As the night wears on I realize that today is the start of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week, or NIAW (if you want to read last year's post, click here).
Every year, this week surrounds me with memories of my own ongoing journey, because honestly it never ends. I'm reminded of the countless doctor visits, pharmacy runs, medicines taken, pregnancy tests taken, tears shed, prayers prayed, despair felt, hope lost. But more importantly I'm also reminded of the endless tears of joy cried when pregnancy was confirmed, faith built through prayer, relationship built with my Father in Heaven, understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and so much more.
I'm continually reminded of one particular night when Neil and I were trying to get pregnant before Claire. I had had a terrible day, I'm not sure if I had just had another negative pregnancy test or not, but on this day in particular I couldn't get the nagging thoughts of failure and the daydreams of being pregnant out of my head. Neil was at work, so I was left alone to wallow. As I was praying that night, I was so mad, so terribly mad that I had to carry this burden. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and asking God over and over again why he would do this to the one's he loved. "Why me?" Why did he think I was strong enough to overcome this? I went to bed that night still crying.
When I woke up the next morning, words cannot describe the comfort that was felt. Yes, there was still that stab of pain that never seemed to disappear, but it was more of a prick than a stab. I woke up with a more comprehensive understanding of the atonement. Christ has felt the deep wounds that I felt. But what also resonated was the knowledge that no matter how mad or upset I was at God, he will always love me unconditionally. The night before when I was sobbing uncontrollably, he was there holding my hand and crying with me, just was a parent does with their child. He feels my pain as his own. We are NEVER alone in this infertility journey, no matter how alone we feel, our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. With every medicine taken, shot injected, ultrasound performed, he is holding our hand and rooting us on.
The theme this year of NIAW is "Join the movement..." Everyone can help those suffering from infertility, please join them, be their support. Love them unconditionally.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html
