I've taken a hiatus for a while. I'm not quite sure why, or what prompted my need to do so, but I did. I kept thinking about updating this thing, but never would get around to it, but I kept getting the impression that I needed to get back on here. So here I am, not quite sure what to say or how to say it, but I'm here.
Life got crazy, like crazy crazy. Everything seemed to come at me and once, and I didn't (and still don't, to be honest) know how to handle it all. This pregnancy, as excited as I was/am, has thrown me or a huge loop. I wasn't expecting to be having a baby right now, but I am, and I really need to come to terms with that...we moved too. Yep, found a house, bought it, and moved. I love our new house, it's exactly what our family needs and we won't be outgrowing this place for a long while. I think we've found a place to settle for a long while.
The other night, while Neil and I were laying in bed watching random videos on our phones (that's what we do at night...pretty romantic, eh?), I came across this video. I know the video is about pornography addiction, but it spoke to me on a different level. I haven't been able to get the video off my mind. Marriage is hard, yo. And sometimes it's really, really hard. So hard it feels like it would be so much easier to walk away while saying, "Welp, this was fun....sayonara." But sometimes that's not the best decision. Like it says in the video, there comes a point where you either have to fix it or walk away. We have to have faith that Christ KNOWS us and he wants to help us. He knows our pains and how we're suffering, and he wants to help heal us, to heal our breaking marriage. But finding a starting point is the hard part. Where do you even begin to find where it started? What I keep coming back to, and what I can't keep our of my mind is the statement made by the wife in this video about the adversary laughing at her. I know he's laughing at Neil and I. I know he sees us, trying to fight for what we know is right, but he laughs at our inadequacies. He laughs at our shortcomings. He laughs at every wrong turn. But on the other side is Christ, he's not laughing at us, he's trying to help us overcome our inadequacies and shortcomings. He's rejoicing when we make a right turn.
This baby, this baby boy that is coming into our family in a couple short months...I never thought I would say this, but he's coming at a time when it would be easier to not have a baby. Does this mean I don't want him? NO, it just means he's coming at an "odd" time for me. I try every day to be excited. Sometimes I actually do get excited, but then comes the reality of it all. I find myself asking why Heavenly Father would allow me to become pregnant, especially when it would be so much easier to prevent it, it's not like I was expecting to get pregnant quickly or easily. I wouldn't have been surprised if we weren't pregnant right now. Then why, why did he do this to me, why now, of all times? I still haven't found the answer to this question and I don't know when I will, I just have to keep reminding myself that he knows more than me. He sees so much more, he's trying to help me see too...I just can't.
I was born at an "odd" time for my family as well. I didn't know the details growing up, and I still don't know them all, but I do know enough now to only imagine how hard it was. I can imagine my mom thinking the exact same thoughts about me as I am thinking about baby boy. Growing up I never felt less loved by my parents, but I can say I always felt like the odd man out in my family. I never understood why, and it was something I struggle with, especially in my teens. And then when I found out about the circumstances surrounding my life, it helped me slowly piece together what I had/do felt/feel. It's helped me be more okay with knowing that I will never have that familial closeness. So then, comes my struggle. I don't want this baby to feel what I felt growing up. Although, circumstances are different, some feelings of then and now are the same. I'm scared to death to make this baby not feel included. I don't want him questioning his role in the family. I don't want his siblings to make him the target. I want him to have more than me.
Then comes church, no one tells you that when one thing goes wrong, it makes doing everything else a million times harder. I only go to church because I know I need to. It's hard. I hate feeling like not wanting to go, but I don't, and I'm miserable to whole time. But I go, that has to count for something, right? I know it's me that needs to change and my attitude. But it's so draining. Then my calling suffers....the poor kids I teach pay the price. I'm never prepared like I should be, and I'm sure I'm the most boring teacher in the world...but man, just getting up and going to church wears me out.
Life, whatcha gonna do?
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