The most difficult test to take

I took the dreaded test again a few days ago, you know that test. It seems simple enough, pee on it and wait. That's it. But for me (and so many others I know), it's the hardest test to take. But I geared up for it, expecting to get the answer I usually get, one line, no baby, try again...but this time I got 2 very vivid clear lines. I was shocked, I grabbed the user guide out of the box to make sure I read it right (cause I guess I haven't taken enough to know?), and sure enough I read it right. I'm pregnant. It seems so surreal to say that.

The path to pregnancy this time around has been extremely spiritual, and all I can say is Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. There was no need for a fertility specialist. It's almost too good to be true. We are head over heals excited.

It all started back in November. Neil and I were at the temple, in the Celestial Room no doubt and he turns to me and says, "I think we need to start trying for another baby." Smooth move Neil, smooth move. How can you say no to that? Actually a baby was the furthest thing from my mind then. I was happy where we were and wasn't ready for baby number 4. I compromised and told him I'd go off birth control, but that's all I was willing to do. That was all he was asking for.

In December, off birth control, my period came! What the what? My body isn't normal...maybe it was just a fluke...but in January the same thing happened. I was baffled. I talked to Neil and we decided that this was probably the Lord's was of telling us(me) it's time to get going. So in February my period came again. Okay, so I'm not pregnant, but my period is regular, give or take a few days. Now I was scared, scared of getting my hopes up and ending up back where we always do, with the fertility specialist, going through our options, in our own personal Hell. So I prayed. I prayed that if we were supposed to get pregnant that it would happen without any help, I begged. I confided in Heavenly Father that it wasn't a baby I was scared of, it was going to the fertility specialist, if he would only take that out of the equation. Afterwards, I just kind of knew that this time I would get pregnant without help, I didn't know if it was me getting my hopes up, but I liked to think it was Heavenly Father reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.

When my period was late in March, I didn't give it much thought. they can be off a few days or my body's going back to it's "normal" thing. I didn't "feel" pregnant. I let a few days go by before I was at Walmart picking up some things and casually decided to grab a pregnancy test, I just wanted to know for sure that my body was going back to it's normal routine. I forgot all about the test until later and decided why not, I had to pee anyway. I took it and then saw those blessed two lines!

It may have happened sooner than Neil and I had originally planned, but we are so, so, so excited! It's going to be the longest 9 months of Emma's life! She can't stop talking about the baby and wondering if it's a boy or girl, what we're going to name it, and everything else in between.

Le Weight...

Yep, I'm finally doing it. I'm confessing to the world that I know I need to lose the lbs. I am constantly asking myself, "How did I get here?" It's like if I could find the answer to that question I could solve world hunger. The answer is actually quite simple....I like to eat and not work-out...dum dum dum....

I look at the pictures of myself in high school and college (pretty much anything before I started having babies) and I think that I look damn good...but back then I thought I was fat. Poor, poor messed up little girl. I never had to work-out or eat right to stay at a healthy weight in those days, should I still have done that? Absolutely, but I had the mentality of a teenager (go figure).

Fast forward now about six years. After six years, fertility treatments, and three beautiful children later, I've finally hit my breaking point. The other day I looked in the mirror at myself (something I try to avoid at all costs) and I was absolutely disgusted with how I looked. That may sound harsh to some, but it was the wake-up call I needed. What have I done to myself?! Good lovin'!

At my six week postpartum check my doctor asked me about birth control. After Claire I never went on birth control because I honestly didn't see the point, and I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't needed. But when we started trying for Clark, my fertility doctor informed me that birth control can help with the side effects of PCOS, such as helping take off the weight and helping the the extra hair (yep, it's true) that we women with PCOS sometimes have. So, with that I talked to my doctor about it. He said I couldn't do Mirena because I need estrogen to help with those, so the pill it was. But then he said because I'm nursing I can't take any birth control with estrogen because it messes with your milk supply....GREAT! So I'm birth control free until I'm finished nursing again.

But now comes the hard part...figuring out how to reverse not just my eating habits, but my total way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, I totally love fruits and veggies, but I totally love my chocolate as well. I've looked online for tips and tricks, but then I have to remind myself that I'm nursing and I still need to take in extra calories for Clarkie Bean (but not as much as I have been). It's been hard to be nursing and wanting to lose weight at the same time. I am constantly hungry, I kid you not. It's really frustrating, I wasn't even this bad while pregnant. But now that I'm nursing all I want to do is eat! It's an insatiable need I have and it feels as if I can't control myself, but the reality is I can.

I've decided that I need to make slow, subtle changes until I'm finally where I want to be. First things first, I need to eat better. Plain and simple. And I'm trying, I make mistakes and slip up some days, but I'm getting better. Second thing, I need to move more. I saw on a Facebook friend's page that all she did to lose an incredible amount of weight (seriously she looks amazing!) was eat less and move more. What an ingenious idea! I know it seems simple, but hearing it again really stuck with me. So That's what I'm doing world, eating less and moving more. I'm starting really slowly, because I know if I go too fast I'll fizzle out just as fast. It took six years to get at this weight, I'm not expecting my weight to magically change over night.

You want to know my starting weight, what I weight now? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Really. Neil doesn't even know how much this big mamma jamba weighs, that's how ashamed I am. But let's just say I want to lose about 40 pounds. Let's start this weight loss journey together. One small step at a time.