The Important Lessons in Life

Lately I've been one proud mamma. My baby girl (who isn't a baby anymore), who happens to go to Kindergarten sure has proved to have learned one of the most important lessons in life. What lesson is that? Why, it's treat others kindly.

Let me start by saying that Emma's been having a hard time lately, and I honestly don't know what it is. She has decided that listening to Neil or I is completely out of the question, lying is the funnest thing in the world to do, and back-talking is a-okay. I have been struggling every day with her, I try to tell myself that she is only 5 and will eventually learn, but I thought she had already learned these lessons. Whatever the reason, this too shall pass.

THEN, in the thick of this craziness that has taken over my child, and when I didn't know what to do anymore, we were summoned to her SEP conference. As we drove to meet Emma's teacher, I started running through my mind everything she could say about Emma, "She's smart, but doesn't take direction," "She has a hard time listening to authority," etc. We sat down and her teacher starts showing me Emma's work and the words, "She's so smart" pop out of her teacher's mouth. And I'm terrified of what the next words were going to be...but they weren't bad! She kept talking about how smart Emma was and how much she has already improved. I was relieved! The last thing she touched on what Emma's character...here we go. But Emma's teacher informed me what a great helper Emma was. That she always is trying her hardest to help, and she does anything she's asked to do. What the WHAT?!

And lastly, the part that makes me more proud than any other mamma...she's kind to others. Her teacher informed me that she has sat Emma next to a child in their class that has ADHD and just really struggles because Emma is kind, patient, helpful, and calms him down. I honestly almost started to cry. She gets it people, she really gets it, And she's only 5 years old.

As a mother, you worry if you're teaching your children everything they need to know to go out in the real world. For me, and with Emma, I never have worried for a second about her intellect. I know Emma is an extremely smart girl, she doesn't have to do homework for an extended period of time to get it, she actually is done within a few short minutes. So I knew I had that one in the bag. But, I naturally worry about her treatment of others. Every time I have witnessed her around others kids her age, she has seemed to be kind to them, but I worried that when she wasn't around me and there was peer-pressure to mock and make-fun of others that she might give in to that.

But what I have learned is that Emma has learned to treat others kindly (and I hope I had something to do with that knowledge). She is really a good girl,. Even though I struggle, I know she will grow up to be something special. I have had several people tell me that this girl of mine is going to change the world, I hope I can continue to teach her all she needs to know in order to do so. Emma Girl...got get 'em!

Where the Wild Things Are...

This is what I live for...

My Claire Bear

My sweet, sweet Claire. She goes 0 to 60 in .5 seconds flat. I love her so much, but at the same time she is my most challenging child. I can already imagine what the teenage years entail and I'm scared.

I can already tell too, though, that she will tend be more of an "outcast" per say. She's just content to be by herself for the most part. Even so, she wants friends so badly. She loves playing with little girls and is coming out of her little box more and more all the time.

Which is why it makes me so sad when these girls that she tries so hard to be friends with tell her things such as, "You're not my friend," "You can't play with us," or,"You can't come in the house ha ha ha ha ha ha." I try my hardest to stay out of it, because honestly I don't think Claire really gets everything they are saying to her.

But I do, and for goodness sake they are only 3, when did this start to happen so young?! It wouldn't break my heart if it only happened occasionally, but it happens more often than not. All Claire wants is a friend.

Maybe it cuts so deep because that was me as a child. All I wanted was a friend, but the neighbor girls (one of which was my cousin), treated me so badly and berated me to no end, and yet, I still hung around them and put up with it. And eventually I started believing everything they told me. I believed I was ugly, stupid, and that nobody wanted to be my friend. I don't want my Claire to feel as badly as I did throughout childhood. She deserves more than that.

Now, I know more than anyone that Claire can be difficult to reason with and play with, and as a child this can be an absolute deal breaker at times, but to taunt is crossing the line, in my opinion.

Oh, my Claire. I never thought I could hurt so much for another person. One of the many joys of being a mom.

Really?

It's been over a month since I last posted? How pathetic am I? It's probably because our lives are fairly boring these days. Just filled with school (Emma and Neil), work (Neil), and looking good (all my beauties). I think it's safe to say that fall has officially reared it's head, but that's okay. Fall is my favorite time of the year. I just absolutely LOVE the feeling it brings and the smell of fall.

Can you believe Clark is going to be a whole 5 months old this week?! Not going to lie, it makes me kind of sad. It's a love/hate kind of thing. He's Mr. Rollie Pollie now, loves to laugh and smile, and is getting so big you wouldn't believe.

Claire is still Claire. She is definitely my child that teaches me the most these days. I love that girl to death, but she's Claire...that's really the only word to describe her. But really, she's absolutely beautiful and loves her brother and sister so much. She tells me multiple times a day that she loves me. Just because. I love it. And listening to her talk to her "Clarkie Bean" and comfort him would make a grown man smile.

And Emma...what to say about her...she's growing up into such a beautiful lady. She makes friends everywhere she goes and she has so much love for everyone around her. She loves her brother and sister and is still the best big sister anyone could ask her. She loves school and is so stinking smart. She still loves violin and plays beautifully, she's excited to be playing for our Primary program next Sunday and has invited everyone she knows.

Neil's still,working like a mad man Andy going to school full time. He's a flipping genius and great and everything he tries.

And me, I'm still kicking and enjoying my family. I've lost 6 pounds (more to come later) and finally starting to get the hang of this weight loss thing.

Life is good, it's actually better than good, it's grand.

He loves his fingers, especially his thumb.

My pretty girl's school picture.

The mural Neil did for work. Yep, he's amazing!

