The most difficult test to take

I took the dreaded test again a few days ago, you know that test. It seems simple enough, pee on it and wait. That's it. But for me (and so many others I know), it's the hardest test to take. But I geared up for it, expecting to get the answer I usually get, one line, no baby, try again...but this time I got 2 very vivid clear lines. I was shocked, I grabbed the user guide out of the box to make sure I read it right (cause I guess I haven't taken enough to know?), and sure enough I read it right. I'm pregnant. It seems so surreal to say that.

The path to pregnancy this time around has been extremely spiritual, and all I can say is Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. There was no need for a fertility specialist. It's almost too good to be true. We are head over heals excited.

It all started back in November. Neil and I were at the temple, in the Celestial Room no doubt and he turns to me and says, "I think we need to start trying for another baby." Smooth move Neil, smooth move. How can you say no to that? Actually a baby was the furthest thing from my mind then. I was happy where we were and wasn't ready for baby number 4. I compromised and told him I'd go off birth control, but that's all I was willing to do. That was all he was asking for.

In December, off birth control, my period came! What the what? My body isn't normal...maybe it was just a fluke...but in January the same thing happened. I was baffled. I talked to Neil and we decided that this was probably the Lord's was of telling us(me) it's time to get going. So in February my period came again. Okay, so I'm not pregnant, but my period is regular, give or take a few days. Now I was scared, scared of getting my hopes up and ending up back where we always do, with the fertility specialist, going through our options, in our own personal Hell. So I prayed. I prayed that if we were supposed to get pregnant that it would happen without any help, I begged. I confided in Heavenly Father that it wasn't a baby I was scared of, it was going to the fertility specialist, if he would only take that out of the equation. Afterwards, I just kind of knew that this time I would get pregnant without help, I didn't know if it was me getting my hopes up, but I liked to think it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.

When my period was late in March, I didn't give it much thought. they can be off a few days or my body's going back to it's "normal" thing. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I let a few days go by before I was at Walmart picking up some things and casually decided to grab a pregnancy test, I just wanted to know for sure that my body was going back to it's normal routine. I forgot all about the test until later and decided why not, I had to pee anyway. I took it and then saw those blessed two lines!

It may have happened sooner than Neil and I had originally planned, but we are so, so, so excited! It's going to be the longest 9 months of Emma's life! She can't stop talking about the baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl, what we're going to name it, and everything else in between.

When Infertiles Unite

As the night wears on I realize that today is the start of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week, or NIAW (if you want to read last year's post, click here).

Every year, this week surrounds me with memories of my own ongoing journey, because honestly it never ends. I'm reminded of the countless doctor visits, pharmacy runs, medicines taken, pregnancy tests taken, tears shed, prayers prayed, despair felt, hope lost. But more importantly I'm also reminded of the endless tears of joy cried when pregnancy was confirmed, faith built through prayer, relationship built with my Father in Heaven, understanding of the Plan of Salvation, and so much more.

I'm continually reminded of one particular night when Neil and I were trying to get pregnant before Claire. I had had a terrible day, I'm not sure if I had just had another negative pregnancy test or not, but on this day in particular I couldn't get the nagging thoughts of failure and the daydreams of being pregnant out of my head. Neil was at work, so I was left alone to wallow. As I was praying that night, I was so mad, so terribly mad that I had to carry this burden. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and asking God over and over again why he would do this to the one's he loved. "Why me?" Why did he think I was strong enough to overcome this? I went to bed that night still crying.

When I woke up the next morning, words cannot describe the comfort that was felt. Yes, there was still that stab of pain that never seemed to disappear, but it was more of a prick than a stab. I woke up with a more comprehensive understanding of the atonement. Christ has felt the deep wounds that I felt. But what also resonated was the knowledge that no matter how mad or upset I was at God, he will always love me unconditionally. The night before when I was sobbing uncontrollably, he was there holding my hand and crying with me, just was a parent does with their child. He feels my pain as his own. We are NEVER alone in this infertility journey, no matter how alone we feel, our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. With every medicine taken, shot injected, ultrasound performed, he is holding our hand and rooting us on.

