She laughs...

How could you not love her?

FYI I had just finished feeding her. Don't mind the out of season bib, it was Emma's and really, who cares? It's sole purpose is to keep food off her clothes, not to be stylish.

MIA

We've been MIA from the blogging world for awhile now. Not because we've been anywhere interesting, but because we've been enjoying our summer to it's fullest. We've been having so much fun lately, I can't believe that it's already the end of July!

July started off with the 4th of July. We had a barbecue with a bunch of our neighbors. It was so much fun and all the kids loved the fireworks, that's the best part anyway, watching the kids' reaction to the fireworks. We had so much fun! And so did Emma, Claire was an angel and fell asleep and slept through the majority of it.

Emma and her sparkler. She loved it!

Miss Claire enjoying the outside. Shortly after she had had it and fell fast asleep.

All the kids enjoying the fireworks!

Emma and Jade. Emma is telling her a secret here.

Emma's wonderful outfit. I told her the skirt and shirt doesn't match. She quickly informed me that they do because they're both pink....OK! She stole those shoes from a little boy running around. It was quite the outfit.

The next big event the happened was that my amazingly wonderful Grandma and Grandpa Spanos returned from their third mission. That's right, your heard me, they have served THREE missions. It is so good to have them back from Malaysia, we've missed them dearly. They calculated that while they were gone they missed the birth of two grandchildren and six great grandchildren. Emma is totally in love with her grandma Spanos. I keep telling my mom that she has been replaced. My mom is ok with it as long as it's only Grandma Spanos.

Claire has also started rolling over. She is my rollie pollie. I love it. This morning I heard her screaming and so I went into her room and found her on her stomach, she had rolled over and realized that she didn't like it as much as she thought she would! She's so fun and such a wonderful baby! She has also started on rice cereal and LOVES it! At first I didn't want to start her until she was older because of all of her stomach problems. But I gave in and decided to try it, she's been doing wonderful and I'm so glad. Emma HATED rice cereal, I had to skip that stage completely because of how much she hated it. But Claire, oh Claire just loves it. I still can't believe that she if four months old, it seems like I just brought her home yesterday. At her four month appointment she weighed a whopping 12 lbs. 9 oz.! I can't believe it! Emma didn't weigh that much until she was 6 months old. But I remind myself that Claire is still little. She is such a joy. I just love her!

Claire rolling over and smiling like a madman! How can you not love this face?

Claire in her bumbo, with her fingers in her mouth like usual.

Overall our summer has been wonderful! I love being the mother of these two beauties!

Drowning

Lately I've been struggling with this whole motherhood role I now take on day after day after day. I honestly have felt like I'm drowning and the more I try to keep my head above water, the farther I sink. I get frustrated too easily, I yell too much, I don't let the little things go, etc., etc. This is definitely not the mother I have always wanted to be, and it makes me so sad.

Emma has had ultimate control over me and I haven't known how to control her. How am I supposed to send her to her room when sending her to her room makes everything ten times worse? How am I supposed to tell her not to whine because when I do the whining turns into full fledged screaming and bawling. My life has been consumed with constant noise and frustration. I'm so sick of noise I could just scream! Noise from Emma crying and whining, noise from me yelling at her for making noise, noise from Claire crying (which doesn't happen that much anymore), noise from Neil getting mad at Emma, just noise, noise, NOISE! The thought of going back to school made me sick to my stomach, how could I possibly go back to school and take on that task when the task at home is overwhelming in and of itself?

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stress about anything, I'm a very low stress person, I just roll with the punches. These last few weeks I've had a few spells where I'm doing something and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm forgetting something really important and get the annoying nagging feeling all day long, and then it turns into a headache. It's been miserable, I tell Neil it's the closest I've ever been to any sort of an anxiety attack. I can only imagine what a full blown anxiety attack feels like. My home life has been making every other point of my life excruciating. I'm so lost.

Just when I feel like I'm in the thick of it, I came across this blog. Tears were streaming down my face. This woman is a remarkable woman, someone I want to aspire to. She has been through more than most of us will be asked to go through, and she still is so thankful for everything, even for her trials. I read blogs from the beginning for her blog up to her most recent, her life totally transformed in a matter of minutes. I remember one post, not too long after her crash, where she talks about her youngest who was crying one night and her husband was getting frustrated with him. She decided to pick up her small boy, she was so overjoyed with the fact that she could actually pick him up herself, and she walked him around the house one time, another thing she hadn't been able to do for an extended period of time. She concluded with the fact that she was starting to feel like a mother, at least starting to. This post made me realize how incredibly ungrateful I have been. I've taken for granted the ease it is to pick up my crying child, and the fact that I actually say no so often makes me sick. Here is a woman who is so thrilled to finally feel like a mother again, and then there is me who has been dreading my role as a mother.

Last night while laying down for bed I came to the conclusion that something in my life has to change, and it's me. I need to change my attitude. I decided that this change isn't something that I can do overnight, but that the start of the change had to start today. I made a few goals for the day, just a few small goals which were to say my morning prayers (which I am terrible at), read my scriptures (again, something I'm ashamed to say I'm terrible at), and spend quality one-on-one time with my angel Emma. I'm proud to say that I accomplished every one of those goals today, tomorrow is the same three goals until they become habitual, and then I will add on three more simple goals. But today, oh today, it was so wonderful! I hardly lost my temper with Emma, Emma was better behaved than she has been in a long time, our house seemed, dare I say, calm.

When I knelt down to my Heavenly Father I asked him for help throughout the day, help for me to learn how to let the little things go and help to not get so impatient with Emma. can I just say how much I love my loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing and he loves us all, even me, the screaming, impatient, loony mother. And I love him.

Here's to a better me...

The Blessing

We finally blessed Claire on June 20. It was a wonderful day and Claire looked absolutely beautiful, as usual. We waited so long because we were waiting for my little brother, Case, to become an elder so he could stand in the circle.

I'm so thankful the the wonderful family and friends we have and for everyone that came. It meant a lot to have everyone there. But I will say that I missed my grandma and grandpa Spanos way too much. They are on a mission in Malaysia and will be home in two weeks and one day, according to my ever vigilant mother. Neil did a wonderful job and his blessing was beautiful.

I'm so happy to have Claire in my life. After waiting so long for her and after wanting her so badly it's an amazing feeling to hold her in my arms and know she's all mine. The greatest thing in the world is the opportunity to be a mother. You never really realize how much having children will change your life until you have a child of your own, and it's so life altering that is throws me for loop after loop. You can never imagine how much love one person could have until your children come into this world. Love isn't a good enough word for how you feel, actually there's no word in the English dictionary that can describe the feeling a mother has for her children. I don't just love my girls, I adore them, I look up to them, I worry for them, I'm marveled by them, their pain is my pain. I love my girly girls.

Her dress was absolutely beautiful.

Oh, and FYI Utah stores that sell blessing dresses...this isn't 1980, please update your styles and get some decent dresses. I got this dress online and am so grateful I did.

Second Child Syndrome

I swear that the second child gets the short end of the stick, I feel bad for children beyond this point. Little Miss Claire doesn't get as much undivided attention as Emma got when she was a baby, that's for sure. But she sure is wonderful by letting me do everything I need to do throughout the day, which mostly consists of chasing Emma around and cleaning the house. Claire's getting to the really fun part of infancy, she loves just staring at toys, of course she doesn't grab them and play with them, but she will lay there and just stare at toys while giggling and talking to them, it's so cute and so wonderful all at the same time.

She sure does love her big sister though. Whenever she hears Emma's voice she stops whatever she's doing and searches for Emma. Emma of course loves this and will lay by Claire and tell her the most wonderful stories, they are the best of friends. Claire sure is lucky to have a sister as wonderful as Emma.

I still can't believe that Claire Bear is three months old! She's way too old! I look at her baby baby pictures and can't believe that she's changed so much in such a short amount of time. Every

time I pick Claire up I swear she has gained weight, she's becoming more and more solid and her head is becoming less and less wobbly. I love my smiley Claire B.

That face gets me every time.

And then it turns into this face....Ahhhh...heaven.

And stretch!

The typical sister picture. Emma always has to get in on the pictures.

Fours years down, an eternity to go

Neil and I celebrated our four year anniversary on June 2. I know I say this every year, but I can't believe that it's been four years already. I love Neil more and more every day. We've been through so much together. The birth of two wonderful girls, the death of my wonderfully amazing great grandma, the death of Neil's favorite grandma, buying our first home together, four years of college, buying two cars, moving three times, figuring out each other's likes and dislikes, and so much more. You would think that after four years of marriage that I would know everything there is to know about Neil by know, but the truth is that I'm still learning new things each and every day. There's so much to learn about one person.

For our anniversary we actually didn't do anything at all, there's just been way too much going on, but I really didn't matter. Neil got me a Nook for our anniversary and for my birthday, and I got him some stuff for grilling, he was thrilled about it. I love you Neil Dawg and I can't wait to spend eternity with you. Pepper.