Love that boy!

Claire adores Grandma Sue's chickens

Yep, picture overload...and I could have added more.

I'll tell you how I really feel

When Neil and I decided to continue to have C-sections after Emma was born, we both knew there would be risks, complications, and various other things that could happen. But we both decided it was the best decision for us to make, and to this day I can say that we both feel this way. The number one thing that haunted me when making this decision, was the "risk" of being able to have a certain amount of children.

Those who don't know, when having multiple Cesareans, your uterus can become too thin, weak, and the scarring can become too great to support more pregnancies. The only way of know is when you have each c-section, your doctor will let you know how they personally feel about you continuing to have more children. Most know that I have always wanted a large family, around 5 of 6 chillins running around sounded perfect to me, and now that I have Clark, many have heard me say that he makes me want 100 more children (okay, so not really...but some days I think I could...that is if they were all like him).

Well, this one point was probably the most poignant to make me steer away for C-sections, but again, after thoroughly discussing it with Neil and my doctor, Neil and I decided that if we were told we needed to stop having children, then we were only meant to have than many children, plus we've always had a place in our heart for adoption. BUT, me being naive, thought that with everything else I've had to deal with when having children, this one minute thing would not happen with me, I'm screwed up enough in the baby making business, I would surely get cut some slack. Can I get an amen?

Welp, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And I'm finding out more and more everyday that this rings true for me. When Clark was born my mom gave me the news I didn't want to hear...the doctor said only one more baby. I'm not going to lie, I told my mom to stop because I didn't want to hear it, and honestly I still don't. I am grateful though, that I was given this information now instead of after I had my last, so I can have time to let it really sink in.

The knowledge of this brings a lot of emotions to surface. To say I don't think about it every day would be a flat out lie, I think about it multiple times a day, and I'm not even planning on having a baby any time soon. Because of this Neil and I have decided to hold off having the next one for a couple more years. I want everyone to be a little older so I can truly enjoy every moment of this baby.

But the biggest thing, it hurts, it hurts a lot. I may sound to selfish, and I feel selfish because hello! I have 3 wonderful, smart, beautiful children, and I get to have one more! I know of so many people who don't get that opportunity, and I'm moping about getting to have four babies. But what really stings for me is the fact that I feel as if i'm mourning the loss of a baby that I will never get the chance to meet. I just know that there is more than one baby still waiting to be a part of our family. I just don't know. I try not to talk about it because I know that as soon as I do the tears will start.

But it's okay. I get to have one more precious baby. That's more than I could ever hope for. I love being a mom to my three angels, and to know that I get one more is more than I deserve.

Let me tell you a Story...

This story is about a girl who has had shoulder pain for 10 wonderful years, but never dared go see what was wrong for fear of what it may be...

This story is about me. It's true, since I was about 14-15ish. I've dealt with left shoulder pain. The pain would come and go, but as time has gone on I've found that the periods between pain are shorter apart and the times with the pain are longer. I've also noticed that when I'm pregnant it can get really, really bad. But like I stated earlier, I never dared get it checked out because I didn't want to fork over the money (there I said it).

But guess what? This year we hit our deductible (imagine that, with an infant in the NICU, who wouldn't?). Since that was the case Neil and I decided to get things fixed on our body, guess what my one and only thing was? Yep, you guessed it, my shoulder. The last few years, along with the pain, my left arm goes tingly, like it has fallen asleep, even clear down into my fingers. I can't sleep on my left side because it aggravates my arm and so on and so forth. But then the question came of who to go to. My mom (can you tell how amazing she is yet?) asked the orthopedic surgeon she works with and he said to send me in and he would see what he could do...so I went in. He had me do funny things with my arm and took x-rays...at the end of the day he said it looked as if my Trapezius muscle had chronic spasming and hasn't had time to rest in 10 flipping years. Simple solution, send me to a physical therapist.

Alas, the physical therapist...he did more funny things with my arm and finally found a solution to what is really going on in there. It's called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome , you should read about it. It fits all my symptoms to a T. So he gave me some stretches and exercises to do at home and I go in once a week for Astym therapy...it's not as pleasant as it sounds. It leaves me with bruises such as this on my shoulder.

So what's really going on. Long story short. My first rib is elevated for no unknown reason, which then causes the veins, arteries, and nerves that pass between my first rib and collar bone to become pinch, resulting in loss of blood flow and whatnot to my left arm. On top of that, it irritates the muscles and causes them to spasm, which them leads to them tightening up. This all leads up to the tingling sensation in my arm and hand because of the loss of blood flow, and shoulder pain because of the tight muscles. My range of motion in my neck the first day was atrocious. 

It's fun...now I'm just kicking myself for taking 10 years to get this crap fixed. Lesson learned, lesson learned. 

Quarter of a Century

I made it! I made it to the big 2-5! I thought I would somehow feel different...more mature, older...something. But the fact is I feel just the same, I think that comes with the territory of having children.

But on my birthday I looked back on my life, I'm a quarter of a century and what do I have to show for it, what have I accomplished in life, and that's when I realized that I have done more and accomplished more if my short 25 years in life than some people do in a lifetime. I've married the man of my dreams, I have graduated college with my Bachelor degree, I have bought my first home with said man of my dreams, I have given birth to the three most beautiful children on the face of the earth (again with said man of my dreams). I've accomplished a lot, and hope to accomplish much much more in the next 25 years.

Here's to the next 25...

Le Weight...

Yep, I'm finally doing it. I'm confessing to the world that I know I need to lose the lbs. I am constantly asking myself, "How did I get here?" It's like if I could find the answer to that question I could solve world hunger. The answer is actually quite simple....I like to eat and not work-out...dum dum dum....