The theme this year of NIAW is "Join the movement..." Everyone can help those suffering from infertility, please join them, be their support. Love them unconditionally.



http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

Le Weight...

Yep, I'm finally doing it. I'm confessing to the world that I know I need to lose the lbs. I am constantly asking myself, "How did I get here?" It's like if I could find the answer to that question I could solve world hunger. The answer is actually quite simple....I like to eat and not work-out...dum dum dum....

I look at the pictures of myself in high school and college (pretty much anything before I started having babies) and I think that I look damn good...but back then I thought I was fat. Poor, poor messed up little girl. I never had to work-out or eat right to stay at a healthy weight in those days, should I still have done that? Absolutely, but I had the mentality of a teenager (go figure).

Fast forward now about six years. After six years, fertility treatments, and three beautiful children later, I've finally hit my breaking point. The other day I looked in the mirror at myself (something I try to avoid at all costs) and I was absolutely disgusted with how I looked. That may sound harsh to some, but it was the wake-up call I needed. What have I done to myself?! Good lovin'!

At my six week postpartum check my doctor asked me about birth control. After Claire I never went on birth control because I honestly didn't see the point, and I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't needed. But when we started trying for Clark, my fertility doctor informed me that birth control can help with the side effects of PCOS, such as helping take off the weight and helping the the extra hair (yep, it's true) that we women with PCOS sometimes have. So, with that I talked to my doctor about it. He said I couldn't do Mirena because I need estrogen to help with those, so the pill it was. But then he said because I'm nursing I can't take any birth control with estrogen because it messes with your milk supply....GREAT! So I'm birth control free until I'm finished nursing again.

But now comes the hard part...figuring out how to reverse not just my eating habits, but my total way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, I totally love fruits and veggies, but I totally love my chocolate as well. I've looked online for tips and tricks, but then I have to remind myself that I'm nursing and I still need to take in extra calories for Clarkie Bean (but not as much as I have been). It's been hard to be nursing and wanting to lose weight at the same time. I am constantly hungry, I kid you not. It's really frustrating, I wasn't even this bad while pregnant. But now that I'm nursing all I want to do is eat! It's an insatiable need I have and it feels as if I can't control myself, but the reality is I can.

I've decided that I need to make slow, subtle changes until I'm finally where I want to be. First things first, I need to eat better. Plain and simple. And I'm trying, I make mistakes and slip up some days, but I'm getting better. Second thing, I need to move more. I saw on a Facebook friend's page that all she did to lose an incredible amount of weight (seriously she looks amazing!) was eat less and move more. What an ingenious idea! I know it seems simple, but hearing it again really stuck with me. So That's what I'm doing world, eating less and moving more. I'm starting really slowly, because I know if I go too fast I'll fizzle out just as fast. It took six years to get at this weight, I'm not expecting my weight to magically change over night.

You want to know my starting weight, what I weight now? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Really. Neil doesn't even know how much this big mamma jamba weighs, that's how ashamed I am. But let's just say I want to lose about 40 pounds. Let's start this weight loss journey together. One small step at a time.

What Infertility Does to a Person

Sitting here, rummaging through my thoughts, I've realized that I'm at a total loss for what to say. I guess that's why I've put off writing this post. As I said previously, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I'm not the type to get all hot and bothered over a "theme", if you will, for a specific week/month to draw attention to certain diseases or disorders, but this week needs special attention. 

I'm at a loss of a way to put into words what infertility does, not just to the person suffering from it, but to the couple, to the family, to all those who are close friends/family with the one suffering from infertility. How do you explain something so personal, something so close to my heart, something, that even 40 years down the road, when I'm done having children, will still have left my heart a little broken? 

