The most difficult test to take

I took the dreaded test again a few days ago, you know that test. It seems simple enough, pee on it and wait. That's it. But for me (and so many others I know), it's the hardest test to take. But I geared up for it, expecting to get the answer I usually get, one line, no baby, try again...but this time I got 2 very vivid clear lines. I was shocked, I grabbed the user guide out of the box to make sure I read it right (cause I guess I haven't taken enough to know?), and sure enough I read it right. I'm pregnant. It seems so surreal to say that.

The path to pregnancy this time around has been extremely spiritual, and all I can say is Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. There was no need for a fertility specialist. It's almost too good to be true. We are head over heals excited.

It all started back in November. Neil and I were at the temple, in the Celestial Room no doubt and he turns to me and says, "I think we need to start trying for another baby." Smooth move Neil, smooth move. How can you say no to that? Actually a baby was the furthest thing from my mind then. I was happy where we were and wasn't ready for baby number 4. I compromised and told him I'd go off birth control, but that's all I was willing to do. That was all he was asking for.

In December, off birth control, my period came! What the what? My body isn't normal...maybe it was just a fluke...but in January the same thing happened. I was baffled. I talked to Neil and we decided that this was probably the Lord's was of telling us(me) it's time to get going. So in February my period came again. Okay, so I'm not pregnant, but my period is regular, give or take a few days. Now I was scared, scared of getting my hopes up and ending up back where we always do, with the fertility specialist, going through our options, in our own personal Hell. So I prayed. I prayed that if we were supposed to get pregnant that it would happen without any help, I begged. I confided in Heavenly Father that it wasn't a baby I was scared of, it was going to the fertility specialist, if he would only take that out of the equation. Afterwards, I just kind of knew that this time I would get pregnant without help, I didn't know if it was me getting my hopes up, but I liked to think it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.

When my period was late in March, I didn't give it much thought. they can be off a few days or my body's going back to it's "normal" thing. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I let a few days go by before I was at Walmart picking up some things and casually decided to grab a pregnancy test, I just wanted to know for sure that my body was going back to it's normal routine. I forgot all about the test until later and decided why not, I had to pee anyway. I took it and then saw those blessed two lines!

It may have happened sooner than Neil and I had originally planned, but we are so, so, so excited! It's going to be the longest 9 months of Emma's life! She can't stop talking about the baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl, what we're going to name it, and everything else in between.

My Claire Bear

My sweet, sweet Claire. She goes 0 to 60 in .5 seconds flat. I love her so much, but at the same time she is my most challenging child. I can already imagine what the teenage years entail and I'm scared.

I can already tell too, though, that she will tend be more of an "outcast" per say. She's just content to be by herself for the most part. Even so, she wants friends so badly. She loves playing with little girls and is coming out of her little box more and more all the time.

Which is why it makes me so sad when these girls that she tries so hard to be friends with tell her things such as, "You're not my friend," "You can't play with us," or,"You can't come in the house ha ha ha ha ha ha." I try my hardest to stay out of it, because honestly I don't think Claire really gets everything they are saying to her.

But I do, and for goodness sake they are only 3, when did this start to happen so young?! It wouldn't break my heart if it only happened occasionally, but it happens more often than not. All Claire wants is a friend.

Maybe it cuts so deep because that was me as a child. All I wanted was a friend, but the neighbor girls (one of which was my cousin), treated me so badly and berated me to no end, and yet, I still hung around them and put up with it. And eventually I started believing everything they told me. I believed I was ugly, stupid, and that nobody wanted to be my friend. I don't want my Claire to feel as badly as I did throughout childhood. She deserves more than that.

Now, I know more than anyone that Claire can be difficult to reason with and play with, and as a child this can be an absolute deal breaker at times, but to taunt is crossing the line, in my opinion.

Oh, my Claire. I never thought I could hurt so much for another person. One of the many joys of being a mom.