Neil's Rantings

Today we went to the andrology lab at the U for a 4th attempt of IUI (intrauterine insemination). I really hope it works this time, because the next options cost quite a bit more. Regardless, we will do what it takes to get pregnant.

This is not my first rodeo. Today was the eighth time I have provided a sample of semen for some lab to clean and prepare for insemination. It remains to be one of the most awkward feelings I have ever felt, that is, walking out of "the room" where I had just "provided" a sample. Everyone knows what I just did! I can feel their stinging eyes on me as I walk into the waiting room to sit back down with Ali. The other thing I hate thinking about, is seeing the comfortable looking couch in this little room that seems to be saying to me, "Guess how many guys I've been with?". Let's just say I cover the whole area with towels before I do anything. Even worse, was The Dr. we saw when we were trying for Claire, had pictures of Christ hung on the walls right before you walk in to the collection room. That was wonderful! All in all, my part of the IUI is awkward, unlike Ali's fun time she get's to have once they clean and prepare the sample! Let's just say, I'm not jealous.

I never thought that it would be hard to have children. I remember growing up and hearing in the media how you're not supposed to have unprotected sex, because you will get pregnant! I only wished it was that easy! I especially hate shows like "16 and Pregnant", because that's a kick in the face to Ali and I. Some stupid little kids that don't even know what love is and don't even want a baby, are so easily blessed with one? Where is the justice in that? I hate it! The funny thing is though, Ali is obsessed with that show. I don't know how she can watch it.

I guess the one positive thing for couples struggling with infertility is they have no need for contraceptions of any sorts. Saves money, saves time, and makes things easier.

If it does work this time, I hope it's a boy. I have two beautiful and rambunctious girls. A boy would help with our current ratio. So many hormones already..

Well, this is all I have to say for now. Until next time...

-Neil

FYI:

I know, I know

So it's been a while...only like, what, a year? Get over it.

Life has been so crazy, I can't even believe it. Claire is walking and talking like a madman, Emma starts preschool in a couple weeks, Neil is still working like a madman, and I'll FINALLY be done with school in December! Needless to say, we're crazy busy. Oh and did I mention that I may or may not go on to graduate school, yep, my dreams and aspirations have changed yet again. Instead of becoming a Social Worker, I may go into Nursing. Ah....the decisions of life.

This summer has been a blast! We've played outside everyday and it's been so nice, it's kind of hard to see it go, but I'm not going to lie, it will be nice to have Emma gone a few hours a week so Claire and I can have fun, that is if I'm not working (internship) instead.

As the summer comes to an end it leaves me in deep thought and contemplation. Tomorrow Neil and I head up to Salt Lake for our 4th round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Yes, we're crazy and are trying for another hellion to join our clan. Four rounds of this shiz, yo! It's not fun in the least bit. We first met with our Dr. in April, did one month with just Clomid to make sure it made me ovulate, and then we paired IUI up with that. Have I mentioned before that the insemination costs 335-345 doll hairs and insurance doesn't cover one penny of that, add on top of that the Clomid, Prometrium (progesterone I have to take), and other odds and ends, we spend well over $400 a month on this.

Yesterday Neil and I met again with our doctor to discuss our options since Clomid clearly isn't covering it. It's weird, the same feelings, emotions, and thoughts that I had when we were first trying for Claire came over me all over again. I already suspected what he was going to say, but you always hope for better news, I always assume the worst, that way I'm never disappointed. He confirmed, and even went beyond my biggest "fears", for lack of a better word. He told me that this next cycle he wanted me to come in for a SIS (Saline Infused Sonogram) around day 12 to see if I had any follicles ready to be released and then do the HCG trigger shot to ensure the follicles are released. He told me that one month of that would be all I needed to do and if that doesn't work I then have two options to chose from (this is where my fears are realized).

Option 1) fertility injections coupled with IUI. That statistics he gave us are A) this is the most uncontrolled thing they do, his analogy was it's like getting in a car that has no breaks. B) the success rate of pregnancy it 12-15% C) The risk of multiples is 25-45% (yes, that is how Kate got her plus 8) D) the cost will be $1200-1500 a cycle....fun right? Not so much.

Option 2) IVF...enough said there. Statistics A) 60% successful pregnancy rate for my age group B) 50% twin to start, 35% obtained C) cost...$10,000-12,000.

I honestly think my heart stopped, seriously. I about broke down into tears right then and there, but then I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. I told him what day of my cycle I was on and what I should do, if I should just do what I have been doing previous months or take and break or what. Apparently it was perfect timing, we did the SIS right there and found two very big follicles. I took the HCG shot last night and tomorrow we head up to see if this month is our lucky month. Because honestly if it doesn't work this month we are totally out of options. How could we possible afford either of those options, what we're doing now is taking a toll on our pocket book. The pain I feel everyday is real and tangible, to me. Having a baby consumes my thoughts day and night. To come to terms with the fact that because you don't have enough money, you then can't have more children, the children you yearn for, the children you know are waiting to come be a part of your family. It's something I would never wish on my worst enemy.

Wow, that was random! But I needed to get it off my chest and out of my head. I'm going to do better at updating and whatnot...hopefully. I can't promise anything. Peace out.

1 & 4 yr old pictures!

Here is the link to the pics:

www.neilrthomas.photoshop.com

UPDATE! WHAT WHAT?!?

So it has been a while......

She laughs...

How could you not love her?

FYI I had just finished feeding her. Don't mind the out of season bib, it was Emma's and really, who cares? It's sole purpose is to keep food off her clothes, not to be stylish.

