Looking in the Mirror...

I posted this before and after picture of me a while ago on Facebook/Instagram. The feedback was awesome, and I loved all the great comments and support I got for the massive change that my body has undergone over the past year. 

To be honest, I can't imagine how I was ever that girl on the left anymore. I can't believe I let myself do that, but the reality is, I did. When I showed Neil the picture on the left he said, "Well, yeah, but you were pregnant in that picture." Uh....nope. I definitely was NOT pregnant and when I brought this to his attention we both laughed for a really long time.

I'm still not at the goal weight (a little less than 10 pounds to go). But I never imagined being able to look back a year from then and say, "WOW! I did it! I really did it!" But I can, and it's amazing. It's hard and I hate it at times, but I only hate the moments, I don't hate the process as a whole. I love that I can now run longer than a minute without getting short of breath (not even exaggerating!) 

I have hated myself for a long time. Ever since I can remember, I was never smart enough, kind enough, funny enough, and yes, skinny enough. I had terrible self-esteem, I never spoke up because I thought my opinion didn't matter (those who know me know are laughing out loud, that's okay, it's true, I'm loud). I guess I finally gave up trying to be "skinny" enough. And then my self-esteem took an even bigger plunge. I wouldn't even look at myself, I would avoid pictures at all cost, I hated having myself somewhere for everyone to remember. I still remember the day that picture on the left was taken. I remember my anxiety level as Neil was taking pictures of Claire on the horse and I was right beside her, and I remember thinking, "Please don't get me in the picture, please." But he did, and there it is for all to see. 

But, now that I've not just changed how I look, I'm trying to change how I think about myself. I've seen myself become a totally different person. I'm very loud and my opinion will be heard these days. I like to laugh and have a good time, and I think I'm pretty damn funny and smart. 

But one thing is hard, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I still see that "fat" Ali. It's the strangest feeling. I see no progress and no change, yes I see my clothes are smaller, but I don't see the change on my body. The only thing I can compare it to is when you learn about eating disorders and they show you the picture of the clearly skinny, or even too skinny girl, looking in the mirror and she sees an overweight girl looking back at her. I see that girl too. I never understood how that worked until now. I have to be really good at telling myself that I'm fine, I don't actually look like that. But I do see the change when looking at two pictures side-by-side, I guess that's why I keep them around. 

I just want those who are trying and feel like a failure to never give up. It's not easy all the time, some days you rock it and others you don't. That's okay, it's not just about weight, it's about you! 

Life, Updated

I guess it's time for my monthly check-in. I promise I try to write more often, but my life isn't exciting or glamorous, so there's nothing to write about more often. Trust me, I would if I thought anything was worthy of attention.

Life is good. Emma started school a couple of weeks ago and I think she likes it, every time I ask her about it she doesn't divulge much information, but tonight when it was just her and I grocery shopping she started saying little things is Spanish while we were conversing, it made me smile. I love that girl to pieces and I can't believe how much she is growing up before my eyes. I still don't know where the last 6 years have gone.

Emma's first day of 1st grade. Uniforms are the norm in these parts.

Claire, I don't know what to day about that girl. She is starting to come out of her shell and she is probably the funniest girl in the world. She has a heart of gold and a smile to match it. She is her mommy's best friend and I never want that to change. She hardly eats a thing, some days I find myself wondering how she isn't hungry. On small bite of chicken and one small bit of broccoli and she refuses to eat anything else. It's like that for all three meals (the equivalent of that...). But she loves her fruits and veggies. She's a mystery to us all.

For dessert Emma chooses an ice cream bar while Claire chooses a carrot

And Clarkie, oh that boy has my whole heart. He is the funnest baby in the world, he is growing by leaps and bounds and I want time to freeze. He will be in nursery in 3 short months, while part of me is counting down the weeks praying I make it, the other half isn't sure how I feel about him getting so big so fast. He's the exact opposite of Claire and will eat all day. From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed he is usually sitting by the fridge or pantry begging for food. His favorites are fruit snacks and meat, any kind will do. He's all boy and I love it.

When my mom came to visit we headed for the beach, for Clark it was love and first fist full of sand

Neil and I are still in love with Texas, we wouldn't change it for the world. My mom came down a few weeks ago and stayed with us for a week and it was heaven, but upon her leaving I became more homesick than had been in a long long time. Tears were shed and the reality sunk in all over again, I couldn't get online fast enough to book our flight to Utah for Christmas.

Things are different in Texas than Utah, but one thing that never changes is the gospel, living here has made me even more grateful that I have the gospel in my life. I see the way people live, the way the treat the ones they love, and I think that I could never talk to my loved ones the way they do, they are precious to me, my heavenly Father entrusted then to me, and need to do my best to raise them as he would.

People down here do love God though, and they truly want to help others make it to heaven, Neil has been told by people that they fear we are going to Hell because we are Mormon and don't believe in God, so to help us they invite us to church with them. Neil tries to strike a deal about reading the Book of Mormon or attending church with us, but they don't want to go to Hell with us, so they pass. Neil and I giggle over these stories, if only they knew and understood like we do. There is still so much work to be done, I wish I knew how I could help better, Neil tries a work, I need to start looking for more missionary experiences.

