MIA

We've been MIA from the blogging world for awhile now. Not because we've been anywhere interesting, but because we've been enjoying our summer to it's fullest. We've been having so much fun lately, I can't believe that it's already the end of July!

July started off with the 4th of July. We had a barbecue with a bunch of our neighbors. It was so much fun and all the kids loved the fireworks, that's the best part anyway, watching the kids' reaction to the fireworks. We had so much fun! And so did Emma, Claire was an angel and fell asleep and slept through the majority of it.

Emma and her sparkler. She loved it!

Miss Claire enjoying the outside. Shortly after she had had it and fell fast asleep.

All the kids enjoying the fireworks!

Emma and Jade. Emma is telling her a secret here.

Emma's wonderful outfit. I told her the skirt and shirt doesn't match. She quickly informed me that they do because they're both pink....OK! She stole those shoes from a little boy running around. It was quite the outfit.

The next big event the happened was that my amazingly wonderful Grandma and Grandpa Spanos returned from their third mission. That's right, your heard me, they have served THREE missions. It is so good to have them back from Malaysia, we've missed them dearly. They calculated that while they were gone they missed the birth of two grandchildren and six great grandchildren. Emma is totally in love with her grandma Spanos. I keep telling my mom that she has been replaced. My mom is ok with it as long as it's only Grandma Spanos.

Claire has also started rolling over. She is my rollie pollie. I love it. This morning I heard her screaming and so I went into her room and found her on her stomach, she had rolled over and realized that she didn't like it as much as she thought she would! She's so fun and such a wonderful baby! She has also started on rice cereal and LOVES it! At first I didn't want to start her until she was older because of all of her stomach problems. But I gave in and decided to try it, she's been doing wonderful and I'm so glad. Emma HATED rice cereal, I had to skip that stage completely because of how much she hated it. But Claire, oh Claire just loves it. I still can't believe that she if four months old, it seems like I just brought her home yesterday. At her four month appointment she weighed a whopping 12 lbs. 9 oz.! I can't believe it! Emma didn't weigh that much until she was 6 months old. But I remind myself that Claire is still little. She is such a joy. I just love her!

Claire rolling over and smiling like a madman! How can you not love this face?

Claire in her bumbo, with her fingers in her mouth like usual.

Overall our summer has been wonderful! I love being the mother of these two beauties!

Drowning

Lately I've been struggling with this whole motherhood role I now take on day after day after day. I honestly have felt like I'm drowning and the more I try to keep my head above water, the farther I sink. I get frustrated too easily, I yell too much, I don't let the little things go, etc., etc. This is definitely not the mother I have always wanted to be, and it makes me so sad.

Emma has had ultimate control over me and I haven't known how to control her. How am I supposed to send her to her room when sending her to her room makes everything ten times worse? How am I supposed to tell her not to whine because when I do the whining turns into full fledged screaming and bawling. My life has been consumed with constant noise and frustration. I'm so sick of noise I could just scream! Noise from Emma crying and whining, noise from me yelling at her for making noise, noise from Claire crying (which doesn't happen that much anymore), noise from Neil getting mad at Emma, just noise, noise, NOISE! The thought of going back to school made me sick to my stomach, how could I possibly go back to school and take on that task when the task at home is overwhelming in and of itself?

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stress about anything, I'm a very low stress person, I just roll with the punches. These last few weeks I've had a few spells where I'm doing something and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm forgetting something really important and get the annoying nagging feeling all day long, and then it turns into a headache. It's been miserable, I tell Neil it's the closest I've ever been to any sort of an anxiety attack. I can only imagine what a full blown anxiety attack feels like. My home life has been making every other point of my life excruciating. I'm so lost.

