Looking in the Mirror...

I posted this before and after picture of me a while ago on Facebook/Instagram. The feedback was awesome, and I loved all the great comments and support I got for the massive change that my body has undergone over the past year. 

To be honest, I can't imagine how I was ever that girl on the left anymore. I can't believe I let myself do that, but the reality is, I did. When I showed Neil the picture on the left he said, "Well, yeah, but you were pregnant in that picture." Uh....nope. I definitely was NOT pregnant and when I brought this to his attention we both laughed for a really long time.

I'm still not at the goal weight (a little less than 10 pounds to go). But I never imagined being able to look back a year from then and say, "WOW! I did it! I really did it!" But I can, and it's amazing. It's hard and I hate it at times, but I only hate the moments, I don't hate the process as a whole. I love that I can now run longer than a minute without getting short of breath (not even exaggerating!) 

I have hated myself for a long time. Ever since I can remember, I was never smart enough, kind enough, funny enough, and yes, skinny enough. I had terrible self-esteem, I never spoke up because I thought my opinion didn't matter (those who know me know are laughing out loud, that's okay, it's true, I'm loud). I guess I finally gave up trying to be "skinny" enough. And then my self-esteem took an even bigger plunge. I wouldn't even look at myself, I would avoid pictures at all cost, I hated having myself somewhere for everyone to remember. I still remember the day that picture on the left was taken. I remember my anxiety level as Neil was taking pictures of Claire on the horse and I was right beside her, and I remember thinking, "Please don't get me in the picture, please." But he did, and there it is for all to see. 

But, now that I've not just changed how I look, I'm trying to change how I think about myself. I've seen myself become a totally different person. I'm very loud and my opinion will be heard these days. I like to laugh and have a good time, and I think I'm pretty damn funny and smart. 

But one thing is hard, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I still see that "fat" Ali. It's the strangest feeling. I see no progress and no change, yes I see my clothes are smaller, but I don't see the change on my body. The only thing I can compare it to is when you learn about eating disorders and they show you the picture of the clearly skinny, or even too skinny girl, looking in the mirror and she sees an overweight girl looking back at her. I see that girl too. I never understood how that worked until now. I have to be really good at telling myself that I'm fine, I don't actually look like that. But I do see the change when looking at two pictures side-by-side, I guess that's why I keep them around. 

I just want those who are trying and feel like a failure to never give up. It's not easy all the time, some days you rock it and others you don't. That's okay, it's not just about weight, it's about you! 

Life, Updated

I guess it's time for my monthly check-in. I promise I try to write more often, but my life isn't exciting or glamorous, so there's nothing to write about more often. Trust me, I would if I thought anything was worthy of attention.

Life is good. Emma started school a couple of weeks ago and I think she likes it, every time I ask her about it she doesn't divulge much information, but tonight when it was just her and I grocery shopping she started saying little things is Spanish while we were conversing, it made me smile. I love that girl to pieces and I can't believe how much she is growing up before my eyes. I still don't know where the last 6 years have gone.

Emma's first day of 1st grade. Uniforms are the norm in these parts.

Claire, I don't know what to day about that girl. She is starting to come out of her shell and she is probably the funniest girl in the world. She has a heart of gold and a smile to match it. She is her mommy's best friend and I never want that to change. She hardly eats a thing, some days I find myself wondering how she isn't hungry. On small bite of chicken and one small bit of broccoli and she refuses to eat anything else. It's like that for all three meals (the equivalent of that...). But she loves her fruits and veggies. She's a mystery to us all.

For dessert Emma chooses an ice cream bar while Claire chooses a carrot

And Clarkie, oh that boy has my whole heart. He is the funnest baby in the world, he is growing by leaps and bounds and I want time to freeze. He will be in nursery in 3 short months, while part of me is counting down the weeks praying I make it, the other half isn't sure how I feel about him getting so big so fast. He's the exact opposite of Claire and will eat all day. From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed he is usually sitting by the fridge or pantry begging for food. His favorites are fruit snacks and meat, any kind will do. He's all boy and I love it.