I look at the pictures of myself in high school and college (pretty much anything before I started having babies) and I think that I look damn good...but back then I thought I was fat. Poor, poor messed up little girl. I never had to work-out or eat right to stay at a healthy weight in those days, should I still have done that? Absolutely, but I had the mentality of a teenager (go figure).

Fast forward now about six years. After six years, fertility treatments, and three beautiful children later, I've finally hit my breaking point. The other day I looked in the mirror at myself (something I try to avoid at all costs) and I was absolutely disgusted with how I looked. That may sound harsh to some, but it was the wake-up call I needed. What have I done to myself?! Good lovin'!

At my six week postpartum check my doctor asked me about birth control. After Claire I never went on birth control because I honestly didn't see the point, and I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't needed. But when we started trying for Clark, my fertility doctor informed me that birth control can help with the side effects of PCOS, such as helping take off the weight and helping the the extra hair (yep, it's true) that we women with PCOS sometimes have. So, with that I talked to my doctor about it. He said I couldn't do Mirena because I need estrogen to help with those, so the pill it was. But then he said because I'm nursing I can't take any birth control with estrogen because it messes with your milk supply....GREAT! So I'm birth control free until I'm finished nursing again.

But now comes the hard part...figuring out how to reverse not just my eating habits, but my total way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, I totally love fruits and veggies, but I totally love my chocolate as well. I've looked online for tips and tricks, but then I have to remind myself that I'm nursing and I still need to take in extra calories for Clarkie Bean (but not as much as I have been). It's been hard to be nursing and wanting to lose weight at the same time. I am constantly hungry, I kid you not. It's really frustrating, I wasn't even this bad while pregnant. But now that I'm nursing all I want to do is eat! It's an insatiable need I have and it feels as if I can't control myself, but the reality is I can.

I've decided that I need to make slow, subtle changes until I'm finally where I want to be. First things first, I need to eat better. Plain and simple. And I'm trying, I make mistakes and slip up some days, but I'm getting better. Second thing, I need to move more. I saw on a Facebook friend's page that all she did to lose an incredible amount of weight (seriously she looks amazing!) was eat less and move more. What an ingenious idea! I know it seems simple, but hearing it again really stuck with me. So That's what I'm doing world, eating less and moving more. I'm starting really slowly, because I know if I go too fast I'll fizzle out just as fast. It took six years to get at this weight, I'm not expecting my weight to magically change over night.

You want to know my starting weight, what I weight now? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Really. Neil doesn't even know how much this big mamma jamba weighs, that's how ashamed I am. But let's just say I want to lose about 40 pounds. Let's start this weight loss journey together. One small step at a time.

It's Official

This boy has an official name. On July 21, Neil blessed our boy and officially named him Clark Neil Thomas, no take backs. It was a wonderful day at my parents house and we were surrounded by our loved ones.

The money shot.

MAN! I'm sorry, but isn't my man a looker?! I can't get enough of him. At his two month check up he weighed in at a whooping 9 lbs. 7 oz.! He's chunkin' up and lookin' good! He's definitely loves his momma, and he will smile for you, but he makes you work for it. He knows his smiles are priceless so he doesn't give them away to just anybody. 

I need to start talking about something else besides Clarkie Bean, but do you blame me for going on and on about him? He melts my heart and makes me want 100 more babies. I'm one lucky lady to have three wonderful children, because they all melt my heart. And to prove that Neil (because I am the worst at taking pictures) takes pictures of our other children...

Okay, so I'm taking credit for this one, I did actually take this picture, but it was a feat!

How could that smile NOT make you melt?

P.S. Do you like how I just copy pictures from our facebook...yep that's how I roll.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

I'm back! From what, you may ask? Absolutely nothing. I'm back from lounging around the house (as much as one can while taking care of three...yes three! babies. It's still so surreal to be able to say I have three!).

As I was reading through my last post of Clark Boy's birth, I was really disappointed in it. It felt very dry and blah to me. There seemed to be no emotion there and I'm really upset I let it our into the world without kicking myself. So this post is to hopefully make up for that sorry excuse of a post. Maybe I was so tired I didn't know what I was typing and I felt as if I had to get it written down so I wouldn't forget...I don't know but it was pathetic.

But I'm here to tell you all that Clark's birth (just like the birth of all my babies) is one I will never forget. To say that I loved Clark the moment I saw him wouldn't do it justice. "Love" doesn't begin to describe the feelings you have for your children. I wish there was a word in the English language that would capture how I feel about my children, but there isn't and never will be. I remember laying on the operating table watching Neil's face. I knew the moment my son was born by the look of pure joy and love that suddenly washed over Neil. He gasped as he saw our boy and his first words were, "He's beautiful! Our boy is beautiful!" Then I heard Clark let our his first cry and I was done for. I started shaking and crying. When Neil brought him over to me I couldn't believe how stunning he was. Ahhh..my baby boy was here, the one I had been dreaming of (more on this to come). 


Having a baby is the most spiritual experience I have ever had in my whole life. I'm able to see this being, this child of God, that just left the presence of our Savior and Heavenly Father, all for the chance to come to earth. I'm responsible for teaching now 3 children all they need to know to be able to go back to where they just recently left. They love and trust Neil and I enough to leave everything they know and come to us. I'm so happy to know that they chose me to be their mom. I couldn't live without them. Every baby brings a happy spirit with them. They are so pure and precious, so innocent...just perfect.