Just when I feel like I'm in the thick of it, I came across this blog. Tears were streaming down my face. This woman is a remarkable woman, someone I want to aspire to. She has been through more than most of us will be asked to go through, and she still is so thankful for everything, even for her trials. I read blogs from the beginning for her blog up to her most recent, her life totally transformed in a matter of minutes. I remember one post, not too long after her crash, where she talks about her youngest who was crying one night and her husband was getting frustrated with him. She decided to pick up her small boy, she was so overjoyed with the fact that she could actually pick him up herself, and she walked him around the house one time, another thing she hadn't been able to do for an extended period of time. She concluded with the fact that she was starting to feel like a mother, at least starting to. This post made me realize how incredibly ungrateful I have been. I've taken for granted the ease it is to pick up my crying child, and the fact that I actually say no so often makes me sick. Here is a woman who is so thrilled to finally feel like a mother again, and then there is me who has been dreading my role as a mother.

Last night while laying down for bed I came to the conclusion that something in my life has to change, and it's me. I need to change my attitude. I decided that this change isn't something that I can do overnight, but that the start of the change had to start today. I made a few goals for the day, just a few small goals which were to say my morning prayers (which I am terrible at), read my scriptures (again, something I'm ashamed to say I'm terrible at), and spend quality one-on-one time with my angel Emma. I'm proud to say that I accomplished every one of those goals today, tomorrow is the same three goals until they become habitual, and then I will add on three more simple goals. But today, oh today, it was so wonderful! I hardly lost my temper with Emma, Emma was better behaved than she has been in a long time, our house seemed, dare I say, calm.

When I knelt down to my Heavenly Father I asked him for help throughout the day, help for me to learn how to let the little things go and help to not get so impatient with Emma. can I just say how much I love my loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing and he loves us all, even me, the screaming, impatient, loony mother. And I love him.

Here's to a better me...

The Blessing

We finally blessed Claire on June 20. It was a wonderful day and Claire looked absolutely beautiful, as usual. We waited so long because we were waiting for my little brother, Case, to become an elder so he could stand in the circle.

I'm so thankful the the wonderful family and friends we have and for everyone that came. It meant a lot to have everyone there. But I will say that I missed my grandma and grandpa Spanos way too much. They are on a mission in Malaysia and will be home in two weeks and one day, according to my ever vigilant mother. Neil did a wonderful job and his blessing was beautiful.

I'm so happy to have Claire in my life. After waiting so long for her and after wanting her so badly it's an amazing feeling to hold her in my arms and know she's all mine. The greatest thing in the world is the opportunity to be a mother. You never really realize how much having children will change your life until you have a child of your own, and it's so life altering that is throws me for loop after loop. You can never imagine how much love one person could have until your children come into this world. Love isn't a good enough word for how you feel, actually there's no word in the English dictionary that can describe the feeling a mother has for her children. I don't just love my girls, I adore them, I look up to them, I worry for them, I'm marveled by them, their pain is my pain. I love my girly girls.

Her dress was absolutely beautiful.

Oh, and FYI Utah stores that sell blessing dresses...this isn't 1980, please update your styles and get some decent dresses. I got this dress online and am so grateful I did.

Second Child Syndrome

I swear that the second child gets the short end of the stick, I feel bad for children beyond this point. Little Miss Claire doesn't get as much undivided attention as Emma got when she was a baby, that's for sure. But she sure is wonderful by letting me do everything I need to do throughout the day, which mostly consists of chasing Emma around and cleaning the house. Claire's getting to the really fun part of infancy, she loves just staring at toys, of course she doesn't grab them and play with them, but she will lay there and just stare at toys while giggling and talking to them, it's so cute and so wonderful all at the same time.

She sure does love her big sister though. Whenever she hears Emma's voice she stops whatever she's doing and searches for Emma. Emma of course loves this and will lay by Claire and tell her the most wonderful stories, they are the best of friends. Claire sure is lucky to have a sister as wonderful as Emma.

I still can't believe that Claire Bear is three months old! She's way too old! I look at her baby baby pictures and can't believe that she's changed so much in such a short amount of time. Every

time I pick Claire up I swear she has gained weight, she's becoming more and more solid and her head is becoming less and less wobbly. I love my smiley Claire B.

That face gets me every time.

And then it turns into this face....Ahhhh...heaven.

And stretch!

The typical sister picture. Emma always has to get in on the pictures.

