Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Story of the One Who Made Me a Mother

She did, Emma made me a mom, something I had been dreaming of since I was a little girl, and 5 wonderful years ago, Emma finally made my dreams come true and made me a mommy.

Emma's birth story is one that, five years after the fact, can still bring me to tears. It's a story that is very near and dear to my heart. I know I've told bits and pieces of it here on the blog, but I've never told everything of that day...I figure her 5th birthday is probably a good time. While this day was the best and most wonderful day of all, it was also the scariest and hardest days of my life...probably not just one of the hardest, but the absolute hardest to date. But here it is, in full. Make yourself comfortable, because, if you dare, you are about to embark on a novel.

The best place to start would probably be the very beginning, for those of you that don't know, Neil and I were married on June 2, 2006, and found out we were expecting on July 4, 2006...yep one month and two days after we were wed we were surprised to find out we were expecting, it was especially a surprise because I had been told that I would more than likely have a hard time conceiving.

My pregnancy went off without a hitch, everything was very uneventful, she was perfect and I was perfectly sick...This all started to come to a halt around 36 weeks, I was having regular contractions all day so I finally decided to see what was going on. I was indeed having contractions, and I was dilated to 3 and 80-90% effaced...woohoo. But 2 hours later no change had been made, that's when my doctor gave me the option of staying in the hospital for the night or going home to try to get some sleep, I opted to go home, which I'm really glad I did. At that my mom mentioned maybe giving me a shot of Demerol for the pain, my doctor agreed that it was a great idea and so the nurse gave me a shot of the magical medicine (I came to find out later that my mom recommended this not only because it helps with pain, but because it will do one of two things 1)if you are in real labor it will pick things up and make them move along, or 2) if it is false labor it will slow thins down and make the contractions stop.) I went back to my parents house and was able to sleep thanks to modern medicine, even though the nurses all thought I would be back before the night was over, we were all disappointed when I woke up in the morning with very little pain with my contractions, and by the end of the day they had pretty much subsided.

My pregnancy continued for a little over a week...it all started on February 23. Neil was at work so I was with my mom that night. I was telling her how I hadn't felt Emma move very much at all, she reassured me and told me to keep track of the movements, but not to become too worried. The rest of the night I really didn't feel her move any more, and as she was dropping me off I told her again that I just wasn't feeling her move, we talked more and I decided that when Neil got home I would have him give me a blessing and we would go from there. Neil got home close to midnight and I told him what was going on, he gave me a blessing and in the middle I felt Emma move for a minute. That calmed my nerves somewhat and Neil and I decided to go to bed and see how we felt in the morning.

The next day was Saturday so Neil and I did what we usually did...straighten up the house, relax, and later that night we went to dinner and a movie. I remember all throughout the day I still wasn't feeling Emma move, Neil never asked me (I think we he was scared) and I never mentioned to Neil what I was feeling (I know I was too scared). I remember during the movie I wasn't able to concentrate at all because I was continually worrying about Emma and poking and prodding at my stomach to make her move (it didn't work). Finally, when we got home late that night I told Neil that I hadn't felt Emma move, he tried to convince me to go to the hospital, to which I disagreed completely, I was just being a paranoid first time mom. I went to get in the shower, and Neil sneakily called my mom to get back-up...it worked and we headed up to Heber around 11. We picked my mom up and arrived at the hospital around midnight.

For the first two hours they just monitored me, everything looked....okay. They said that every time I had a contraction Emma would move so they couldn't really get an accurate reading, so I was put in weird positions and things were moved around to try to find her again. It was round 2 am that my doctor came in to check me and see what was going on. I was now dilated to a 4 and 100% effaced, progress. He said that Emma's strip wasn't great but it wasn't terrible and he wanted to keep me overnight to make sure everything was okay.

Neil took my mom home while I started to settle in for the night. That's where things started to get hectic. The nurse came back in to tell me that Emma started have some late decels (after a contraction her heart rate would drop) so they wanted to give my some oxygen and give me fluids through an IV. When Neil returned from dropping my mom off (which wasn't more than 10 minutes, my parents only live a couple miles away from the hospital) my doctor followed him in to tell us some startling news...Emma was in distress, every time I would have a contraction, it's not that she would move, it's that her heart rate would drop so low they couldn't pick it up. She needed to get out and she needed to get out now, the stress of labor would be too much for her, thus the only option was an emergency c-section. Neil called my parents and his, my mom and sister were back at the hospital in less than 5 minutes. I actually remember shaking because I was so shocked, my sister told me to calm down....that's when I snapped, I didn't cry, I didn't yell, I just looked at her and said very sternly to shut up because she had no idea what I was going through and dealing with....I feel bad about that now...