When Neil and I were trying to get pregnant with Claire there was a night when I had the most vivid dream of my life. I had just had a baby and was in the hospital with all my family. Neil and I were discussing names for our baby BOY that we had just had. Neil liked the name Hayden, to which I told him H no. But that baby boy I just had, that's what I remember most. He was small with dark hair and looked like my Emma. When I woke up the next morning I was half expecting a baby to be in my arms, because it was that realistic, and when there wasn't I cried. Now, ever since that dream I knew there was a boy waiting for me. That's why I was certain Claire was a boy, and when she wasn't I was totally taken back. But now that Clark is here and has joined our family I can honestly say, he was the boy of my dreams. He's been waiting patiently for his turn. It's yet another testament to me that my Heavenly Father is there and is real.

Oh, I have so much more to say. But I hear Clark crying for food and I mustn't be a neglectful mother. But I'm back, or at least trying to come back. To hold you over here is a totally creepy picture Neil took of our poor boy.

And one more for good measure. I had finally dressed Clark up in superhero attire and Neil wanted a picture, but Clark wasn't having it. We think it's because it was the wrong superhero....

The Story

I've been holding off writing the birth of Clark, for a couple of reasons. One, because I've been enjoying him and transitioning from 2 to 3 kids, two, I didn't know what I should tell and what I should leave out. But, I think I have it figured out now.

The Monday before Clark was born I actually had a doctor's appointment and NST (Non Stress Test). Even though I had been having contractions for a while now, they were very irregular and nothing that concerned me, and I never had any while I was having an NST...so everything was picture perfect and Dr. T. said he would see me next week. I smiled and said my good-byes, all the while thinking that Clark was coming before my next appointment.

The next day I remember thinking that Clark was going to come much sooner rather than later, I even went so far as to tell Neil that if Clark came before the week was over I wouldn't be one bit surprised, I would actually be surprised if he didn't come by then. That night I had some regular contractions, but they wore off after a couple of hours. (A disclaimer here would be that Dr. T. had informed me that if I went into labor before 37 weeks that he would technically have to send me back to Utah Valley, but he could get away with 36 weeks and 5 days, so as long as I waited until that point we were good to go...that was my goal.) I was now 36 weeks and 3 days...only two mare days until I am in the safety zone.

Wednesday went about the same and Tuesday, some more regular contractions at night, but after a while they wore off...but boy was little bean low! The time was slowly approaching.

Thursday, May 24th, I wake up and eat breakfast. Around 9 am I notice that I'm having contractions the that are coming around 5-10 minutes apart, I wait them out. The contractions don't stop, but they're not painful, I start cleaning the house and trying to take my mind off of the contractions. Around noon I end up calling my mom to inform her that she'll most likely be getting her grandson that day, I just had a feeling. Finally around 2 I knew the contractions weren't going anywhere, they were getting stronger and closer together so we get ready to head up to Heber. When I call my mom to tell her that we're heading up she informs me that Dr. T. is out of town, to which I was disappointed, but when my mom told me which doctor would be delivering bean, I knew I was in good hands. But that wasn't it, my mom also told me the nurses she's been talking to told her that since I wasn't exactly 37 weeks that I would mostly likely be taken back down to Utah Valley, I started to cry, I would NOT do that, it was bad enough that Dr. T. wasn't around, but I wanted to go to Heber. My mom talked to Dr. B. (the doctor that would be delivering bean) and after consulting with the Perinatologist, it was agreed that if I was in labor they wouldn't send me away (thank heavens!)

We get up to Heber and hooked up to everything and after only a few minutes on the NST it was decided that I would most definitely be having my son that day! We just needed to wait until the surgery that was going on was over and the room was cleaned.

Around 5 pm I was wheeled into the OR and everything began. Clark was brought into this world at 5:35 pm and I couldn't stop crying as soon as I heard his first cry. He was absolutely perfect. Neil was able to hld him right away, this had never happened with our other two children because Emma was so sick and they played it safe with Claire because what had happened with Emma. It was amazing, Neil brought him over to me and I was able to t kiss and love on him. After a few minutes it was time for Neil and Clark to go to the nursery while I finished up in the OR.

After I was back in my room my mom came in and informed me that it might be a while before Clark is brought in because he was starting to have a more difficult time breathing. Neil came in shortly after and told me the same thing, and then Dr. B. came in and went into a little more detail about everything and said if he doesn't start improving after a few hours then he would have to be taken to Utah Valley. Long story short, Clark ended up going to Utah Valley to the NICU there. I wasn't scared or worried, but I just wanted my baby with me. I was able to see him before he headed down, but it's just not the same as holding and loving on your baby.

I was discharged a couple days later and immediately headed down to the hospital to see my son. The care and everything that ensued at that hospital is a very bitter story, so I'm going to leave that part out. Let's just say that he was finally able to come home after 5 very long days and after Neil and I fighting tooth and nail with those in charge of his care. Let's just say that after Emma being sent to the U of U and Clark to Utah Valley, I know which hospital I would rather have care for my family. I will avoid Utah Valley like the plague and if any of my children are sent to the NICU again, I will not allow them to be sent there....okay, now off my soap box.

It's been a month since I gave birth to my son. One glorious, wonderful, joy filled month. I honestly couldn't be more happy with my little man, or my family for that matter. Things are going great here and I'm basking in it all. Clark sleeps for at least 6 hours straight at night (to which I can't complain), he only cries when hungry (and even then it's nothing), and he's the absolute happiest baby I have had the pleasure of meeting. He's definitely making this easy on me. I'm 100% absolutely head over heels in love with this guy. He's so fun and so flipping cute, I can't stand it.

