit, which was somewhat concerning, so they wanted to keep a close eye on him. After a few hours, and a father's blessing, the grunting finally stopped and he didn't have to be taken to the NICU (HALLELUJAH!).

That face! 

I recovered amazingly well from the C-section, better than even I imagined. I was up and walking without any trouble as soon as I got the okay from the nurses. There has been little to no pain involved. And my energy is back as much as it can be with a newborn. But I have more energy than I ever thought imaginable while I was pregnant, the moment this boy came out I felt a million times better. He was draining every ounce of my energy. 

Ready to go home.

The timing was perfect, my mom flew in the night I was released from the hospital, so she was able to soak up as much baby time as was possible. She was such a HUGE help, from cooking and cleaning, to entertaining the kids, to just letting me be my emotional self. She was amazing. Her stay made me incredibly homesick. Things are different when you have a baby out of state.

All the kids are madly in love with their little brother. Clark is probably having the hardest time adjusting, which is expected....but buddy, the crying has got to stop!

Life it crazy hectic, and I'm always tired. But I wouldn't have it any other way. My home it full of joyous noise (most of the time). and I love all my babies. Life is pretty grand.

When life gets you down

I've taken a hiatus for a while. I'm not quite sure why, or what prompted my need to do so, but I did. I kept thinking about updating this thing, but never would get around to it, but I kept getting the impression that I needed to get back on here. So here I am, not quite sure what to say or how to say it, but I'm here.

Life got crazy, like crazy crazy. Everything seemed to come at me and once, and I didn't (and still don't, to be honest) know how to handle it all. This pregnancy, as excited as I was/am, has thrown me or a huge loop. I wasn't expecting to be having a baby right now, but I am, and I really need to come to terms with that...we moved too. Yep, found a house, bought it, and moved. I love our new house, it's exactly what our family needs and we won't be outgrowing this place for a long while. I think we've found a place to settle for a long while.

The other night, while Neil and I were laying in bed watching random videos on our phones (that's what we do at night...pretty romantic, eh?), I came across this video. I know the video is about pornography addiction, but it spoke to me on a different level. I haven't been able to get the video off my mind. Marriage is hard, yo. And sometimes it's really, really hard. So hard it feels like it would be so much easier to walk away while saying, "Welp, this was fun....sayonara." But sometimes that's not the best decision. Like it says in the video, there comes a point where you either have to fix it or walk away. We have to have faith that Christ KNOWS us and he wants to help us. He knows our pains and how we're suffering, and he wants to help heal us, to heal our breaking marriage. But finding a starting point is the hard part. Where do you even begin to find where it started? What I keep coming back to, and what I can't keep our of my mind is the statement made by the wife in this video about the adversary laughing at her. I know he's laughing at Neil and I. I know he sees us, trying to fight for what we know is right, but he laughs at our inadequacies. He laughs at our shortcomings. He laughs at every wrong turn. But on the other side is Christ, he's not laughing at us, he's trying to help us overcome our inadequacies and shortcomings. He's rejoicing when we make a right turn.

This baby, this baby boy that is coming into our family in a couple short months...I never thought I would say this, but he's coming at a time when it would be easier to not have a baby. Does this mean I don't want him? NO, it just means he's coming at an "odd" time for me. I try every day to be excited. Sometimes I actually do get excited, but then comes the reality of it all. I find myself asking why Heavenly Father would allow me to become pregnant, especially when it would be so much easier to prevent it, it's not like I was expecting to get pregnant quickly or easily. I wouldn't have been surprised if we weren't pregnant right now. Then why, why did he do this to me, why now, of all times? I still haven't found the answer to this question and I don't know when I will, I just have to keep reminding myself that he knows more than me. He sees so much more, he's trying to help me see too...I just can't.

I was born at an "odd" time for my family as well. I didn't know the details growing up, and I still don't know them all, but I do know enough now to only imagine how hard it was. I can imagine my mom thinking the exact same thoughts about me as I am thinking about baby boy. Growing up I never felt less loved by my parents, but I can say I always felt like the odd man out in my family. I never understood why, and it was something I struggle with, especially in my teens. And then when I found out about the circumstances surrounding my life, it helped me slowly piece together what I had/do felt/feel. It's helped me be more okay with knowing that I will never have that familial closeness. So then, comes my struggle. I don't want this baby to feel what I felt growing up. Although, circumstances are different, some feelings of then and now are the same. I'm scared to death to make this baby not feel included. I don't want him questioning his role in the family. I don't want his siblings to make him the target. I want him to have more than me.