Fours years down, an eternity to go

Neil and I celebrated our four year anniversary on June 2. I know I say this every year, but I can't believe that it's been four years already. I love Neil more and more every day. We've been through so much together. The birth of two wonderful girls, the death of my wonderfully amazing great grandma, the death of Neil's favorite grandma, buying our first home together, four years of college, buying two cars, moving three times, figuring out each other's likes and dislikes, and so much more. You would think that after four years of marriage that I would know everything there is to know about Neil by know, but the truth is that I'm still learning new things each and every day. There's so much to learn about one person.

For our anniversary we actually didn't do anything at all, there's just been way too much going on, but I really didn't matter. Neil got me a Nook for our anniversary and for my birthday, and I got him some stuff for grilling, he was thrilled about it. I love you Neil Dawg and I can't wait to spend eternity with you. Pepper.

Summer Lovin' Had Me a Blast

Summer has finally decided to rear its lovely head and we are all enjoying every minute of it that we can. The first thing Emma says when she wakes up is, "Can I go outside, please?" I unfortunately have to inform her that we have to get ready and eat breakfast first. I'm sure it's the longest 2 hours of her life, but she's a survivor.

We live in the best little neighborhood. All around us are kids that are Emma's age, it's perfect, there are two boys and two girls and they are all the best of friends. There are also tons of other neighborhood kids so whenever we go outside we are sure to have at least one playmate for Emma Love. The newest friend is McCoy, and he is totally in love with Emma and Emma is totally in love with him, they will play and play and play until the practically fall over from exhaustion. Emma's best friend is Jade and they are so cute together. They will sit there and play for hours without fighting, and for two three year olds, that is a miracle. It was so funny, Jade got a new outfit and was wearing it outside, well the next day we were at Target and Emma saw the outfit Jade was wearing and just HAD to have it. I tried to get her to get a different colored of shirt, but she wouldn't have it. It had to be exactly like Jade's! Now when one of them sees the other one wearing the blessed outfit, they are sure to run inside and change so they match, it cracks us up. It's so fun to play outside. It's good cheap fun for Emma and it is sure to wear her out.

Emma and Jade in their matching outfits.

Emma and Jade outside eating lunch. I'm not sure what Emma is doing here...

Emma and Jade playing Barbies. Yes we take them outside so the kids stay out there.

One of the neighbors had their pool out so Emma was getting ready to go swimming. Claire wanted to join so I snapped a picture of the two most beautiful girls in the swimsuits. Unfortunately, the water was too cold for Miss Claire.

Emma on her bike. She LOVES to ride her bike all around.

I really need to get a picture of Emma and McCoy. We will for sure get one though because those two are inseparable. We always joke that Emma and McCoy just have to get married, even if we have to arrange it.

Time Goes By Way Too Fast...

I still can't believe that little Miss Claire will be three months old in a couple of weeks. She is such a precious angel and I can't stop staring at her. It's terrible, when she's sleeping I just want to hold her all day long and kiss her to death, but I restrain myself from doing such.

Claire was the very difficult baby the first couple of months of her life. But after putting her on Prevacid and changing her formula she is a totally different baby and I actually don't dread waking up in the mornings, I know that may sound terrible, but until you lived it....But seriously she is so wonderful and Emma loves her to death. This little girl won't have any shortage of kisses in her life. At her two month check-up Claire weighed 9 lbs. 11 oz. I laugh because even though that is still small, it's big to me because little Emma wasn't that big for a very long time. I love my girly girls.

Neil and I are also doing just great. Neil got a promotion at work and we are so excited. He will actually be home at nights and on the weekends. He will be working normal hours, it already feels wonderful. Me, well, I'm just getting along with now having two kids to chase around. My grandma is back and so I've been watching her three days a week, and that keeps me busier than ever. And because I know posts aren't fun without pictures...

Our life before Prevacid...

The picture we put in her birth announcements. Isn't she just perfect?

Emma in her Easter dress ready for church.

The first official smile captured on camera.

I love how chunky she looks in this picture. And it shows how much of a slobberer she is.

I just love the look on her face in this one. It cracks me up every time.