Emma's first time seeing Clark while in the hospital.

His first bath at home.

Our Bean Has Arrived

Life is starting to finally slow down here in the Thomas household, at least a tiny bit. We're figuring out how to add another child into the mix without staying in our pajamas all day and actually taking a shower. Our little Clark is seriously the best baby in the world and I couldn't have asked for anything more. He's so sweet and the cutest boy in the whole world. He is definitely loved by everyone he comes in contact with, especially his two older sisters who can't stop kissing and loving him.

I can't believe it's been over 3 weeks since Clark has joined our family. His birth sent us all on a roller-coaster, probably because he was sent to another hospital to go to the NICU, but trust me, his situation wasn't nearly as scary as Emma Lou's was.

I can't stop staring at my little man. When he falls asleep nursing I sit there and stare at how simply perfect he is. He's definitely what our family needed and has brought about a sense of contentedness with him. I'm very content with my life and my sweet little family. Life is grand.

 

Clark Neil Thomas

May 24, 2012

5 lbs. 12 oz. 19 inches

 Story of the first couple days of his life.

My first time holding my little man.

My handsome man!

I promise to post the whole story sooner rather than later, but for now I'm still loving my Clark too much to get around to the laborious post.

The new man in my life

Sorry I've been neglecting everyone. I'm going to make this quick since I'm typing this on my IPad in the NICU and it's not very fun or easy. Clark arrived on May 24th weighing in at 5 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches long. He was initially just fine but quickly had a hard time inflating in lungs with air. He was sent to a different hospital in the NICU to jump start him on his breathing. He's now four days old and absolutely the sweetest thing in the world. He's more than likely coming home tomorrow! I'll givea more detailed story when Everything finally slows down. Until then here are a few pictures. Okay, so no pictures. Apparently blogger and my iPad aren't friends. Soon enough, I promise I'll try, but trust me, he's a cutie!

A Mother's Day Post for a Mother

Did you know that I absolutely love and adore my madre? I promise, I do. She (with the help of my father, of course) raised me to be hard-working, loving, genuine, and so much more. She made me who I am. I am the third of four children, and my mom was able to be an amazing mother on top of working full-time. The house was always kept clean, food was always on the table, homework was done, kids were clean and happy, and we all felt loved my mom.

My childhood is filled with nothing but wonderful memories of my mom. Even though she worked full-time, she made sure we had plenty of fun. I remember summers full of boating on the lake, Lagoon, Seven Peaks, the zoo, and so so much more. If we were sick I remember my mom calling into work to let them know she wouldn't be there because we were sick, and she would tend to our every whim all day long. We could lay in her bed (which was a treat) or lay on the couch, she would then make sure we could watch whatever we wanted while she would get us whatever we wanted, no matter how strange. If we vomited, she never once made a big deal about the mess, she would sit there rubbing our backs, holding our hair out of our faces, and telling us how sorry she was and that she loved us.

She is now the best grandma anyone could hope for to two rambunctious girls, and she's thrilled to be adding a boy to the mix extremely soon. I have never understood the love a mother could have for her children, until I became a mother myself. I finally learned first-hand everything a mother does. The frustrations, sacrifices, hurt, but most importantly love, the goes along with being a mom. I want to tell my mom that I finally get it. I finally get why she would cry when we got hurt or when we got mad at her. I finally get it why she wanted to hear us tell her we love her...and that's all she ever asked of us, she didn't want flowers or jewelry, she wanted a simple, "I love you, Mom." I understand the pride she had in her children when we did something we didn't think we could do, or when we tried our hardest to do something. I finally get why she could get so protective and want to rip heads off. But I finally get her love. I finally understand how you can love someone so much that it feels as if your heart is going to explode.

Neil said something a couple weeks ago that made me so proud to call my mom my mom. We were watching General Conference when someone (I'm really bad at remembering who talked about what) stated that President Monson's daughter can always rely on being told she is loved and beautiful when she visits her parents. After hearing this, Neil turned to me and said, "That is exactly like your mom. She's always making sure her kids know she loves them." And it's 100% accurate, no matter what I do I know my mom will always love me. That's not to say that she agrees with what I'm doing, and she'll probably be the second in line (after my dad) to tell me how stupid she thinks I'm being if/when I do something stupid. But I know she'll always love me.

All in all, I love my momma-cita. She's there for me every step of the way. She's the best mom and Grandma Sue anyone could ask for.

I love you, Mom. Thank you.

P.S. Okay, so maybe there are somethings you did wrong...and that's how this one came to be...

What Infertility Does to a Person

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts, I've realized that I'm at a total loss for what to say. I guess that's why I've put off writing this post. As I said previously, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I'm not the type to get all hot and bothered over a "theme", if you will, for a specific week/month to draw attention to certain diseases or disorders, but this week needs special attention. 

I'm at a loss of a way to put into words what infertility does, not just to the person suffering from it, but to the couple, to the family, to all those who are close friends/family with the one suffering from infertility. How do you explain something so personal, something so close to my heart, something, that even 40 years down the road, when I'm done having children, will still have left my heart a little broken? 

But really, I'm lucky. I've been able to get pregnant fairly quickly after fertility treatments and have had two, almost three wonderful spirits come into my life. When I hear of someone suffering from infertility my heart breaks for them, I want to give them a hug and tell them I love them. This is a disease I would never wish on my worst enemy. Some days I hate the fact that I'm one of the 1 in 8 that suffers from some form of infertility, but in all actuality I'm glad it's me and not someone else, I'm thankful that I was able to take the pain and heart-ache away from someone so they don't have to suffer and go through what so many of us have to go through. 