But really, I'm lucky. I've been able to get pregnant fairly quickly after fertility treatments and have had two, almost three wonderful spirits come into my life. When I hear of someone suffering from infertility my heart breaks for them, I want to give them a hug and tell them I love them. This is a disease I would never wish on my worst enemy. Some days I hate the fact that I'm one of the 1 in 8 that suffers from some form of infertility, but in all actuality I'm glad it's me and not someone else, I'm thankful that I was able to take the pain and heart-ache away from someone so they don't have to suffer and go through what so many of us have to go through. 

I want to say that after trying for a year and finally getting an answer to why Neil and I couldn't conceive on our own that we felt at peace and like all of our questions were answered...but I can't say that. Were we relieved? You better believe it, but we were also left with more questions than we came with. Now, instead of "Why can't we get pregnant", we were left with questions swirling around in our head such as, "What now? What are we supposed to do? What if this doesn't work?" etc. 

Infertility is like a maze, you can't see what's in front of you, but maybe if you turn this way instead of that you will find the finish line. If that doesn't work then backtrack and try the other route, and if that doesn't work? Back to the beginning you go to start all over to see where changes can be made. You're continually looking for the ladder that will let you see the layout of your maze journey, but the truth is, there isn't one, instead of trying to climb higher to see you finally realize that you must do the exact opposite and fall to your knees, close your eyes and pray. Pray for guidance, for patience, for knowledge, for faith, for comfort. Because that's how you're finally going to find the finish line, it may not be the finish line you had in mind, but when you finally arrive there you know it's what was planned long ago for you. 

Like I said, infertility has permanently screwed me up. Even though I'm a mom to almost three, whenever I hear of someone that is pregnant I get a stab of jealousy. Why do I do this? I have no idea and I feel so childish when it happens. I don't know their story, maybe they had gone through more than me to be blessed with their sweet baby...but it hurts all the same. Don't get me wrong, I am still happy for them and want to celebrate in their joy, but sometimes I wish that were me. 

So what do I ask during NIAW? I ask that we all have more understanding, more love, and more knowledge of infertility. I ask that we not be so judgmental towards those women who cry instead of cheer for joy when one of their friends announces their pregnancy, that we understand why your best friend didn't show up to your baby shower. I promise it's not because she didn't want to, or that she isn't excited for you, or that she doesn't love you...it's simply because she can't face a crowd of women again with empty arms while they all hold their precious babies in theirs. It's because she can't answer another, "When are you going to have a baby?" I ask that we love all those that suffer from infertility, because honestly, that's what we need the most.

I stumbled upon this blog post a while back and have been meaning to post it, but haven't gotten around to it. If you do or have dealt with infertility, it will speak to your heart. I almost cried reading it, but since I was in the middle of class, and should have been paying attention, I refrained. This is a must read.

A Big Fat No

That's what the pregnancy test told me when I nicely asked it if I was indeed pregnant. Nada. It's weird because this month I was okay with it...somewhat. I had a feeling before we even started that this month wasn't the month for me. I think that was one of Heavenly Father's tender mercies for me in my time of need, you know, to let me know and have time to accept the fact that I'm not pregnant before the dreaded negative comes. I didn't even cry when I found out, I almost did a few times, but I didn't. I was proud of myself. I've honestly had many feelings about this process, most of which are too personal to share, but I've known that this process is going to take longer than I want it to take, and other little intuitions. I'm thankful for those, they let me know that my loving Heavenly Father is still guiding me through this. He's still listening to my pleas, and that he still loves me.

Now Neil and I have had multiple talks about where to go if this did happen, what our choices are and what we want to do next. We've researched everything IVF entails and have decided that, at least for right now, that's not the best option for us. With me in school and juggling everything else we're juggling, I honestly don't think we could do it and stay sain. So, with that being said, we're going to do the injectable meds. We start the whole process on Monday morning. I don't know what it all entails, so I'm a little nervous about the whole process. All The nurse said was you do multiple ultrasounds and daily injections until you're ready for insemination. Sounds so pleasant, right? Yeah, I don't think so either. I have to keep my eye on the end product...another precious baby. Neil and I have decided that we will do this for one, maybe two months and then go from there. But I don't want to think about that. Let's just hope this month works. Think happy thoughts...