Summer Lovin' Had Me a Blast

Summer has finally decided to rear its lovely head and we are all enjoying every minute of it that we can. The first thing Emma says when she wakes up is, "Can I go outside, please?" I unfortunately have to inform her that we have to get ready and eat breakfast first. I'm sure it's the longest 2 hours of her life, but she's a survivor.

We live in the best little neighborhood. All around us are kids that are Emma's age, it's perfect, there are two boys and two girls and they are all the best of friends. There are also tons of other neighborhood kids so whenever we go outside we are sure to have at least one playmate for Emma Love. The newest friend is McCoy, and he is totally in love with Emma and Emma is totally in love with him, they will play and play and play until the practically fall over from exhaustion. Emma's best friend is Jade and they are so cute together. They will sit there and play for hours without fighting, and for two three year olds, that is a miracle. It was so funny, Jade got a new outfit and was wearing it outside, well the next day we were at Target and Emma saw the outfit Jade was wearing and just HAD to have it. I tried to get her to get a different colored of shirt, but she wouldn't have it. It had to be exactly like Jade's! Now when one of them sees the other one wearing the blessed outfit, they are sure to run inside and change so they match, it cracks us up. It's so fun to play outside. It's good cheap fun for Emma and it is sure to wear her out.

Emma and Jade in their matching outfits.

Emma and Jade outside eating lunch. I'm not sure what Emma is doing here...

Emma and Jade playing Barbies. Yes we take them outside so the kids stay out there.

One of the neighbors had their pool out so Emma was getting ready to go swimming. Claire wanted to join so I snapped a picture of the two most beautiful girls in the swimsuits. Unfortunately, the water was too cold for Miss Claire.

Emma on her bike. She LOVES to ride her bike all around.

I really need to get a picture of Emma and McCoy. We will for sure get one though because those two are inseparable. We always joke that Emma and McCoy just have to get married, even if we have to arrange it.

Time Goes By Way Too Fast...

I still can't believe that little Miss Claire will be three months old in a couple of weeks. She is such a precious angel and I can't stop staring at her. It's terrible, when she's sleeping I just want to hold her all day long and kiss her to death, but I restrain myself from doing such.

Claire was the very difficult baby the first couple of months of her life. But after putting her on Prevacid and changing her formula she is a totally different baby and I actually don't dread waking up in the mornings, I know that may sound terrible, but until you lived it....But seriously she is so wonderful and Emma loves her to death. This little girl won't have any shortage of kisses in her life. At her two month check-up Claire weighed 9 lbs. 11 oz. I laugh because even though that is still small, it's big to me because little Emma wasn't that big for a very long time. I love my girly girls.

Neil and I are also doing just great. Neil got a promotion at work and we are so excited. He will actually be home at nights and on the weekends. He will be working normal hours, it already feels wonderful. Me, well, I'm just getting along with now having two kids to chase around. My grandma is back and so I've been watching her three days a week, and that keeps me busier than ever. And because I know posts aren't fun without pictures...

Our life before Prevacid...

The picture we put in her birth announcements. Isn't she just perfect?

Emma in her Easter dress ready for church.

The first official smile captured on camera.

I love how chunky she looks in this picture. And it shows how much of a slobberer she is.

I just love the look on her face in this one. It cracks me up every time.

Life Updated

So it's been about a month since I last updated this blog. Easter came and left and it was wonderful to have my two beautiful girls with us. It was a blast, but of course I didn't take any pictures, I'm lame like that. Emma got a "real camera" as she calls it. She loves taking pictures so we decided to get her her own camera so she wouldn't break ours, and she of course loves it. She also got her Easter dress and a few other things along with candy, and of course Bomps and Grandma Sue spoiled her to death and she got a lot of fun things from them. Claire got a glow worm and a rattle along with an Easter dress and accessories to go along with it. She didn't get any candy though, imagine that. And Bomps and Grandma Sue spoiled her as well and she got a lot of cute clothes and a few toys. All in all it was a blast and we couldn't have asked it to be any better.