When my mom came to visit we headed for the beach, for Clark it was love and first fist full of sand

Neil and I are still in love with Texas, we wouldn't change it for the world. My mom came down a few weeks ago and stayed with us for a week and it was heaven, but upon her leaving I became more homesick than had been in a long long time. Tears were shed and the reality sunk in all over again, I couldn't get online fast enough to book our flight to Utah for Christmas.

Things are different in Texas than Utah, but one thing that never changes is the gospel, living here has made me even more grateful that I have the gospel in my life. I see the way people live, the way the treat the ones they love, and I think that I could never talk to my loved ones the way they do, they are precious to me, my heavenly Father entrusted then to me, and need to do my best to raise them as he would.

People down here do love God though, and they truly want to help others make it to heaven, Neil has been told by people that they fear we are going to Hell because we are Mormon and don't believe in God, so to help us they invite us to church with them. Neil tries to strike a deal about reading the Book of Mormon or attending church with us, but they don't want to go to Hell with us, so they pass. Neil and I giggle over these stories, if only they knew and understood like we do. There is still so much work to be done, I wish I knew how I could help better, Neil tries a work, I need to start looking for more missionary experiences.

One more for good luck

As I sit.

I hear Neil picking notes on the piano, I hear the clicking of the keys as I type, I hear the whir of the fan overhead, and I hear the hum of our home; our home in Texas.

This is our home now, I never thought I would call any place other than Utah home, I always dreamed of one day calling somewhere else home but I never thought I would have (the nerve? the courage? the confidence?) the something to be able to find a home elsewhere. But I have. It's only been a few short weeks, not even enough to say we've been her for 2 months, but it feels like we've been here for years and years. Not in a bad way, nothing of the sort, in the way newlyweds explain to others that it feels like they've been married forever, or the way a new mother will tell others that is feels like her newborn baby has always been a part of their family, I mean it in the most magical way.

I'm still scared, when I think of what's next, I've always known our plan of attack, I always imagined Neil and I in 5, 10, some-odd years building our final home and being content. But that's no longer the case, I don't know where we will build our final home. I want to go back to Utah, but I don't know if Utah will be able to offer what our family needs (mom, skip that part). .But Utah has family, familiarity, comfort, and, yes, home.

Everything has fallen into place more perfectly than I could have ever imagined, it has been as if Heavenly Father has been telling me every step of the way, "See, simply do as I ask and I will take care of the rest. I will never let you go not cared for." It's been a humbling experience, from the small things such as being able to enroll Emma in dual immersion in Texas, to the thoughts that plagued me the most...me.

That deserves more explanation. I'm an introvert, I will openly and proudly admit to that. I think it's fairly safe to say that in Utah, more specifically in our ward in Utah, I had very few to no friends. I don't say this for pity, I state it as a fact, I didn't mind. I had/have acquaintances and I had family...that was enough. Our ward in Utah was, dare I say, very unwelcoming. We had lived there for almost 5 years and upon leaving Neil and I could both say we left feeling as though we were still visitors to the ward. I had a couple friends from our ward and neighborhood, but one had moved almost 2 years ago and the other had moved just a couple of months prior, both out of state. That was all I had pretty much, only 2 people that I felt comfortable enough to stop off at their house and visit. When Neil and I moved I can tell you that only 2 people offered to help, one was out of obligation (he was just called to the bishopric and I could tell that he would have helped but he seemed relieved when we said we think we had it handled), the other was from a new girl in our neighborhood and I could tell she was genuine, but I didn't want to burden her. No one offered to help with children. Moving with 3 children was hard, hard doesn't even start to describe what we went through. I shed many tears of frustration those last few days. We weren't essential to our ward and we felt it, but again, I don't say this for pity, just as a fact and for a background for what's to come next.