Just Stop Thinking About It

It feels like I get that advice quite a lot while trying for a baby. "Just relax, stop thinking about it. It seems that whenever I stopped thinking about that is when I got pregnant." Well good for you, it's not so easy for me. I kind of really have to think about it, and I try my darnedest to relax. Some of my other favorites are, "Just remember that God's timeline is not our timeline and it will happen when Heavenly Father sees fit." But I must admit that my all time favorite is, "Well, just be grateful you already have two children." Really? I mean, really? You're really going to throw that back in my face? It's like you're saying to me, "You already have two children so stop your whining!" You don't think that hasn't crossed my mind before? You think by telling me this I'm going to walk away and think, "Oh my gosh! They were right! I need to get over it." Thank you, but I am extremely grateful for my two beautiful daughters. They are my life and love, I don't know where I would be without them in my life. The other day I was talking to a family member about this exact advice and I love her response, she stated that whether you have no children or 100, if you want another child, the heartache is the same. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Don't get my wrong, I know people who give me advice aren't meaning to be rude, they are honestly trying to help. They don't understand that their advice hurts me and continually reminds me of what I already know. I know to relax, and I try to. I know that God's timeline is not our timeline, every night I pray to him for patience and the knowledge of his plan for me. Don't get me wrong, I also pray for a baby, but I know that going through this is a learning experience, and I know that I need to learn patience. And I know that I already have two children, thanks for the reminder. Just FYI, if you know someone is dealing with infertility, please, PLEASE don't give them any advice, I can pretty much guarantee they don't want to hear it...that is unless you have also dealt with it and they ask you for advice...

As of now, I'm in the middle of the dreaded two week wait, the time between the IUI and the time I can take a test to see if I'm pregnant. It's excruciating, I read into every little thing...probably too much. I expect the worst, but hope for the best. It's a 24/7 mind game in this household.

Neil's Rantings

Today we went to the andrology lab at the U for a 4th attempt of IUI (intrauterine insemination). I really hope it works this time, because the next options cost quite a bit more. Regardless, we will do what it takes to get pregnant.

This is not my first rodeo. Today was the eighth time I have provided a sample of semen for some lab to clean and prepare for insemination. It remains to be one of the most awkward feelings I have ever felt, that is, walking out of "the room" where I had just "provided" a sample. Everyone knows what I just did! I can feel their stinging eyes on me as I walk into the waiting room to sit back down with Ali. The other thing I hate thinking about, is seeing the comfortable looking couch in this little room that seems to be saying to me, "Guess how many guys I've been with?". Let's just say I cover the whole area with towels before I do anything. Even worse, was The Dr. we saw when we were trying for Claire, had pictures of Christ hung on the walls right before you walk in to the collection room. That was wonderful! All in all, my part of the IUI is awkward, unlike Ali's fun time she get's to have once they clean and prepare the sample! Let's just say, I'm not jealous.

I never thought that it would be hard to have children. I remember growing up and hearing in the media how you're not supposed to have unprotected sex, because you will get pregnant! I only wished it was that easy! I especially hate shows like "16 and Pregnant", because that's a kick in the face to Ali and I. Some stupid little kids that don't even know what love is and don't even want a baby, are so easily blessed with one? Where is the justice in that? I hate it! The funny thing is though, Ali is obsessed with that show. I don't know how she can watch it.

I guess the one positive thing for couples struggling with infertility is they have no need for contraceptions of any sorts. Saves money, saves time, and makes things easier.

If it does work this time, I hope it's a boy. I have two beautiful and rambunctious girls. A boy would help with our current ratio. So many hormones already..

Well, this is all I have to say for now. Until next time...

-Neil

FYI: