Emma has had ultimate control over me and I haven't known how to control her. How am I supposed to send her to her room when sending her to her room makes everything ten times worse? How am I supposed to tell her not to whine because when I do the whining turns into full fledged screaming and bawling. My life has been consumed with constant noise and frustration. I'm so sick of noise I could just scream! Noise from Emma crying and whining, noise from me yelling at her for making noise, noise from Claire crying (which doesn't happen that much anymore), noise from Neil getting mad at Emma, just noise, noise, NOISE! The thought of going back to school made me sick to my stomach, how could I possibly go back to school and take on that task when the task at home is overwhelming in and of itself?
Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stress about anything, I'm a very low stress person, I just roll with the punches. These last few weeks I've had a few spells where I'm doing something and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm forgetting something really important and get the annoying nagging feeling all day long, and then it turns into a headache. It's been miserable, I tell Neil it's the closest I've ever been to any sort of an anxiety attack. I can only imagine what a full blown anxiety attack feels like. My home life has been making every other point of my life excruciating. I'm so lost.
Just when I feel like I'm in the thick of it, I came across this blog. Tears were streaming down my face. This woman is a remarkable woman, someone I want to aspire to. She has been through more than most of us will be asked to go through, and she still is so thankful for everything, even for her trials. I read blogs from the beginning for her blog up to her most recent, her life totally transformed in a matter of minutes. I remember one post, not too long after her crash, where she talks about her youngest who was crying one night and her husband was getting frustrated with him. She decided to pick up her small boy, she was so overjoyed with the fact that she could actually pick him up herself, and she walked him around the house one time, another thing she hadn't been able to do for an extended period of time. She concluded with the fact that she was starting to feel like a mother, at least starting to. This post made me realize how incredibly ungrateful I have been. I've taken for granted the ease it is to pick up my crying child, and the fact that I actually say no so often makes me sick. Here is a woman who is so thrilled to finally feel like a mother again, and then there is me who has been dreading my role as a mother.
Last night while laying down for bed I came to the conclusion that something in my life has to change, and it's me. I need to change my attitude. I decided that this change isn't something that I can do overnight, but that the start of the change had to start today. I made a few goals for the day, just a few small goals which were to say my morning prayers (which I am terrible at), read my scriptures (again, something I'm ashamed to say I'm terrible at), and spend quality one-on-one time with my angel Emma. I'm proud to say that I accomplished every one of those goals today, tomorrow is the same three goals until they become habitual, and then I will add on three more simple goals. But today, oh today, it was so wonderful! I hardly lost my temper with Emma, Emma was better behaved than she has been in a long time, our house seemed, dare I say, calm.
When I knelt down to my Heavenly Father I asked him for help throughout the day, help for me to learn how to let the little things go and help to not get so impatient with Emma. can I just say how much I love my loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing and he loves us all, even me, the screaming, impatient, loony mother. And I love him.
Here's to a better me...
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