I want to say that after trying for a year and finally getting an answer to why Neil and I couldn't conceive on our own that we felt at peace and like all of our questions were answered...but I can't say that. Were we relieved? You better believe it, but we were also left with more questions than we came with. Now, instead of "Why can't we get pregnant", we were left with questions swirling around in our head such as, "What now? What are we supposed to do? What if this doesn't work?" etc. 

Infertility is like a maze, you can't see what's in front of you, but maybe if you turn this way instead of that you will find the finish line. If that doesn't work then backtrack and try the other route, and if that doesn't work? Back to the beginning you go to start all over to see where changes can be made. You're continually looking for the ladder that will let you see the layout of your maze journey, but the truth is, there isn't one, instead of trying to climb higher to see you finally realize that you must do the exact opposite and fall to your knees, close your eyes and pray. Pray for guidance, for patience, for knowledge, for faith, for comfort. Because that's how you're finally going to find the finish line, it may not be the finish line you had in mind, but when you finally arrive there you know it's what was planned long ago for you. 

Like I said, infertility has permanently screwed me up. Even though I'm a mom to almost three, whenever I hear of someone that is pregnant I get a stab of jealousy. Why do I do this? I have no idea and I feel so childish when it happens. I don't know their story, maybe they had gone through more than me to be blessed with their sweet baby...but it hurts all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy for them and want to celebrate in their joy, but sometimes I wish that were me. 

So what do I ask during NIAW? I ask that we all have more understanding, more love, and more knowledge of infertility. I ask that we not be so judgmental towards those women who cry instead of cheer for joy when one of their friends announces their pregnancy, that we understand why your best friend didn't show up to your baby shower. I promise it's not because she didn't want to, or that she isn't excited for you, or that she doesn't love you...it's simply because she can't face a crowd of women again with empty arms while they all hold their precious babies in theirs. It's because she can't answer another, "When are you going to have a baby?" I ask that we love all those that suffer from infertility, because honestly, that's what we need the most.

A post of the rambling kind

I always seem to write what is on my mind. I presume it's because when I talk, I feel like all my thoughts get jumbled together and I can't straighten them out to form a coherent sentence, but if I take the time to think and mull them over, I write my thoughts down and, viola, they're hopefully now somewhat coherent. But, it seems that lately I've had too many thoughts going on in my small brain. There are so many things I want to write out, so I can truly think about them and ponder on what they mean to me and how I really feel about it, that I just avoid writing altogether because all the different lines of thoughts become one big, messy thought.

If you can't guess, I think a lot...like a lot a lot. I love to think, really think deeply about things. You can't ask me a serious question and have it briefly thought about then dismissed. I may never bring the subject up to you again, but the chances are that I have scoured every part of my brain to find out how I truly feel about a subject, it's pretty intense up in here...okay, probably not.

An example of this exact situation is as follows: Neil and I have been going to the Gospel Principles class lately because we have some great neighbors and friends that are starting to come back to church, so we like to go with them. It's really great for Neil and I too, because it gets back to the basics and really helps us understand how simple the gospel really is. Anyway, a few weeks ago, so probably like 3 months ago (seriously, I've been thinking about this question for 3 flipping months!) the class was asked why we believe there was ever only one Savior. The teacher proposed that there could have been a Savior for ever decade, century, etc. why just one for all time and eternity? This is something that I've never really sat down and thought about, I just assumed the answer explained itself. I didn't have an answer on that day, I thought what everyone else was saying summed up my thoughts exactly. And they were wonderful reasons, because if there was more than one it wouldn't be significant, and the likes. Which, don't get me wrong, I still believe those answers to be true 100%, and I do believe they play into why there was only one Savior, but I wanted more...I'm never satisfied, I have to find an answer that speaks to me.

So, why do I believe there was only one Savior? Well, I'm glad you asked. And don't quote me on this, this is purely my own opinion and not church doctrine in any way. I'm probably so wrong on this that it's not even funny. But I honestly believe that ONE of the reasons there was, and is, only one Savior is because he was the only one who volunteered. I guess technically there were 2, but we all know what happened with the other plan...But think about it, we were all there and we all knew what our Father in Heaven needed and wanted, and yet, Christ was the only one who stood and said that he would do exactly as his father asked. We were all given the same chance he was to volunteer, and yet we didn't. I know we would all say now that we would have done what Christ did, but the truth is, if we were placed in that situation we obviously wouldn't, because we were placed in that same situation and we didn't. Get it? Did I lose anyone is that mess? Okay, good.

I actually talked to Neil about this and he believes it is simply because Christ is the only BEGOTTEN son of God, which of course makes perfect sense as well. I believe that to also be accurate, but Neil's a smarty pants. Who knows the exact reasoning behind there only being one Savior, except Christ and God themselves? But think about it for yourself, why do you believe there was only one Savior? You may be surprised at your own thoughts.

Other things I've been thinking about in my noggin (which I will hopefully find time to jot down in a while) are as follows: My sister, I know I've done quite a few posts giving praise to different members of my family, but she's my only sister and I've been thinking about her a whole heck of a lot. My daddy (yes, I still call him daddy at times), the same explanation of my sister goes here as well. Infertility and how it still greatly affects me, this will probably come the week of April 22, because, you know, April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's time to be aware, yo. Being a stay-at-home-mom, and how I came to that choice, this stems from recent political debacles which I normally don't like to talk about but this one subject pushes a button for me. Being LDS and how I gained my testimony, and why it still rings true to me every day. My weight...I think about this a lot (like I'm sure most women unfortunately do, no matter their weight or physical fitness). I don't like where I am weight-wise, I've actually never been happy with my weight, I've always thought of myself as overweight, but now I look back at pictures from when I was younger and even though I know I will never get that body back, I realize how screwed up my thinking was...but I know I'm now overweight and after baby bean comes i'm going to rectify that.