The last few weeks I have had a very unhappy baby. And saying that is being extremely nice. Little Claire has been crying non-stop, you can't make her happy no matter how hard you try. As you can imagine this has taken its toll on me. I would go to bed to a screaming baby and wake up to a screaming baby. I'm not used to this, Emma was the picture perfect baby. Finally we tried Mylicon drops thinking maybe she had colic and this would help. It did seem to help, but not entirely, she was still screaming her blood curdling scream, just not so much, but still enough to make it extremely hard on me. Finally yesterday I gave in and tried soy formula per request of my sister and mom, thinking maybe she's lactose intolerant. And would you believe it, I felt like I had a totally different baby, she was actually cooing and smiling and just being content, I hadn't experienced that before with her. So today I called our doctor to see if there is something that I can to do continue to breast feed. The doctor's office had me call the dietitian and I talked to her and explained Claire's symptoms and she told me what I was dreading to hear, that Claire is lactose intolerant. I was expecting to hear that, but I really, really didn't want to. She said if I wanted to continue to breast feed then I would need to cut out all dairy out of my diet, along with whey. I wanted to cry. Of course I want to continue to breast feed because it's the best thing for my little girl and of course I want the best for her, but after talking to Neil and my mom and really thinking about everything I would have to cut out of my diet, for about a year or until she stopped breast feeding, I realized that it was pretty much impossible for me. It was a very difficult decision for me and tears were shed. But I'm looking forward to having a happy baby around.

So life has been extremely interesting these last few weeks, and to top it off it's finals week and so the stress keeps building and building. But after Wednesday it will all hopefully go away. All I need to do it look at my girls and I realize how extremely lucky and blessed I am to have these two beauties in my life.

Life With Two Children

It's been almost two weeks since Claire has joined our family and life has been hectic to say the least, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

It all began on the Monday before Claire was born. I had been having irregular contractions for about a month and knew there was nothing to be concerned about, but on Monday they started to get a little more intense and more frequent, but again nothing to be concerned about. On Tuesday the contractions were still coming and I remember even telling Neil that it was only a matter of days before she came, I just had a feeling. On Wednesday it was the same thing, until around three o'clock and they started becoming extremely regular, so I decided to see if I could walk them off. I packed Emma up and we went to Walmart because I needed to pick some things up so I walked around Walmart for a good hour seeing if it would help...and I guess it did in a sense, the contractions got closer and stronger, although they still weren't hurting me yet, just really uncomfortable. I went home and walked around the house for yet another hour and around five I called my mom and asked her what I should do because I didn't know if I should go to school or not. She convinced me to go up to Heber for an NST because I was scheduled to have one the next day, so I woke Neil up and we left.

When we got there I wasn't feeling them as much (of course) so we went out to eat with my parents and went back to my parents hosue so I could do some more walking. I walked around for yet another hour and then all of a sudden I felt extremely sick and I barely made it to the bathroom. After that I still wasn't sure about going to the hospital but my mom convinced me to go in. When I got all hooked up I wasn't having any contractions and I pretty much told my mom that I told her so. But after about ten minutes they started and were about 2-3 minutes apart. And they were getting more and more intense. My doctor thought that maybe I was just dehydrated so the nurses pumped me full of fluid, but that didn't help.

Around 11 pm Neil decided to come and see what was going on and as we walked into my room he gave me a really funny look and a nurse walked in right behind him and informed me that we would most likely be having a baby that night. I was completely shocked. I really didn't think that I would be going home with a baby. I had packed a few necessities, but I really didn't have anything. Shortly after my doctor came in and confirmed that I was going to be having a baby.

That's when it hit me...I was going to be the mother of two now. And I was at 12:40 am. When Claire let out that first scream I just started crying and couldn't stop. My baby girl was healthy and here with me! I was totally fell in love all over again.

She melts my heart and I love her so much. She is such a good baby, just really impatient. She's been sleeping pretty well at nights too. Emma is in love with her little sister and she tries her hardest to help, which can be very hard on me, but I try to tell her thank you for being such a great big sister.

Neil is totally in love with his two little girls and is the best dad in the world. He went back to work on Sunday night and I've missed having him home, but it has been a pretty good transition. He can't wait until April when he can go back to swing shift and have a more normal work schedule.

And I'm doing wonderful. I have been healing wonderfully from the C-section. I swear by them. They are AMAZING! And I love my family of four. Claire has been the best addition to our family. She fits right in and our world is revolving around her for the time being.

She looks just like her daddy!

Bedhead

Believe it or not, this is the face she makes while she's pooping.

Emma loves her little sister and loves laying next to her.

She's Here!!!

Baby Claire decided to make her debut three weeks early! She was born on March 11th at 12:40 in the a.m. She is abosolutely perfect weighing in at 6 lbs. 6 oz. and 18 inches long. She looks just like her daddy and I can't stop staring at her. She makes my heart melt. Here are a few pictures...

less then a day old

Our family of four?!

Emma loves her little sister!

just a few hours old

Happy Birthday Emma!!!