Within a half hour of being told I was going to have a c-section, I was being wheeled into the operating room. I was lucky enough to be able to not just have Neil there, but also my mom. Because she worked in surgery at this hospital she was allowed in. And after only a few short moments Emma was brought into this world, but had I not seen all the nurses go from me to the baby bed, I wouldn't have known. She made no sound, not even a whimper. I attempted to stay calm by telling myself that sometimes babies don't cry right off, it can take a couple minutes, but those minutes and then some passed with still no sound. The next thing I remember is talk of an ambulance, I was mortified, then the talked changed to life-flight....this must be a nightmare, I can wake-up now...no harm no foul. But it wasn't a nightmare, this was my baby they were talking about, my helpless newborn baby girl. Neil was unsure as whether stay by my side or to go be with Emma, I assured him that I am a big girl and take care of myself, but Emma needs her daddy by her side, that's when he left my side. My mom recalls me saying something to the effect of, "Mommy, where's my baby, how is she, is she okay? Mommy, my baby, what's going on?", which I don't, but I do know that I was asking how Emma was. I remember my mom being so calm and collected and telling me, "She's absolutely beautiful. She has a head full of black hair. She's so pretty. She's just having a hard time breathing so they're helping her with that. But Ali, she's so beautiful." She saved me from a complete and utter melt down.



I wasn't able to see Emma until they had her stabilized, which turned out to be 5 or so hours. As they wheeled her out of the operating room, the nurses stopped so I could see her, but being numb from the armpits down and my arms strapped to the operating table, I was only able to see the top of her head, but I could already see how magnificent she was.

Bagging Emma

This was one of the very first pictures I was able to see of Emma. I started bawling my eyes out. Neil definitely was taking care of her.

After the C-section and the recovery room, I was finally let in to my hospital room where my dad and Neil's parents were waiting. I know it sounds rude and it was wonderful to know they were there for support, but I just couldn't figure out how I was supposed to entertain them....I just wanted them to leave so I could wallow. But it was in that room that I was finally able to figure out what was going on with my sweet girl. I found out that it was true, she wasn't able to breathe on her own, they bagged her right after birth and she then had a hole in one of her lungs, which led to them cutting a small hole in her rib cage so they could place a tube to begin the healing process. I was informed that on the Apgar scale (the scale used to determine how healthy an infant is at birth, 0 being dead and 10 being perfect in every way...a 6 or higher is considered good) my little Emma was a 1, not what I wanted to hear. She was doing better, but airmed was in intubating her so she would be life-flighted to the U of U hospital.

My mom came in a little while later (she, my sister, and Neil were all with Emma) to show me some pictures, since I still wasn't able to see her. Words cannot describe how I felt when I saw those pictures, she wasn't just perfect. My heart was so full. I've heard motherhood explained as having your heart outside of your body and even that doesn't fully describe how it feels to see your baby for the first time. My mom told me she weighed 5 lbs 2 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. I finally understood what love at first sight is. Don't get me wrong, I loved Emma from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but oh....I just can't describe the feelings she evoked.

After a while airmed brought Emma in so I could finally see her before she was taken to the U of U. They explained to me what was going on and let Neil give Emma a blessing, they were there for only about 5 minutes and they were off...my baby was gone. I wasn't even able to see my girl open her eyes because they had already intubated her, but I got to see and touch her! It was amazing!

Emma in her bed ready for life-flight. This was the first time I got to see her.


Isn't she absolutely beautiful?!

Airmed taking her away.

Everyone left to go to the U and be with Emma so I was left by myself. I tried to get some sleep, but I had too much on my mind. I was continually praying that everything would be alright and Emma would pull through. During that time I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father. I can honestly say he was right there with me, holding me and comforting me the way only a dad can. I remember when Neil would express his worries or concerns I would reply with a simple, "Everything's going to be alright." When he would ask me how I knew this, I couldn't explain myself, I just knew.

Her first day in the NICU. You can see her chest tube really well here.

Because Emma had been without oxygen for so long her kidneys took a hit (they are the first organ to do so) but they were worse than originally thought, so Emma had to have and MRI because after the kidneys the brain is the next organ to take a hit from lack of oxygen. This was the only thing that I was concerned about. Her brain....that's everything. We were all extremely relieved and thankful that her MRI came back extremely normal, the neurologist even gave her a "gold star" which apparently is rare.

The first day in the NICU Emma was on a C-Pap machine to breathe for her, but she was quickly weened off that to a nasal cannula. Everyday she was making progress and finally by her fourth day in the ICU she was able to be held. I sat there and stared at her until they came and told me it was time for her to go back to her bassinet. I remember asking Neil if he wanted to hold her because I felt so bad hogging her and he, being the wonderful husband and daddy he is, told me that I was fine, I'm the mom and deserve to hold her as long as I please...to which I did.

