What Infertility Does to a Person

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts, I've realized that I'm at a total loss for what to say. I guess that's why I've put off writing this post. As I said previously, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I'm not the type to get all hot and bothered over a "theme", if you will, for a specific week/month to draw attention to certain diseases or disorders, but this week needs special attention. 

I'm at a loss of a way to put into words what infertility does, not just to the person suffering from it, but to the couple, to the family, to all those who are close friends/family with the one suffering from infertility. How do you explain something so personal, something so close to my heart, something, that even 40 years down the road, when I'm done having children, will still have left my heart a little broken? 

But really, I'm lucky. I've been able to get pregnant fairly quickly after fertility treatments and have had two, almost three wonderful spirits come into my life. When I hear of someone suffering from infertility my heart breaks for them, I want to give them a hug and tell them I love them. This is a disease I would never wish on my worst enemy. Some days I hate the fact that I'm one of the 1 in 8 that suffers from some form of infertility, but in all actuality I'm glad it's me and not someone else, I'm thankful that I was able to take the pain and heart-ache away from someone so they don't have to suffer and go through what so many of us have to go through. 

I want to say that after trying for a year and finally getting an answer to why Neil and I couldn't conceive on our own that we felt at peace and like all of our questions were answered...but I can't say that. Were we relieved? You better believe it, but we were also left with more questions than we came with. Now, instead of "Why can't we get pregnant", we were left with questions swirling around in our head such as, "What now? What are we supposed to do? What if this doesn't work?" etc. 

Infertility is like a maze, you can't see what's in front of you, but maybe if you turn this way instead of that you will find the finish line. If that doesn't work then backtrack and try the other route, and if that doesn't work? Back to the beginning you go to start all over to see where changes can be made. You're continually looking for the ladder that will let you see the layout of your maze journey, but the truth is, there isn't one, instead of trying to climb higher to see you finally realize that you must do the exact opposite and fall to your knees, close your eyes and pray. Pray for guidance, for patience, for knowledge, for faith, for comfort. Because that's how you're finally going to find the finish line, it may not be the finish line you had in mind, but when you finally arrive there you know it's what was planned long ago for you. 

Like I said, infertility has permanently screwed me up. Even though I'm a mom to almost three, whenever I hear of someone that is pregnant I get a stab of jealousy. Why do I do this? I have no idea and I feel so childish when it happens. I don't know their story, maybe they had gone through more than me to be blessed with their sweet baby...but it hurts all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy for them and want to celebrate in their joy, but sometimes I wish that were me. 

So what do I ask during NIAW? I ask that we all have more understanding, more love, and more knowledge of infertility. I ask that we not be so judgmental towards those women who cry instead of cheer for joy when one of their friends announces their pregnancy, that we understand why your best friend didn't show up to your baby shower. I promise it's not because she didn't want to, or that she isn't excited for you, or that she doesn't love you...it's simply because she can't face a crowd of women again with empty arms while they all hold their precious babies in theirs. It's because she can't answer another, "When are you going to have a baby?" I ask that we love all those that suffer from infertility, because honestly, that's what we need the most.

A post of the rambling kind

I always seem to write what is on my mind. I presume it's because when I talk, I feel like all my thoughts get jumbled together and I can't straighten them out to form a coherent sentence, but if I take the time to think and mull them over, I write my thoughts down and, viola, they're hopefully now somewhat coherent. But, it seems that lately I've had too many thoughts going on in my small brain. There are so many things I want to write out, so I can truly think about them and ponder on what they mean to me and how I really feel about it, that I just avoid writing altogether because all the different lines of thoughts become one big, messy thought.

If you can't guess, I think a lot...like a lot a lot. I love to think, really think deeply about things. You can't ask me a serious question and have it briefly thought about then dismissed. I may never bring the subject up to you again, but the chances are that I have scoured every part of my brain to find out how I truly feel about a subject, it's pretty intense up in here...okay, probably not.

An example of this exact situation is as follows: Neil and I have been going to the Gospel Principles class lately because we have some great neighbors and friends that are starting to come back to church, so we like to go with them. It's really great for Neil and I too, because it gets back to the basics and really helps us understand how simple the gospel really is. Anyway, a few weeks ago, so probably like 3 months ago (seriously, I've been thinking about this question for 3 flipping months!) the class was asked why we believe there was ever only one Savior. The teacher proposed that there could have been a Savior for ever decade, century, etc. why just one for all time and eternity? This is something that I've never really sat down and thought about, I just assumed the answer explained itself. I didn't have an answer on that day, I thought what everyone else was saying summed up my thoughts exactly. And they were wonderful reasons, because if there was more than one it wouldn't be significant, and the likes. Which, don't get me wrong, I still believe those answers to be true 100%, and I do believe they play into why there was only one Savior, but I wanted more...I'm never satisfied, I have to find an answer that speaks to me.