See, I think a lot. I don't talk too much, because I'm always thinking...

What's in a name?

I feel that names are a big part of what make a person. I've never been into fads when it come to pretty much anything, but I really am not a trendy name liker (make sense). I know what everyone is thinking, "Emma is such a popular name." It's true, it really is a very popular name these days, but it was (and is) a name that I just absolutely love and couldn't imagine naming my Emma Lou anything else.

With that said, I think I have chosen all extremely classic names for my children that will never tend to go out of style, there are just some names out there right now that when I think of these children in their 70s and 80s, I wonder if they'll still like their name, but to each his own. And I'm not going to say any names publicly...

Now, onto why we chose the name Clark for our bean. It's really a simple answer, my amazingly wonderful great-grandma's last name was Clark. When we were thinking of boy names, I just kept coming back to the name Clark, I want my boy to be half of what she was, if anyone deserves to have someone named after them, it is "Grandma Great", to which I will refer to her from here on out.

Family picture with Grandma, Neil and I weren't even married yet.

Think of the most Christlike person you know; the most loving, charitable, humble, genuine, happy person you know, they still don't compare to my sweet Grandma Great. I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to be able to have known her. I never once heard her say something bad of anyone else. The first time she met you she would tell you she loves you (Neil can back me up on this). She was always smiling and happy to be in your company. I love my sweet grandma.

Grandma holding Emma

I can recall stories of my grandma watching us kids while my parents were out of town. She was the one who taught me now to really vacuum. We were cleaning the house (because this woman was constantly doing something productive) and she asked me to vacuum my parents room. Me, being the snot I was, simply explained to her that I wouldn't because I couldn't. She sweetly told me that I should at least try, there's no harm in trying, so I did. When I was finished I showed her my work (which I'm sure was horrendous) and she praised me in the wonderful job I had done, then asked me to go vacuum another room in the house...she sure was a smart cookie.

She was always so grateful and humble, she was always telling you thank-you for every little thing you did and would always ask what she could do to help, even when her health was failing her, she just "needed" to help with something. It was always a constant reminder that there is more I could be doing.

I remember towards the end of her life, I was watching her, as I was helping her to bed she gently reminded me that she hadn't said her prayers yet, and they needed to be said. I helped her kneel down next to her bed and as I knelt down with her, I was simply amazed and her sweet, simple prayer. You could feel the spirit so strongly from this little lady. She sat there asking over and over again for Heavenly Father to help her be more grateful and more humble. I was awe-struck, here is the most humble and grateful person I know, asking to more humility and gratitude...if she thinks she has work to do, then what about me?!

I could go on and on about Grandma Great. There's so much more that could be told about her and the legacy she left behind. She never had much in terms of material goods, but she was the wealthiest person I know in terms of the things that really matter. Her countenance shined through, and she truly loved every person she ever came in contact with.

My wonderful grandma died in October of '07. She was able to meet Emma and shower her with her love. We had five generations of all girls alive at the same time, and I'm happy to say that it is all because my grandma started it all.

Clark has big shoes to fill, but I know he can do it. My grandma will always be looking out for him, giving him the gentle nudge he will need to stay on track. I love you miss you Grandma Great, you are my super-hero, my role-model...who I aspire to one day be.

Pregnancy Thus Far

I realized the other day that I really haven't documented this pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. I guess time has just really seemed to fly by this time around, and I've forgotten that it's already been over 28 weeks, I only have less than 11 to go, needless to say we're getting pretty excited over here.

All of my pregnancies have been extremely different. With Emma I remember being so sick for the majority of it, I was sick for the first 24+ weeks, had a few weeks to recoup, then was sick for the last 6+, it was miserable.

With Claire I was so exhausted the whole time, plus I was sick, not as sick as I was with Emma, but still pretty sick. I finally found out around 28 weeks that I has a little anemic, so I started taking iron pills and that helped somewhat with my exhaustion level.

This pregnancy though, wow, it's taken its toll on me. I haven't been as sick as I was the other two times (knock on wood), but if I thought I was tired with Claire, I knew nothing. I could literally fall asleep at any given moment, if given the chance (which I never am). I get sick a lot more often, if you know me you know I never get sick, but with this pregnancy I have gotten the flu twice (maybe three times, my mind is a little foggy), and I have the world's most hellish cold and I've had this cold for 2 flipping weeks now, it's not fun at all. And the weirdest symptom...cold sores every 2-4 weeks. Yep, I have been getting a new cold sore ever 2-4 weeks, I only get one cold sore a year and then one right after I have a baby, but I've been getting them non-stop. I actually asked my doctor about it because it is so strange and he just simply said that pregnancy does weird things to your immune system....you think?

Pregnancy, you love it and hate it. I absolutely love feeling little bean move, he's quite the mover and shaker and it's so fun to not just know he's in there, but feel him, it's a constant affirmation that you are doing one of the most glorious things in the world...growing another human being.

But in all seriousness, I'm excited for June to finally arrive so I can meet my little man. The girls are moved in the same room now, so he has a bed to sleep in, his clothes are all folded and put away, and the lovely Braxton Hicks have been gracing me regularly. We're just waiting for Clark to grace us with his presence...in 11 weeks, we don't want him coming too early now.

Claire Bear and her Story

Two birth stories in a row...man aren't we the lucky ones today?