The move to Texas scared me, what if I didn't make friends? Sure, in Utah I didn't have friends, but I had family. I'm an introvert and don't make friends easily...I need some sort of social interaction other than my children. I was scared, but Neil comforted me by simply saying that if we (I) absolutely hated Texas we could live there a year and come back to Utah. The first few days were rough...like extremely. I cried every. single. night. I regretted moving, I kept asking myself what I had done. I was the driving force behind Neil's decision to move. But then the first day of church came, never before in my life have I felt so loved and taken care of. After church I told Neil that people who move to Utah probably think Utahns are jerks, because seriously nothing compares to the love I felt that first terrifying Sunday in Texas. And it's never stopped. I have more friends here than I could have ever imagined possible in Utah, me and the kids are constantly going and doing with someone most days of the week. It's absolutely amazing. I have yet to hear something bad said about someone else and I LOVE it. It's a complete 180 from what I have experienced elsewhere.

Texas has been good to our family, Texans have been even better. I'm home, listening to the hum of our home, our Texan home.

The girlies ready for the new adventure!

Probably Neil's 2 favorite things about Texas.

I need to get a picture of Clark walking. It melts my heart and make me want to push him over every day! He's not allowed to grow up and not need me.

Geddy Up, Cowboy!

Has it felt like it's been forever since I've updated this thing of mine? Probably because it really has been. Whew...but we're back...I hope.

Life has been more than hectic for the last few weeks-getting our house ready to sell, finding a place to live in Texas, getting all the itinerary ready to go for our move, finding movers(!!!!), getting our butts down here in Texas, and moving into our new house....a very long few weeks. But in all actuality, it went by way, way too fast.

Texas is good, but it's just not home. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I'm missing mi casa (not my townhouse...believe you me, but my home in general). Everyone here is extremely friendly and very welcoming, and our ward...don't even get me started. I think this ward was picked just for us. It's a breath of fresh air.

A few things I have learned from our extremely short time here:
*In Texas it's not about Diet Coke, it's all about Diet Dr. Pepper...not kidding it's EVERYWHERE! I'm not complaining, I love both so it's nice to now have the option. Diet Dr. Pepper is even at McDonald's yo.
*Diet Coke here tastes really funky...I don't like it out of the fountain, it's a bummer.
*Texans are very aggressive drivers...it can get a little scary.
*Their freeways are CRAZY!
*I have yet to see a family outside playing together in their front yard...
*Restaurants use Styrofoam cups. I hate it, but you need it or else your ice melts and your drink goes warm within minutes.
*If you want to play outside it needs to be done in the morning, it gets too hot and muggy.
*Donut shops everywhere.
*Rain comes hard and fast.
*Strangers aren't afraid to parent your children. It's really interesting to be out in public and hear a complete stranger tell you child to do/not do something and then give them their reasoning. This has happened on more than one occasion. I just laugh it off, they don't mean any harm by it and they aren't rude about it.
*I get called all sorts of fun names...sweetheart, sweetie, ma'am, the list could go on.

All My Exes Live in Texas

Guys! Guess what? This is huge, like huge, huge! Are you ready?

Neil and I are taking the plunge. What plunge, you may ask. Why, we're moving....to Texas! It's not officially official (as in Neil hasn't signed the contract, because he wants to make double sure I will like it there), but it's pretty darn official.

Neil LOVES the company he works for, but these last few months he's found that there are a lot of great guys in great positions, and they are probably set for life, which is great, you want the executives of a company around for a long time. But, for people such as Neil, looking to move up in the company, it's not so great. So, Neil and I have tossed around the idea of looking for other employment, it never was that serious until a couple of weeks ago when 2 great job opportunities came up, one of which was in Texas. Long story short, Neil was offered a wonderful job in Texas, he let the other company he was interviewing with know, and we are headed out to Texas next month.

It's funny, after Neil's interview, well before he got an offer, I just knew we would be moving there. I felt at peace with it and started mentally preparing for it. I'm nervous and scared, too. I mean, I've never lived outside of Utah, and I've never even visited Texas, but that's going to be our new home.

Emma and Claire are excited, and Clark won't even know what hit him. Neil , Clark, and myself head out next week to find a house to live in for the next year (Neil's new company is playing for our housing for the next year), and we're getting our house ready to sell. It's almost surreal. I feel like I should be stressed out, but with Neil's new company taking such great care of us, it's hard to be. They have taken care of every little thing, and I couldn't be more grateful.

