The Good, the Wonderful, and the Sick

Trying to think of where to begin this post is overwhelming, where to begin? Neil and my hearts' are extremely full, we couldn't be more grateful to our Heavenly Father and the blessing he has given us, the trust he has in us. We're overjoyed and feel extremely blessed to say that we are finally expecting baby number three. I am barely, barely along, but Neil had to tell everyone yesterday, when we found out on his birthday, so if we're going to post it all over Facebook, let's do it all over blogger as well, right? Why not.

It's funny, we really weren't expecting me to be pregnant at all (I mean, of course that would be nice, but we didn't think I was at all). I had been taking Provera to induce my period so we could start on the next treatment, my doctor had informed me that it slightly increases your chance of pregnancy, but I didn't think much of it and didn't even tell Neil about that part because I didn't want to make it a huge deal.

I knew it could take up to two weeks after taking Provera for your period to come, but usually I start pretty quickly after taking medicine like this, even though I have never taken Provera before. So yesterday morning after I woke up, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to get rid of those pesky "what ifs". Like I said, I knew for a fact I wasn't pregnant, Neil was out eating breakfast with his dad and twin brother for their birthday and we had an extra test that would just go to waste if I didn't use it. So I took it, set it on the counter and washed my hands. I look over, fully expecting the test to not be ready to read yet or for it to say, "not pregnant". Instead I see the word pregnant, I had to take a double take, then I thought for sure there was a glare and I couldn't see the "not", so I pick up the test and stare at it thinking to myself, "there's not a not there! THERE'S NOT A NOT THERE!"

I immediately start shaking and call Neil, remember he had no idea about any of this. When he answered I started crying and told him I have the best birthday present ever for him, he was really confused and asked what it was. That's when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't believe me at first, even though he knew I would never, ever joke about something like that. I took a picture and sent it to him, just so he knew I wasn't lying and that I know how to read.

We are so excited and can't wait for this new little one to join us. We joke about how we've spent thousands of dollars to go through all these procedures, doctor visits, etc. and all it took was a $4 pill and for us to do it the old fashioned way. I think from now on we'll start there. Oh, I'm not sick...yet. But I know it's coming. I can't ever escape a pregnancy without getting sick...

We want to thank everyone for their love, support and prayers. We've felt them all and we feel so grateful to have so many loving people surrounding us. Thank you everyone, we love you.

My Story

I've decided that my infertility story is quite different than most. I've been searching the web-o-sphere, just trying to find some kind of connection with others that are dealing with what I'm dealing with. And while I can find women with heart-breaking stories, that I can connected with and understand, I also find a....void...disconnect...something with these wonderful women, mainly because they are, unfortunately, trying for their first precious baby. I have yet to meet someone who has the same infertility journey as I, so I've decided to let you all in on my unconventional story, mainly for sake that maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and be right here with me and not feel so alone.

Neil and I were married on June 2, 2006. Neil was 20 and I was 18, you heard me right, 18. On July 4, 2006, exactly one month and two days after we were wed, we found out we were expecting out first child. I was flabbergast. This was not how my life was supposed to go, but none-the-less we were excited to bring our baby girl into the world due March 16, 2007. But she surprised us and came 3 weeks early and extremely sick. She was life-flighted and stayed in the NICU for a week before coming home. I almost lost my baby and I was terrified.

When Emma was around 4 or 5 months old I started to get the feeling that it was time to try for another baby. A thought that scared the poop right out of me. Hello, do you not see how easy it was for number one to come. But I finally gave in when Emma was around 7 or 8 months old. We decided to just take it slow and see what happened. After about six months with no luck Neil and I started to get suspicious. We knew all along that my cycles were extremely irregular, I actually hadn't had one since Emma was born, but we trudged along hoping and praying that in due time we'd have another baby.

After a year of trying and no luck of becoming pregnant I went to my regular doctor to see what could be the cause. He pretty much referred me to a RE because he didn't feel comfortable doing too much. In November of 2008 Neil and I went to our first appointment with our (my) RE. He put me on Clomid for 3 months and said if that didn't work to come back.

Well, it didn't work. I went back and he told me I need to do an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if my tubes were blocked or if during any of my surgeries prior to becoming pregnant with Emma (C-section and gall bladder removal) may have caused scarring and made it difficult for the egg to implant. But that came back normal so he put me on a drug called Femara and we coupled that with IUI.