One more for good luck

What's up...or down?

I figured it's time to let the world in on how my little weight loss journey is going. To be honest, I'm happy...er. I've lost a total of 13 pound so far, and really, that's not a whole lot, but to me it feels like a whole lot. I lost 13 pounds by just eating better. No working out or anything of the sort...and then in December, I let the holidays take over and I gained about 4 pounds back. OUCH! I couldn't believe I let myself do that again, but I've lost it yet again. SO, when New Year's rolled around I set my first resolution in probably 8 years. It was a simple one, lose 5 pounds every month until I'm at my goal weight. And to help with the incentive, Neil's work has an amazing deal through Gold's Gym that I just couldn't pass up. A 6 month membership for $50 and if you go at least once a week you will be reimbursed until your membership is free. Ummm...yes, please.

So I have my plan, and it isn't much of a plan. But I still eat better, and everyday I'm learning new things to help me with that. And I go to Gold's Gym (which is literally only 1 mile away from our house) and work out 3 days a week. 3 days a week really isn't a whole lot, but with Neil going to school full time and working full time, and 3 kids it's plenty for right now. When things calm down I will start going more often.

Then came my next battle, what to do at the gym. I loathe running, and I really don't know how to use any of the machines. I'm getting the hang of the machines, I just basically watch what others do and imitate them. What has really helped me with running is an amazing free app called "Get Running". It is a couch to 5k program, it goes slow enough for the out of shape people like myself, but it also pushes me to the point when sometimes I'm not sure if I can keep going. But then I tell myself I can do anything for 30 more seconds (that feel like hell). I've actually really enjoyed going to the gym, it's my "me" time. I get anyway from the kids and clear my mind...it's fun.

Another app that has greatly helped me when trying to eat better is called, "My Fitness Pal". Again, it's free and it helps you keep track of everything your eating throughout the day, letting you know if you've gone over your calorie goal, and how many calories you have left for the day. It also (and this is really nice for people, like myself, that need a visual aide) shows you in graph form how much weight you have lost...it's extremely nice to see that line slowly dipping downward.

But now that I've actually put all this time, effort, and thought into how I'm going to lose this weight...my body and me and stuck in a battle. I haven't lost any weight in over a week. By body's telling me that it like where's it's at...this is where we've been for a while and it's nice. But I'm trying to tell my body that, while this is a lot better than where we were, imagine how much better we would be if we lost ever MORE weight....I think I'll eventually win, but for the time being it's a tad bit discouraging.

Whew...a novel to say the least. I'm chugging along and liking (hopefully loving soon) working out and the results I'm getting from it (even though the scale says I'm not getting any....yet). Life is great. Oh, and did you see the pictures Neil snuck on here a while back? Yeah, either did I, but aren't my kids the cutest things in the while flipping world! They are my world and I love them to death! And a huge shout out and thank you to our fabulous neighbor Christa Cox, from Chrissy Ann Photography for taking such stellar pictures, and on such short notice. That's how I roll. It was a week before Christmas and I couldn't figure out what to get Neil's or my grandparents, so I figured we'd get nice pictures taken and frame them...so Christa did those amazing pictures AND edited them in like 3 days...she rocks. If you need any pictures taken, I would recommend her.

I'm out. Peace.

Really?

It's been over a month since I last posted? How pathetic am I? It's probably because our lives are fairly boring these days. Just filled with school (Emma and Neil), work (Neil), and looking good (all my beauties). I think it's safe to say that fall has officially reared it's head, but that's okay. Fall is my favorite time of the year. I just absolutely LOVE the feeling it brings and the smell of fall.

Can you believe Clark is going to be a whole 5 months old this week?! Not going to lie, it makes me kind of sad. It's a love/hate kind of thing. He's Mr. Rollie Pollie now, loves to laugh and smile, and is getting so big you wouldn't believe.

Claire is still Claire. She is definitely my child that teaches me the most these days. I love that girl to death, but she's Claire...that's really the only word to describe her. But really, she's absolutely beautiful and loves her brother and sister so much. She tells me multiple times a day that she loves me. Just because. I love it. And listening to her talk to her "Clarkie Bean" and comfort him would make a grown man smile.

And Emma...what to say about her...she's growing up into such a beautiful lady. She makes friends everywhere she goes and she has so much love for everyone around her. She loves her brother and sister and is still the best big sister anyone could ask her. She loves school and is so stinking smart. She still loves violin and plays beautifully, she's excited to be playing for our Primary program next Sunday and has invited everyone she knows.

Neil's still,working like a mad man Andy going to school full time. He's a flipping genius and great and everything he tries.

And me, I'm still kicking and enjoying my family. I've lost 6 pounds (more to come later) and finally starting to get the hang of this weight loss thing.

Life is good, it's actually better than good, it's grand.

He loves his fingers, especially his thumb.

My pretty girl's school picture.

The mural Neil did for work. Yep, he's amazing!

Love that boy!

Claire adores Grandma Sue's chickens

Yep, picture overload...and I could have added more.