It's going to be hard, though, and I know it. I'm going to be away from everything I know, especially my family. I love my family and I can usually see them whenever I please, but that is going to come to a quick end. Just today, we had a family get together to celebrate my great-grandparents' birthdays and it hit me that I won't be able to attend these types of things (no matter how large or small) very much anymore. I won't be able to sit on my parent's back lawn while Emma, Claire, and Clark chase the chickens around (Claire has already informed me that she will miss Grandma Sue's chickies).

But I think I'm ready, as ready as I can be. Here's to the next chapter of life.

When Infertiles Unite

As the night wears on I realize that today is the start of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week, or NIAW (if you want to read last year's post, click here).

Every year, this week surrounds me with memories of my own ongoing journey, because honestly it never ends. I'm reminded of the countless doctor visits, pharmacy runs, medicines taken, pregnancy tests taken, tears shed, prayers prayed, despair felt, hope lost. But more importantly I'm also reminded of the endless tears of joy cried when pregnancy was confirmed, faith built through prayer, relationship built with my Father in Heaven, understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and so much more.

I'm continually reminded of one particular night when Neil and I were trying to get pregnant before Claire. I had had a terrible day, I'm not sure if I had just had another negative pregnancy test or not, but on this day in particular I couldn't get the nagging thoughts of failure and the daydreams of being pregnant out of my head. Neil was at work, so I was left alone to wallow. As I was praying that night, I was so mad, so terribly mad that I had to carry this burden. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and asking God over and over again why he would do this to the one's he loved. "Why me?" Why did he think I was strong enough to overcome this? I went to bed that night still crying.

When I woke up the next morning, words cannot describe the comfort that was felt. Yes, there was still that stab of pain that never seemed to disappear, but it was more of a prick than a stab. I woke up with a more comprehensive understanding of the atonement. Christ has felt the deep wounds that I felt. But what also resonated was the knowledge that no matter how mad or upset I was at God, he will always love me unconditionally. The night before when I was sobbing uncontrollably, he was there holding my hand and crying with me, just was a parent does with their child. He feels my pain as his own. We are NEVER alone in this infertility journey, no matter how alone we feel, our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. With every medicine taken, shot injected, ultrasound performed, he is holding our hand and rooting us on.

The theme this year of NIAW is "Join the movement..." Everyone can help those suffering from infertility, please join them, be their support. Love them unconditionally.



http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

I'm ch ch changing

It's true, my bod is changing!

I'm now down (close to) 22 pounds...people, that is HUGE, especially for me. That's more than what Clark weighs and close to what Claire weighs. I've lost the weight of a tiny human! Now, no worries, I know I still have a little over 18 pounds to go, but hey, I'm more than half-way there. It's totally awesome!

This past week I've really noticed how much I've shrunk. I've noticed my clothes fitting better for the past little while, but I've never noticed a huge change....but this week it finally set in that my clothes aren't just fitting better, they're getting (or are already) too big. Just today while I was getting ready for church, I decided to wear a new dress I purchased a couple weeks ago and haven't had the chance to wear. I tore off the tags, because I had already tried it on and it fit great, and slipped in on just to realize that in a two week span it had become too big for me, it looked sloppy and loose. As happy as I am, I'm kinda bummed that I don't get to wear it anymore, so back to the store it goes. But now we were running late to church so I grabbed a fairly new dress my mom had purchased for me a couple months ago and seemed a little tight when I had worn it before and what would you know? Way too big! It looked terrible on me. Now I was frantic, but no worries, I finally found something and we were only 10 minutes late or so...

Another instance this week was a few nights ago while Neil and I were chatting away. We have a large family picture of just Neil, Emma, and I when Emma was about 7 months old hanging on a wall. I looked at the picture and mentioned how I thought I could see a lot of Clark in Emma, Neil looked up and agreed and then looked at me and then back at the picture and said, "You are skinnier now than you were in that picture." I don't know if I quite agree with him, but it sure feels great to think that he thinks so. 

I'm really happy about my progress. I'm noticing it more in just the weight I've lost, but I am sleeping better at night (I used to toss and turn for hours on end and be exhausted all day), I have much more energy...so on and so forth. It's really great to see the progress and change take place over an extended period of time. I can't wait until I'm finally where I want to be...how glorious that day will be...