Yes, it's true. Today is my Claire B's birthday. It's still hard to believe that my baby is 2! I guess it's a good thing I'm on the cusp of having another baby to snuggle with and give me loves. But Claire is still plenty snugly, she definitely loves her mommy, which I love, except when I've had enough of her climbing all over me and begging to be held 24/7. I don't know if she's heard, but I'm 26 weeks pregnant and don't feel like carrying her around all the time, but alas, I know I will miss those moments when they are gone. My favorite of all time right now is when, out of the blue, Claire will look at me and say, "Oos you too, mommy." and I get a big hug and kiss.

But I digress, the story of her birthing experience. No worries, it's not nearly as dramatic as Emma's, but it's still just as beautiful, because, well, they all are.

After getting pregnant so quickly with Emma, it took us nearly 2 years to get pregnant with our Claire. Neil and I were so excited to finally be expecting another baby and for Emma to get to be a big sister! Claire was due on March 31, 2010.

I decided to have a repeat C-Section, this is a decision that Neil and I took very seriously. We wanted to do what was best for me and our future babies, because we knew that after two C-Sections, you can't go back. We researched it, talked about it, prayed about it, talked with family about it, and finally talked to my doctor about it. I know what people say that doctors will pressure you to do a C-Section because it's so easy for them and you're in and out and blah, blah, blah. This was not my experience in the least bit. My doctor understood my concerns and talked to me about both options, but still, I had a very strong feeling that a C-Section was best for both me and my babies, I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but or me it definitely was. Plus I had such a wonderful experience with my last C-Section, I couldn't imagine a better experience. The pain is minimal and the recovery is actually faster with a C-Section than a vaginal birth.

Since I decided to have a repeat C-Section, my date to have Claire was set for March 24, one week before her due date. We were all excited, and again, my pregnancy went off without a hitch. When I was 34 weeks pregnant I started going in and getting NSTs (Non-Stress Tests) done twice a week, because we didn't want what had happened with Emma to happen with Claire (don't worry, we've already planned getting them done with Clark too, once I hit the 34 week mark), and she was perfectly healthy...what a relief.

I continued to go to school part time throughout my pregnancy, which I'm really grateful I did. I started having contractions a few weeks before Claire was born and I remember going in for a check-up and my doctor telling me that he didn't think I would make it to my scheduled C-Section, I told him I knew I wouldn't...so the waiting game began. Two days after that conversation with my doctor I remember telling Neil that labor was eminent, just one little thing needed to change and I knew I would go into full-fledged labor, I just didn't know what that thing was....little did I know that later that day my contractions were now regular and getting more and more intense, Neil worked graveyards and so he was sleeping. I decided since I needed to go to Wal-Mart anyway, I would go and walk around for a while to see if I would walk the contractions off, they weren't painful, they were just annoying.

After walking around Wla-Mart for more than an hour, the contractions had gotten more intense, I actually had to stop walking when a contraction hit and just rock for a minute. I went home and called my mom to see what she said. She told me to walk around my house and time them, so I turned the T.V. on for Emma and walk and timed for about 30 minutes. My contractions were about 2 minutes apart, but still not painful. I called my mom and she said that it didn't sound right so she stayed on the phone with me and timed them for me for a few minutes, but it was true, they were 2 minutes apart. I asked her what I should do because I had class that night. I didn't know if I should go to class for go to the hospital. She said that if it were her she would go to the hospital to get and NST since I was going to get one tomorrow anyway, might as well get it over with.

I wake Neil up and we head up to Heber. We get to the hospital and the contractions have pretty much stopped, which I knew would happen. I was on the monitor for a good 10-15 minutes before my first contraction, of course. But after that they came back with a vengeance, they were again about two minutes apart and more and more painful. when asked my pain it was somewhere around a 3 to a 4, depending on the contraction. They thought maybe I was dehydrated so they gave me IV fluids, but even after the bag was more than half way gone the contractions weren't stopping or slowing down.

My mom left to take Emma home and Neil called to see how I was (he stayed at my parents house to get some sleep just in case he ended up going to work). I told him what was going on and I would call him if I found anything out. My mom came back and we talked for a minute and then Neil came in with a really weird look on his face. I asked him why he was making that face and he told me that he overheard the nurses talking about me, and my doctor had told them to prepare for a C-Section, he would come right in. I wasn't sure if I believed him, but right after that my nurse cam in and confirmed what Neil had said, baby Claire was making her debut 3 weeks early!

Everything went perfectly as planned and Claire was born on March 11, 2010 at 12:40 am weighing 6 lbs. 6 oz. and 18 inches long. I got to see her right after she was out and she was screaming her head off. It was the most beautiful sound in the world, especially after what we had gone through with Emma. I immediately started the water works, I couldn't believe she was finally here and healthy! I even remember saying something about how I loved that sound and I didn't want her to stop, and my doctor agreeing, saying after Emma's experience that was music to his ears as well.

I love my Claire Bear with all my heart! She is so funny and cute, and totally the opposite of her sister in so many ways. But they are madly in love with each other. Emma's the prefect big sister and Claire is the perfect little sister, they go together like cookies and cream. I love my Deedle.

Baby Claire! right after she was born.

My first time holding her

Neil's first time holding her

Her first bath. I love how much she didn't appreciate it.

Emma's first time seeing her

This picture explains everything!

She couldn't stop kissing her

I just love this picture of my dad and his two granddaughters.

I'm sorry, but doesn't my child look just like Neil from day 1!?

Home snuggling with her sister

If you knew anything, this is a sign of true love Emma has for Claire. She even let her have her two favorite dolls.

Bed Head