Then comes church, no one tells you that when one thing goes wrong, it makes doing everything else a million times harder. I only go to church because I know I need to. It's hard. I hate feeling like not wanting to go, but I don't, and I'm miserable to whole time. But I go, that has to count for something, right? I know it's me that needs to change and my attitude. But it's so draining. Then my calling suffers....the poor kids I teach pay the price. I'm never prepared like I should be, and I'm sure I'm the most boring teacher in the world...but man, just getting up and going to church wears me out.

Life, whatcha gonna do?

The most difficult test to take

I took the dreaded test again a few days ago, you know that test. It seems simple enough, pee on it and wait. That's it. But for me (and so many others I know), it's the hardest test to take. But I geared up for it, expecting to get the answer I usually get, one line, no baby, try again...but this time I got 2 very vivid clear lines. I was shocked, I grabbed the user guide out of the box to make sure I read it right (cause I guess I haven't taken enough to know?), and sure enough I read it right. I'm pregnant. It seems so surreal to say that.

The path to pregnancy this time around has been extremely spiritual, and all I can say is Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. There was no need for a fertility specialist. It's almost too good to be true. We are head over heals excited.

It all started back in November. Neil and I were at the temple, in the Celestial Room no doubt and he turns to me and says, "I think we need to start trying for another baby." Smooth move Neil, smooth move. How can you say no to that? Actually a baby was the furthest thing from my mind then. I was happy where we were and wasn't ready for baby number 4. I compromised and told him I'd go off birth control, but that's all I was willing to do. That was all he was asking for.

In December, off birth control, my period came! What the what? My body isn't normal...maybe it was just a fluke...but in January the same thing happened. I was baffled. I talked to Neil and we decided that this was probably the Lord's was of telling us(me) it's time to get going. So in February my period came again. Okay, so I'm not pregnant, but my period is regular, give or take a few days. Now I was scared, scared of getting my hopes up and ending up back where we always do, with the fertility specialist, going through our options, in our own personal Hell. So I prayed. I prayed that if we were supposed to get pregnant that it would happen without any help, I begged. I confided in Heavenly Father that it wasn't a baby I was scared of, it was going to the fertility specialist, if he would only take that out of the equation. Afterwards, I just kind of knew that this time I would get pregnant without help, I didn't know if it was me getting my hopes up, but I liked to think it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.

When my period was late in March, I didn't give it much thought. they can be off a few days or my body's going back to it's "normal" thing. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I let a few days go by before I was at Walmart picking up some things and casually decided to grab a pregnancy test, I just wanted to know for sure that my body was going back to it's normal routine. I forgot all about the test until later and decided why not, I had to pee anyway. I took it and then saw those blessed two lines!

It may have happened sooner than Neil and I had originally planned, but we are so, so, so excited! It's going to be the longest 9 months of Emma's life! She can't stop talking about the baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl, what we're going to name it, and everything else in between.

When I get behind...

It seems like when I put off blogging, I REALLY put off blogging. To the point that I don't know where to start to catch up. But then something happens that kicks me in the butt and tells me I need need NEED to get back at it...blogging is my only form of journaling....awesome sauce, but not really.

My life is seriously perfect right now, I know, I know, everyone says that. But seriously, it is. My kids are growing up just as they should, they drive me absolutely nuts most days, but I wouldn't have it any other way. They love each other and honestly, even though there is some sibling fighting, it could be worse. They really do love each other.

Emma is now 7! It's crazy to think that in one year she will be baptized. My baby is totally gone, and in her place is my 7 year old. She still loves to sing, dance, and play violin. She's been playing the violin a lot lately for school and whatnot, it makes me happy to see her sharing her talent with everyone, because heaven knows that girl can play!

Claire just turned 4 and is still the sassiest little thing around. She always says some the the most off the wall things that you can't help but laugh at. I sure love her. She has a loving heart and the most vivid imagination. She plays and plays and plays all day long her the Lalaloopsy and princess dolls. She definitely coming out of the shell and is making lots of new friends, I love watching her grow up.

Clark is the craziest boy I know! He is always going! He still loves his mama the most and it makes my heart so happy. I love that boy and his crazy imagination. He's obsessed with superheroes, which makes Neil burst with pride. Every time he sees the Hulk he screams "HULK!!" as loud as he can. Love my bubba!

We finally have found a place we would like to settle down here in Texas (well a place we want to build and a house plan we like). It's going to be a long 5 months, but it will be nice to have a place to call our own. Life is grand, better than grand, it's more than I could have ever expected. And I know better is in the future! Here's to 2014!