Emma's C-PAP

My first time seeing Emma after I was released from the hospital.




My first time holding Emma Love.

We were originally told that Emma would most likely stay in the hospital for 2 weeks, but a minimum of a week, so we were surprised when we were told that we could take her home after only 6 days in the NICU. I actually started dancing...kind of, it still hurt to move too much. We brought her home and she has been the perfect child ever since. Okay, maybe not perfect, but why would you want a perfect child? She's wonderful just the way she is. I love that girl with all my heart.

First day home!

She almost gets lost in that blanket!

I want to shout-out to my doctor...he's pretty damn amazing, yep I swore because that's how wonderful he is. He saved my baby girl's life. He even went above and beyond his job description by calling the NICU everyday to get an update on Emma. When I went in to get my staples out you could see the concern in his face. I remember him telling me that he had gone over again and again in his mind what we could have seen to detect this earlier on, but he couldn't think of anything. I reassured him that I believe he is right, but he listened to me and didn't think I was crazy, and by doing so my Emma was still here with me. I couldn't ask for more. so that's why I'm a crazy lunatic and drive an hour to go to the doctor, because I don't trust anyone as much as I trust Dr. Tayler.

So that's the story of Emma banging birth. She new that if she came she would come with a bang, one that we would never forget, because that's her to a T. Love that girl.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Pathetic Update

Nothing really to update you all on. I know you've been sitting anxiously awaiting my next post...sorry to get your hopes up. Still alive and doing well. I'm working on the novel that is Emma's birth, because she will be turning 5 on Saturday and I haven't quite documented all the happenings of that wondrous day. Look out for that.

P.S. Am I really old enough to have a 5 year-old?! GAG!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Here's To You, Grandma Barker



Have you ever prepared for, and hoped for something for so long that you're positive you will be perfectly fine when it comes to fruition, but when it does, you fall apart?

My grandma passed away yesterday. She was an amazing woman. She did it all, cooking, sewing, gardening, quilting, you name it, she did it...with perfection. She was the one who would pick me up from school when I was sick and both parents were working, she would always let me lick the beaters after she had mixed something delectable, she always had soda in her fridge and candy bars under her T.V. waiting for the grandkids to raid, her house was the one all would congregate to every Sunday to visit. I remember the sleepovers in her bed, the fake jewelry downstairs, the cousin New Year's Eve parties, including hoards of confetti, all these memories of her and her love for her grandchildren.


During the last nine years of my grandma's life she fought tooth and nail with Alzheimer's. I watched as the grandma I grew up with and loved slowly dwindled away and she became someone else. My wonderful parents took her in their home and cared for her. For four years I would go up to Heber to watch her while my parents were at work. Now instead of her caring for me while I was sick, it was my turn to do unto her what she had so lovingly and willing done unto me. There were some very hard times, but my parents still loved her and did everything they could do for her without any complaining. While watching her, my children were able to get to know their great-grandma, she loved them and they deeply loved her. I was able to sit and watch as my grandma held my newborn daughter in her arms as she sang simple lullabies as they both drifted to sleep. My girls still love their grandma Tennie, or "Nienie".


This past year my sweet grandma has been confined to a bed, she has suffered so much. Last night, as my grandma left this life, I was able to be there, holding her hand, and reaffirming that I love her. I had prepared so long this that moment, I had hoped and prayed for her suffering to end, I thought I was ready for that moment. But the reality is, nothing can prepare you for the moment your grandma leaves her mortal body. I am so relieved that her suffering has finally come to an end and that she is finally back in her husband's arms, the arms she has missed for 22 years. I am happy for her, more than happy...I am ecstatic. But that pain is still there, I had lost my grandma many years ago, but now she is really gone.

I'm so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my grandma again, and that she will still be the one with the best pies in the world. She's left this world only for a better one, one with no pain or suffering, one where she isn't confused anymore. She will be able to sing lullabies to my children once again, and I know she's up there now, singing to my baby Clark, preparing him for the terror that is his mother. While I will miss her deeply, I know that I didn't say good-bye forever, I said good-bye for now.


My parents are the most amazing people, they cared for and loved my grandma. She wasn't the easiest woman to live with during those last years, but I know she loved them too. Everyone was Wells and Sue, she never forgot who they were. She depended on them for so much...for everything, and they delivered tenfold. I can't say thank you enough to my parents for what they did for my grandma, they made her life the best it could be, given her disease, and made her comfortable during the most trying times. They are shining examples to me and my family. I love them dearly.