So, why do I believe there was only one Savior? Well, I'm glad you asked. And don't quote me on this, this is purely my own opinion and not church doctrine in any way. I'm probably so wrong on this that it's not even funny. But I honestly believe that ONE of the reasons there was, and is, only one Savior is because he was the only one who volunteered. I guess technically there were 2, but we all know what happened with the other plan...But think about it, we were all there and we all knew what our Father in Heaven needed and wanted, and yet, Christ was the only one who stood and said that he would do exactly as his father asked. We were all given the same chance he was to volunteer, and yet we didn't. I know we would all say now that we would have done what Christ did, but the truth is, if we were placed in that situation we obviously wouldn't, because we were placed in that same situation and we didn't. Get it? Did I lose anyone is that mess? Okay, good.

I actually talked to Neil about this and he believes it is simply because Christ is the only BEGOTTEN son of God, which of course makes perfect sense as well. I believe that to also be accurate, but Neil's a smarty pants. Who knows the exact reasoning behind there only being one Savior, except Christ and God themselves? But think about it for yourself, why do you believe there was only one Savior? You may be surprised at your own thoughts.

Other things I've been thinking about in my noggin (which I will hopefully find time to jot down in a while) are as follows: My sister, I know I've done quite a few posts giving praise to different members of my family, but she's my only sister and I've been thinking about her a whole heck of a lot. My daddy (yes, I still call him daddy at times), the same explanation of my sister goes here as well. Infertility and how it still greatly affects me, this will probably come the week of April 22, because, you know, April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's time to be aware, yo. Being a stay-at-home-mom, and how I came to that choice, this stems from recent political debacles which I normally don't like to talk about but this one subject pushes a button for me. Being LDS and how I gained my testimony, and why it still rings true to me every day. My weight...I think about this a lot (like I'm sure most women unfortunately do, no matter their weight or physical fitness). I don't like where I am weight-wise, I've actually never been happy with my weight, I've always thought of myself as overweight, but now I look back at pictures from when I was younger and even though I know I will never get that body back, I realize how screwed up my thinking was...but I know I'm now overweight and after baby bean comes i'm going to rectify that.

See, I think a lot. I don't talk too much, because I'm always thinking...

What's in a name?

I feel that names are a big part of what make a person. I've never been into fads when it come to pretty much anything, but I really am not a trendy name liker (make sense). I know what everyone is thinking, "Emma is such a popular name." It's true, it really is a very popular name these days, but it was (and is) a name that I just absolutely love and couldn't imagine naming my Emma Lou anything else.

With that said, I think I have chosen all extremely classic names for my children that will never tend to go out of style, there are just some names out there right now that when I think of these children in their 70s and 80s, I wonder if they'll still like their name, but to each his own. And I'm not going to say any names publicly...

Now, onto why we chose the name Clark for our bean. It's really a simple answer, my amazingly wonderful great-grandma's last name was Clark. When we were thinking of boy names, I just kept coming back to the name Clark, I want my boy to be half of what she was, if anyone deserves to have someone named after them, it is "Grandma Great", to which I will refer to her from here on out.

Family picture with Grandma, Neil and I weren't even married yet.

Think of the most Christlike person you know; the most loving, charitable, humble, genuine, happy person you know, they still don't compare to my sweet Grandma Great. I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to be able to have known her. I never once heard her say something bad of anyone else. The first time she met you she would tell you she loves you (Neil can back me up on this). She was always smiling and happy to be in your company. I love my sweet grandma.

Grandma holding Emma

I can recall stories of my grandma watching us kids while my parents were out of town. She was the one who taught me now to really vacuum. We were cleaning the house (because this woman was constantly doing something productive) and she asked me to vacuum my parents room. Me, being the snot I was, simply explained to her that I wouldn't because I couldn't. She sweetly told me that I should at least try, there's no harm in trying, so I did. When I was finished I showed her my work (which I'm sure was horrendous) and she praised me in the wonderful job I had done, then asked me to go vacuum another room in the house...she sure was a smart cookie.

She was always so grateful and humble, she was always telling you thank-you for every little thing you did and would always ask what she could do to help, even when her health was failing her, she just "needed" to help with something. It was always a constant reminder that there is more I could be doing.

I remember towards the end of her life, I was watching her, as I was helping her to bed she gently reminded me that she hadn't said her prayers yet, and they needed to be said. I helped her kneel down next to her bed and as I knelt down with her, I was simply amazed and her sweet, simple prayer. You could feel the spirit so strongly from this little lady. She sat there asking over and over again for Heavenly Father to help her be more grateful and more humble. I was awe-struck, here is the most humble and grateful person I know, asking to more humility and gratitude...if she thinks she has work to do, then what about me?!

I could go on and on about Grandma Great. There's so much more that could be told about her and the legacy she left behind. She never had much in terms of material goods, but she was the wealthiest person I know in terms of the things that really matter. Her countenance shined through, and she truly loved every person she ever came in contact with.

My wonderful grandma died in October of '07. She was able to meet Emma and shower her with her love. We had five generations of all girls alive at the same time, and I'm happy to say that it is all because my grandma started it all.

Clark has big shoes to fill, but I know he can do it. My grandma will always be looking out for him, giving him the gentle nudge he will need to stay on track. I love you miss you Grandma Great, you are my super-hero, my role-model...who I aspire to one day be.