Not quite at my heaviest here...I think. But pretty close.

Tonight, just hanging out. 

I know I still have a long way to go, but I can see the progress and it's great. 

*Any ideas on what to do with my hair? I want to keep growing it out but I'm pretty bored with the style...I need suggestions...

And then there were four!

It's hard for me to imagine that my cranky baby girl is now three years old! Where oh where has the time gone? Claire made our family an even number (something I crave...even numbers) and help our family grow and learn more than we ever thought imaginable.

It's crazy to think that my baby that would cry non-stop has grown into my sassy three-year-old that has the most dramatic mood swings you have ever set your eyes on. She's the thing I needed the most when I needed it the most.

She is one in a million and is so hilarious words can't describe. I love my Claire Bear, just be sure to never call her Missy Moo...you will more than like see tears (we have yet to figure that one out). Her smile and singing light up a room, she is madly in love with her older sister and wants to be exactly like her in every way, and she dotes over her baby brother like no other. You want to know the best part? She still loves me and wants to cuddle with me. She's my sweetheart and I can't wait to see what the coming years bring for her. I love you Claire Doodle, happy birthday baby girl.

One year older and wiser, too.

It's that time of year again, the time where my mind wanders back six years now and reminisces on the fact that six whole years ago today my life changed more than I could have ever imagined. My Emma Lou came into the world like a hurricane. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have known that her personality wouldn't allow for her to come into this world any other way but loud, dramatic, and something I could never forget.

Today is a day where six years ago seems like it was literally yesterday. All the same feelings and emotions surface. My heart is full today. I am so grateful, grateful for the priesthood, because I know if it weren't for the power of the priesthood my Emma wouldn't be here today, playing hide-and-seek with her sister while Taylor Swift is blasting in the background. I'm also indescribably grateful for modern medicine, she wouldn't have made it any other way. I'm grateful that these two things came together to save my baby girl's life. For without her in it, I couldn't imagine a life worth living.

Emma has grown up and changed so much in the past year. She is an amazing reader, and loves to read scriptures every night. She still loves to play the violin and is absolutely amazing at it. She is the most loving, tenderhearted little girl I know. She is always looking out for her sister and brother and making sure they are taken care of.

Emma is my firstborn, and as such we have gone through many firsts together over the last six years. But she has been patient with me, she has forgiven my shortcomings and allowed for me to learn and grow with her. There are so many more scary firsts that I see in the coming years, and I hope she can remain patient while we navigate the unknown together.

Thank you, Emma. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for giving me the best six years I could ask for. Thank you for choosing me to spend eternity with. Happy Birthday baby girl.

So what about my face?

Ah....acne....such a fun subject to converse about. And you get to hear about my trials with my face! Aren't you so excited? No really, though...hear me out.

Puberty is supposed to be the time in you life when acne hits the hardest, so when I went through puberty and beyond and had a relatively easy time with my break-outs I thought I was in the clear. I very rarely had what one would call a "massive" break-out of more than 5 or so zits. Oh, and I had a bad habit of only washing my face once a day (GASP).

BUT, after I had Emma I noticed that my face was getting worse, the zits seemed to be more plentiful, but I figured my hormones were readjusting and soon I would be back to normal. Then Claire came and what would you know? My face seemed to get even worse! How was this even possible? I told myself to give it time, and now I started demonstrating with different face washes, my go-to wasn't even coming close to cutting it anymore.

And now, after Clark, even WORSE! This sucks, yo. I'm way past puberty, this shouldn't be happening. And none of the different face washes were working. I tried them all, expensive, cheap, name-brand, knock-off....EVERYTHING and nothing was changing. I was desperate, or so desperate. So I started looking online for remedies. And I can across something that seemed to be totally different than what I've been taught about cleaning my face...are you ready? Use oil to clean it. I know, right? Oil to clean oil....but like I said, I was desperate.

