Venting...TMI

I just had to get this off my chest. Yes, I'm well aware that I'm putting my personal thoughts and feelings on the internet for everyone to see....but I need to say this, it's eating me alive.

I guess I will start from the beginning. The reason Neil and I can't get pregnant is because of me. I have extremely irregular menstral cycles. Seriously, I can go for 7 months without a period. So I never know when I'm ovulating or anything, our doctor acutally told me that even if I do have my period it doesn't mean I ovulated, since my menstral cycles are so irregular the lining in my uterus just keeps building up until it starts to break down and I have my period. He guessed that I ovulate once, maybe twice a year. What clomid does is makes you ovulate, but it has some bad side effects that makes the uterus a not too nice of environment for an egg. So it still takes longer to get pregnant on Clomid than it does for normal women. The down side to all of this is you can only be on Clomid for 3-6 months because of the bad side effects. Then the doctor usually tries different, more expensive and dangerous drugs.

Well my first month of Clomid is officially over. I was so sure I would get pregnant the first time. I knew I can get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term, the only thing is it's difficult for me to get pregnant. But I was so so so sure this would all work out and I would find out I was pregnant right around Christmas and everything would be just fine...well it didn't work out like that. Even though everyone keeps telling me that I could still be pregnant because I haven't started my period, I just know I'm not pregnant (and Brandi I took another pregnancy test tonight after dinner and it was yet another negative).

Everything's just getting so difficult to deal with. I cry everynight, I can't go to church because everyone's either pregnant or just had a baby; everytime I hear about someone I know that's pregnant it's like another stab to the heart, especially if they had a baby after I had Emma. I don't know why this is happening to me, why Heavenly Father decides to give babies to people who don't want one, but those of us who are desperate to have one and would do anything to have another child of God don't get to have this privelage. It hurts eveyday. I'm constantly thinking about it, I can never get it off my mind no matter how hard I try. I can't keep going on like this, it's getting too difficult.

I feel so alone, none of my family has ever had infertility problems and they are constantly pressuring me to have a another baby, they don't understand that I'm doing everything in my power to have another baby. It's so hard to go through life feeling so alone, I've never felt like this before. To not know what to do next, to feel like the whole world is going on and leaving you in the dust. I look at Emma and it brings tears to my eyes. She deserves a little brother or sister, she loves babies, every time she sees a baby she runs up to it and sits there in awe talking and playing with them. I feel like I'm cheating her out of life.

Anyway, sorry if this post creeps you guys out. I just need to get these things off my chest every now and then. I will hopefully get throught this stage. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to figure out the next step in all of this, they seem to have all the answers which is nice.