Neil and I were married on June 2, 2006. Neil was 20 and I was 18, you heard me right, 18. On July 4, 2006, exactly one month and two days after we were wed, we found out we were expecting out first child. I was flabbergast. This was not how my life was supposed to go, but none-the-less we were excited to bring our baby girl into the world due March 16, 2007. But she surprised us and came 3 weeks early and extremely sick. She was life-flighted and stayed in the NICU for a week before coming home. I almost lost my baby and I was terrified.
When Emma was around 4 or 5 months old I started to get the feeling that it was time to try for another baby. A thought that scared the poop right out of me. Hello, do you not see how easy it was for number one to come. But I finally gave in when Emma was around 7 or 8 months old. We decided to just take it slow and see what happened. After about six months with no luck Neil and I started to get suspicious. We knew all along that my cycles were extremely irregular, I actually hadn't had one since Emma was born, but we trudged along hoping and praying that in due time we'd have another baby.
After a year of trying and no luck of becoming pregnant I went to my regular doctor to see what could be the cause. He pretty much referred me to a RE because he didn't feel comfortable doing too much. In November of 2008 Neil and I went to our first appointment with our (my) RE. He put me on Clomid for 3 months and said if that didn't work to come back.
Well, it didn't work. I went back and he told me I need to do an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if my tubes were blocked or if during any of my surgeries prior to becoming pregnant with Emma (C-section and gall bladder removal) may have caused scarring and made it difficult for the egg to implant. But that came back normal so he put me on a drug called Femara and we coupled that with IUI.
Month one, no luck. Tears in this household were plentiful. I was done, I wanted to get off the roller-coaster now, it was no longer fun. We had been doing this for almost two years and still no glimmer of a baby. Neil and I made the difficult decision that after two years we'd look into adoption...I had four months to go...
Month two of Femara and IUI...baby here we come! We got the news we'd been waiting for, Emma was going to be a big sister...and she was on March 11, 2010. We couldn't have been happier.
When Claire turned one Neil and I decided it was time to start on the path of trying for baby number three. We knew it could happen really fast, or take some time. We thought for sure we were ready to tackle this again. We'd been through this once, we knew what to expect, bring it on!
It's now been 6, going on 7, months, which don't get me wrong, really isn't a long time, especially in the infertility world. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't ready for it to be even MORE difficult than it was with Claire. I was expecting, "Here's your Femara, call when you're ready to be inseminated. Have a nice day." But it hasn't been like that at all. My emotions are completely drained. I've been hit with more roadblocks than I'd like to admit. I just want a baby, is that too much to ask for. It's a righteous desire. But I know that one day, hopefully not too far from now, I will have that precious baby (or two, I wouldn't mind getting two out of the way) and I'll be in pure bliss...until that irritating itch sets in again and it will be time to get in line for another ride of the ever so evolving roller-coaster.
You can see how my story is a little different than most. A woman was able to get pregnant without even trying, hell she was only married for a month, but then she can't have another, crazy! I hope all women that were able to get pregnant with one, two, even three, without needing help, but now want more and can't know that I don't know what you're going through, because we all experience this infertility journey differently, but I feel for you. I know the pain and loneliness from both the fertile world and the infertile world. It'a as if we're in limbo and it seems as if nobody understands what we're going through. But I also want you to know that I'm here. This needs to be talked about. Others need to know we're not just crazy baby hungry women that can't get pregnant as fast as the first time so we're automatically assuming we're infertile...we were just blessed to have an absolute miracle baby (or babies) and we have the desire to increase our family. We're dealing with infertility just like the rest of the infertile world, we put on the fake smiles (which we've mastered by now) and we pretend like we welcome all the unwanted advice. But inside we're aching, there's such a gaping hole in our hearts that nothing, no matter how hard we try, can fill. We see our children growing, getting older, and as much as we love watching them grow and develop, we miss the spirit a baby brings into the home, it's a daily reminder of the fact we already know, we need more children and we can't.
1 comment:
I'm glad you have been able to share so much of your story with us. . .I remember I was very hesitant when I started sharing my infertility journey on my blog but I'm so glad I did. It was a wonderful place to express what I was feeling and to receive some encouragement here and there.
Post a Comment