The ingredients were simple, castor oil and olive oil (or grapeseed, almond, avocado, etc.). I could do that. So I took the plunge and gave it a try, I could try anything for a week or two. I just started doing it a couple weeks ago, and honestly, it's not that bad. My skin definitely is not any more greasy than it was before, I think I may like it. Do I see a remarkable difference in acne...I'm not sure quite yet. But I'm still willing to give it a little while longer.

You want to know the simple recipe for your own face wash? Here it is, easy peasy:

*for acne ridden skin: 2 part castor oil and 1 parts olive oil (or whatever oil you decide on).
*for normal or combination skin (what I use): 1 part castor and 1 part olive.
*for dry skin: 1 part castor and 2 parts olive.

Mix it together and then massage it into your DRY face. When applied, get a washcloth wet with as hot of water as you can stand and lay it on your face until the washcloth cools to room temperature (about 30-60 sec.) and gently wipe off oil with washcloth.

There you have it. Give it a try. What do you think? Is it working for you? How does your skin feel after? I want to know if it is working for others.

What's up...or down?

I figured it's time to let the world in on how my little weight loss journey is going. To be honest, I'm happy...er. I've lost a total of 13 pound so far, and really, that's not a whole lot, but to me it feels like a whole lot. I lost 13 pounds by just eating better. No working out or anything of the sort...and then in December, I let the holidays take over and I gained about 4 pounds back. OUCH! I couldn't believe I let myself do that again, but I've lost it yet again. SO, when New Year's rolled around I set my first resolution in probably 8 years. It was a simple one, lose 5 pounds every month until I'm at my goal weight. And to help with the incentive, Neil's work has an amazing deal through Gold's Gym that I just couldn't pass up. A 6 month membership for $50 and if you go at least once a week you will be reimbursed until your membership is free. Ummm...yes, please.

So I have my plan, and it isn't much of a plan. But I still eat better, and everyday I'm learning new things to help me with that. And I go to Gold's Gym (which is literally only 1 mile away from our house) and work out 3 days a week. 3 days a week really isn't a whole lot, but with Neil going to school full time and working full time, and 3 kids it's plenty for right now. When things calm down I will start going more often.

Then came my next battle, what to do at the gym. I loathe running, and I really don't know how to use any of the machines. I'm getting the hang of the machines, I just basically watch what others do and imitate them. What has really helped me with running is an amazing free app called "Get Running". It is a couch to 5k program, it goes slow enough for the out of shape people like myself, but it also pushes me to the point when sometimes I'm not sure if I can keep going. But then I tell myself I can do anything for 30 more seconds (that feel like hell). I've actually really enjoyed going to the gym, it's my "me" time. I get anyway from the kids and clear my mind...it's fun.

Another app that has greatly helped me when trying to eat better is called, "My Fitness Pal". Again, it's free and it helps you keep track of everything your eating throughout the day, letting you know if you've gone over your calorie goal, and how many calories you have left for the day. It also (and this is really nice for people, like myself, that need a visual aide) shows you in graph form how much weight you have lost...it's extremely nice to see that line slowly dipping downward.

But now that I've actually put all this time, effort, and thought into how I'm going to lose this weight...my body and me and stuck in a battle. I haven't lost any weight in over a week. By body's telling me that it like where's it's at...this is where we've been for a while and it's nice. But I'm trying to tell my body that, while this is a lot better than where we were, imagine how much better we would be if we lost ever MORE weight....I think I'll eventually win, but for the time being it's a tad bit discouraging.

Whew...a novel to say the least. I'm chugging along and liking (hopefully loving soon) working out and the results I'm getting from it (even though the scale says I'm not getting any....yet). Life is great. Oh, and did you see the pictures Neil snuck on here a while back? Yeah, either did I, but aren't my kids the cutest things in the while flipping world! They are my world and I love them to death! And a huge shout out and thank you to our fabulous neighbor Christa Cox, from Chrissy Ann Photography for taking such stellar pictures, and on such short notice. That's how I roll. It was a week before Christmas and I couldn't figure out what to get Neil's or my grandparents, so I figured we'd get nice pictures taken and frame them...so Christa did those amazing pictures AND edited them in like 3 days...she rocks. If you need any pictures taken, I would recommend her.

I'm out. Peace.

Picture Time!