MIA

We've been MIA from the blogging world for awhile now. Not because we've been anywhere interesting, but because we've been enjoying our summer to it's fullest. We've been having so much fun lately, I can't believe that it's already the end of July!

July started off with the 4th of July. We had a barbecue with a bunch of our neighbors. It was so much fun and all the kids loved the fireworks, that's the best part anyway, watching the kids' reaction to the fireworks. We had so much fun! And so did Emma, Claire was an angel and fell asleep and slept through the majority of it.

Emma and her sparkler. She loved it!

Miss Claire enjoying the outside. Shortly after she had had it and fell fast asleep.

All the kids enjoying the fireworks!

Emma and Jade. Emma is telling her a secret here.

Emma's wonderful outfit. I told her the skirt and shirt doesn't match. She quickly informed me that they do because they're both pink....OK! She stole those shoes from a little boy running around. It was quite the outfit.

The next big event the happened was that my amazingly wonderful Grandma and Grandpa Spanos returned from their third mission. That's right, your heard me, they have served THREE missions. It is so good to have them back from Malaysia, we've missed them dearly. They calculated that while they were gone they missed the birth of two grandchildren and six great grandchildren. Emma is totally in love with her grandma Spanos. I keep telling my mom that she has been replaced. My mom is ok with it as long as it's only Grandma Spanos.

Claire has also started rolling over. She is my rollie pollie. I love it. This morning I heard her screaming and so I went into her room and found her on her stomach, she had rolled over and realized that she didn't like it as much as she thought she would! She's so fun and such a wonderful baby! She has also started on rice cereal and LOVES it! At first I didn't want to start her until she was older because of all of her stomach problems. But I gave in and decided to try it, she's been doing wonderful and I'm so glad. Emma HATED rice cereal, I had to skip that stage completely because of how much she hated it. But Claire, oh Claire just loves it. I still can't believe that she if four months old, it seems like I just brought her home yesterday. At her four month appointment she weighed a whopping 12 lbs. 9 oz.! I can't believe it! Emma didn't weigh that much until she was 6 months old. But I remind myself that Claire is still little. She is such a joy. I just love her!

Claire rolling over and smiling like a madman! How can you not love this face?

Claire in her bumbo, with her fingers in her mouth like usual.

Overall our summer has been wonderful! I love being the mother of these two beauties!

Drowning

Lately I've been struggling with this whole motherhood role I now take on day after day after day. I honestly have felt like I'm drowning and the more I try to keep my head above water, the farther I sink. I get frustrated too easily, I yell too much, I don't let the little things go, etc., etc. This is definitely not the mother I have always wanted to be, and it makes me so sad.

Emma has had ultimate control over me and I haven't known how to control her. How am I supposed to send her to her room when sending her to her room makes everything ten times worse? How am I supposed to tell her not to whine because when I do the whining turns into full fledged screaming and bawling. My life has been consumed with constant noise and frustration. I'm so sick of noise I could just scream! Noise from Emma crying and whining, noise from me yelling at her for making noise, noise from Claire crying (which doesn't happen that much anymore), noise from Neil getting mad at Emma, just noise, noise, NOISE! The thought of going back to school made me sick to my stomach, how could I possibly go back to school and take on that task when the task at home is overwhelming in and of itself?

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stress about anything, I'm a very low stress person, I just roll with the punches. These last few weeks I've had a few spells where I'm doing something and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm forgetting something really important and get the annoying nagging feeling all day long, and then it turns into a headache. It's been miserable, I tell Neil it's the closest I've ever been to any sort of an anxiety attack. I can only imagine what a full blown anxiety attack feels like. My home life has been making every other point of my life excruciating. I'm so lost.

Just when I feel like I'm in the thick of it, I came across this blog. Tears were streaming down my face. This woman is a remarkable woman, someone I want to aspire to. She has been through more than most of us will be asked to go through, and she still is so thankful for everything, even for her trials. I read blogs from the beginning for her blog up to her most recent, her life totally transformed in a matter of minutes. I remember one post, not too long after her crash, where she talks about her youngest who was crying one night and her husband was getting frustrated with him. She decided to pick up her small boy, she was so overjoyed with the fact that she could actually pick him up herself, and she walked him around the house one time, another thing she hadn't been able to do for an extended period of time. She concluded with the fact that she was starting to feel like a mother, at least starting to. This post made me realize how incredibly ungrateful I have been. I've taken for granted the ease it is to pick up my crying child, and the fact that I actually say no so often makes me sick. Here is a woman who is so thrilled to finally feel like a mother again, and then there is me who has been dreading my role as a mother.

Last night while laying down for bed I came to the conclusion that something in my life has to change, and it's me. I need to change my attitude. I decided that this change isn't something that I can do overnight, but that the start of the change had to start today. I made a few goals for the day, just a few small goals which were to say my morning prayers (which I am terrible at), read my scriptures (again, something I'm ashamed to say I'm terrible at), and spend quality one-on-one time with my angel Emma. I'm proud to say that I accomplished every one of those goals today, tomorrow is the same three goals until they become habitual, and then I will add on three more simple goals. But today, oh today, it was so wonderful! I hardly lost my temper with Emma, Emma was better behaved than she has been in a long time, our house seemed, dare I say, calm.

When I knelt down to my Heavenly Father I asked him for help throughout the day, help for me to learn how to let the little things go and help to not get so impatient with Emma. can I just say how much I love my loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing and he loves us all, even me, the screaming, impatient, loony mother. And I love him.

Here's to a better me...