Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Good, the Wonderful, and the Sick

Trying to think of where to begin this post is overwhelming, where to begin? Neil and my hearts' are extremely full, we couldn't be more grateful to our Heavenly Father and the blessing he has given us, the trust he has in us. We're overjoyed and feel extremely blessed to say that we are finally expecting baby number three. I am barely, barely along, but Neil had to tell everyone yesterday, when we found out on his birthday, so if we're going to post it all over Facebook, let's do it all over blogger as well, right? Why not.



It's funny, we really weren't expecting me to be pregnant at all (I mean, of course that would be nice, but we didn't think I was at all). I had been taking Provera to induce my period so we could start on the next treatment, my doctor had informed me that it slightly increases your chance of pregnancy, but I didn't think much of it and didn't even tell Neil about that part because I didn't want to make it a huge deal.

I knew it could take up to two weeks after taking Provera for your period to come, but usually I start pretty quickly after taking medicine like this, even though I have never taken Provera before. So yesterday morning after I woke up, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to get rid of those pesky "what ifs". Like I said, I knew for a fact I wasn't pregnant, Neil was out eating breakfast with his dad and twin brother for their birthday and we had an extra test that would just go to waste if I didn't use it. So I took it, set it on the counter and washed my hands. I look over, fully expecting the test to not be ready to read yet or for it to say, "not pregnant". Instead I see the word pregnant, I had to take a double take, then I thought for sure there was a glare and I couldn't see the "not", so I pick up the test and stare at it thinking to myself, "there's not a not there! THERE'S NOT A NOT THERE!"

I immediately start shaking and call Neil, remember he had no idea about any of this. When he answered I started crying and told him I have the best birthday present ever for him, he was really confused and asked what it was. That's when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't believe me at first, even though he knew I would never, ever joke about something like that. I took a picture and sent it to him, just so he knew I wasn't lying and that I know how to read.

We are so excited and can't wait for this new little one to join us. We joke about how we've spent thousands of dollars to go through all these procedures, doctor visits, etc. and all it took was a $4 pill and for us to do it the old fashioned way. I think from now on we'll start there. Oh, I'm not sick...yet. But I know it's coming. I can't ever escape a pregnancy without getting sick...

We want to thank everyone for their love, support and prayers. We've felt them all and we feel so grateful to have so many loving people surrounding us. Thank you everyone, we love you.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

My Story

I've decided that my infertility story is quite different than most. I've been searching the web-o-sphere, just trying to find some kind of connection with others that are dealing with what I'm dealing with. And while I can find women with heart-breaking stories, that I can connected with and understand, I also find a....void...disconnect...something with these wonderful women, mainly because they are, unfortunately, trying for their first precious baby. I have yet to meet someone who has the same infertility journey as I, so I've decided to let you all in on my unconventional story, mainly for sake that maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and be right here with me and not feel so alone.

Neil and I were married on June 2, 2006. Neil was 20 and I was 18, you heard me right, 18. On July 4, 2006, exactly one month and two days after we were wed, we found out we were expecting out first child. I was flabbergast. This was not how my life was supposed to go, but none-the-less we were excited to bring our baby girl into the world due March 16, 2007. But she surprised us and came 3 weeks early and extremely sick. She was life-flighted and stayed in the NICU for a week before coming home. I almost lost my baby and I was terrified.

When Emma was around 4 or 5 months old I started to get the feeling that it was time to try for another baby. A thought that scared the poop right out of me. Hello, do you not see how easy it was for number one to come. But I finally gave in when Emma was around 7 or 8 months old. We decided to just take it slow and see what happened. After about six months with no luck Neil and I started to get suspicious. We knew all along that my cycles were extremely irregular, I actually hadn't had one since Emma was born, but we trudged along hoping and praying that in due time we'd have another baby.

After a year of trying and no luck of becoming pregnant I went to my regular doctor to see what could be the cause. He pretty much referred me to a RE because he didn't feel comfortable doing too much. In November of 2008 Neil and I went to our first appointment with our (my) RE. He put me on Clomid for 3 months and said if that didn't work to come back.

Well, it didn't work. I went back and he told me I need to do an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if my tubes were blocked or if during any of my surgeries prior to becoming pregnant with Emma (C-section and gall bladder removal) may have caused scarring and made it difficult for the egg to implant. But that came back normal so he put me on a drug called Femara and we coupled that with IUI.

Month one, no luck. Tears in this household were plentiful. I was done, I wanted to get off the roller-coaster now, it was no longer fun. We had been doing this for almost two years and still no glimmer of a baby. Neil and I made the difficult decision that after two years we'd look into adoption...I had four months to go...

Month two of Femara and IUI...baby here we come! We got the news we'd been waiting for, Emma was going to be a big sister...and she was on March 11, 2010. We couldn't have been happier.

When Claire turned one Neil and I decided it was time to start on the path of trying for baby number three. We knew it could happen really fast, or take some time. We thought for sure we were ready to tackle this again. We'd been through this once, we knew what to expect, bring it on!

It's now been 6, going on 7, months, which don't get me wrong, really isn't a long time, especially in the infertility world. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't ready for it to be even MORE difficult than it was with Claire. I was expecting, "Here's your Femara, call when you're ready to be inseminated. Have a nice day." But it hasn't been like that at all. My emotions are completely drained. I've been hit with more roadblocks than I'd like to admit. I just want a baby, is that too much to ask for. It's a righteous desire. But I know that one day, hopefully not too far from now, I will have that precious baby (or two, I wouldn't mind getting two out of the way) and I'll be in pure bliss...until that irritating itch sets in again and it will be time to get in line for another ride of the ever so evolving roller-coaster.

You can see how my story is a little different than most. A woman was able to get pregnant without even trying, hell she was only married for a month, but then she can't have another, crazy! I hope all women that were able to get pregnant with one, two, even three, without needing help, but now want more and can't know that I don't know what you're going through, because we all experience this infertility journey differently, but I feel for you. I know the pain and loneliness from both the fertile world and the infertile world. It'a as if we're in limbo and it seems as if nobody understands what we're going through. But I also want you to know that I'm here. This needs to be talked about. Others need to know we're not just crazy baby hungry women that can't get pregnant as fast as the first time so we're automatically assuming we're infertile...we were just blessed to have an absolute miracle baby (or babies) and we have the desire to increase our family. We're dealing with infertility just like the rest of the infertile world, we put on the fake smiles (which we've mastered by now) and we pretend like we welcome all the unwanted advice. But inside we're aching, there's such a gaping hole in our hearts that nothing, no matter how hard we try, can fill. We see our children growing, getting older, and as much as we love watching them grow and develop, we miss the spirit a baby brings into the home, it's a daily reminder of the fact we already know, we need more children and we can't.