Thursday was Emma's third birthday. You heard me, Emma is now three flipping years old! I can't believe how big she's getting. She is so smart and says the funniest things. When I woke her up on Thursday she informed me that she was two for a couple of hours, but now she's three. I couldn't stop laughing. We didn't have much planned for her birthday on Thursday because we had a princess party for her today and tomorrow we are having family over for cake and ice cream.

Thursday I woke Emma up nice and early so we could open up presents with Neil and then Emma and I got to run up to Heber for a doctor appointment. She loved all her presents, but the only thing she was really enthralled with was her princess umbrella. The rest of her birthday was spent in the hospital as the baby was being monitored, it wasn't fun and I felt bad for Emma. She did, however, get to open her presents fro Grandma Sue and Bomps, and she loved everything they got her, but who wouldn't love princess books and princess jewelry. After everything came back fine Emma and I left and headed down to Provo to meet up with Neil and eat and California Pizza Kitchen, because out of all the places Emma could have chosen, she wanted to eat there for her birthday, Neil was excited, I was less than excited. But she loved it and even got an ice cream sundae after she ate her food.

Today was her princess party with all her friends and she LOVED it. She got more princess stuff, and she loved running around playing with everyone. All in all, Emma has had a great third birthday so far, and she has gotten a lot of presents. Here are a few pictures to entertain the masses:

Emma and all of her friends.

They LOVED running around with their balloons. It was cute to hear them yelling and screaming.

Emma's Princess cake. Neil is making one for her for tomorrow.

She was so ready for her party to start. She would sit at the table asking when her Princess party was going to start.

My Ode to Pregnancy....

Oh pregnancy, why do I continue to do this to myself over and over? You're not a nice person and you stay for nine excruciating months. But yet every time I welcome you with open arms and a wide smile. I cry for joy when you arrive, but the cry for joy when you leave is ten times more, not just because I'm glad to see you go, but because you may not have be nice to me, but you give me the most wonderful gift of all, maybe that's why I do this again and again....the world may never know.

The Little Secrets About Pregnancy:

• They say morning sickness is only in the morning…HA! I still believe a man came up with that name, I’d love to meet a pregnant woman who only had morning sickness in the morning.
• Morning sickness only lasts for 12 weeks, yet again….HA! Try 20 plus weeks, yes that’s half the pregnancy, and yes it’s miserable, and no nothing you do seems to help.
• Every pregnant woman gets a wonderful glow. Maybe if the people who said this looked a little closer they would be able to see it’s not just a glow, it’s sweat!
• A pregnant woman is beautiful, I mean she’s carrying a baby. Yeah whatever, just because you don’t have to dawn the newly ordained stretch marks for the rest or you life, or the newly widened hips, or the varicose veins, oh and let’s not forget about the new pouch of fat on your abdomen that will never go away…real beautiful.
• Nesting, every pregnant woman gets a burst of energy and cleans the house top to bottom to prepare for the baby. You seriously think it’s a burst of energy, when said pregnant woman is carrying 20 plus pounds of extra weight around all day long….WRONG! It’s the feeling of “Oh shit, the baby’s coming and the house is a disaster. If I don’t clean it now I’ll never have time when the baby comes…” Trust me, it’s not a burst of energy, you will never have energy again until the baby’s at least one, but you do things because you have to.
• After the whole miserable morning sickness debacle you’ll feel wonderful for the rest of your pregnancy. BWAHAHA! Until morning sickness decides to rear its ugly head again the last 6-8 weeks of pregnancy. So now are you not only huge and tired 24/7, but now you’ve got the lovely bathroom as a daily guest again. Yes, only two to three months of the pregnancy will be bearable. I’ve heard of some women who seem to escape this last bout of morning sickness, and to you I said job well done, now leave.
• Some women tend to have a bit of swelling towards the end of pregnancy. Yep, we sure do and it sure sucks. Especially when your wedding ring no longer fits your finger and it takes you a good 10 minutes to get it off your finger because it’s cutting off the circulation. Oh and shoes feel like they’re squeezing the life out of your feet. Your duck feet to be exact, it goes perfectly with the waddling you will now start to do constantly because it feels like there is a watermelon between your legs.


Now, in all seriousness there are women who actually have it worse than this. At least I haven't had to go through bedrest, diabetes, or any other of the more fun things that can go along with pregnancy. I laugh because I paid quite a bit of money to go through this a second time. And the second Claire is born I'm sure I'll forget all about how miserable I am and pay to have it done yet again...and then I will ask myself why...why oh why? But it truly is worth it. To hold that precious baby you just endured nine months of hell for, it all melts away. Four weeks and six days left of this for me...then a whole new chapter begins.