Month one, no luck. Tears in this household were plentiful. I was done, I wanted to get off the roller-coaster now, it was no longer fun. We had been doing this for almost two years and still no glimmer of a baby. Neil and I made the difficult decision that after two years we'd look into adoption...I had four months to go...

Month two of Femara and IUI...baby here we come! We got the news we'd been waiting for, Emma was going to be a big sister...and she was on March 11, 2010. We couldn't have been happier.

When Claire turned one Neil and I decided it was time to start on the path of trying for baby number three. We knew it could happen really fast, or take some time. We thought for sure we were ready to tackle this again. We'd been through this once, we knew what to expect, bring it on!

It's now been 6, going on 7, months, which don't get me wrong, really isn't a long time, especially in the infertility world. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't ready for it to be even MORE difficult than it was with Claire. I was expecting, "Here's your Femara, call when you're ready to be inseminated. Have a nice day." But it hasn't been like that at all. My emotions are completely drained. I've been hit with more roadblocks than I'd like to admit. I just want a baby, is that too much to ask for. It's a righteous desire. But I know that one day, hopefully not too far from now, I will have that precious baby (or two, I wouldn't mind getting two out of the way) and I'll be in pure bliss...until that irritating itch sets in again and it will be time to get in line for another ride of the ever so evolving roller-coaster.

You can see how my story is a little different than most. A woman was able to get pregnant without even trying, hell she was only married for a month, but then she can't have another, crazy! I hope all women that were able to get pregnant with one, two, even three, without needing help, but now want more and can't know that I don't know what you're going through, because we all experience this infertility journey differently, but I feel for you. I know the pain and loneliness from both the fertile world and the infertile world. It'a as if we're in limbo and it seems as if nobody understands what we're going through. But I also want you to know that I'm here. This needs to be talked about. Others need to know we're not just crazy baby hungry women that can't get pregnant as fast as the first time so we're automatically assuming we're infertile...we were just blessed to have an absolute miracle baby (or babies) and we have the desire to increase our family. We're dealing with infertility just like the rest of the infertile world, we put on the fake smiles (which we've mastered by now) and we pretend like we welcome all the unwanted advice. But inside we're aching, there's such a gaping hole in our hearts that nothing, no matter how hard we try, can fill. We see our children growing, getting older, and as much as we love watching them grow and develop, we miss the spirit a baby brings into the home, it's a daily reminder of the fact we already know, we need more children and we can't.

A Little Update

Remember my last post? The one about how much pain I was in...well here's what's going on now...

After the fun times I had on Monday, Tuesday came and I went to my internship...afterwards I was in so much pain I couldn't see myself going to school so I came home, took a Lortab, fell asleep and Neily Poo left for Logan. Tuesday was not a good night in the least bit. Lots of crying and begging for the pain to go away (yes even on Lortab the pain was unbearable). Wednesday morning I just had a feeling that I needed to go to the dentist one more time, I can't explain why because there was nothing there two days ago, but I went in and guess what? Yep...I needed a root canal. My dentist worked his magic and got that taken care of and I went back to my parents' (there's no way I was going to take care of my children on my own). After the numbness wore off...the pain began again. Seriously people, I have a high pain tolerance, I'm not a baby, and I would just lay there and cry.

I woke up this morning with some pain (what do you expect, I hadn't had a Lortab in like, what, 6 hours) but was able to get up and get ready for the day. It's now 6 pm and I haven't had a Lortab since 11:30...this is truly a miracle! Don't get me wrong, there is still some pain in my jaw, which is weird because the pain isn't located anywhere near where the root canal was, but it's so much better. We're all hoping and praying this answers everything.

I want to thank everybody for their prayers and support, I feel like such a baby now, but it was much appreciated. Can I tell you guys how much I love my dentist? He's seriously the best dentist this world has ever seen. He goes out of his way for me, I mean he literally fit my in to his crazy schedule two days in one week, he could have simply said he couldn't do it. He honestly cares about his patients and wants to help them in every way he can, and his staff is absolutely amazing, don't even get me started on them. I HATE going to the dentist, but knowing that I'll have my dentist and his assistant working on me calms the dread. Sorry, tangent, but it's true...I drive an hour out of my way just for my dentist...and my doctor...I have trust issues and I know I can trust these two.

Seriously, thank you everyone, it really meant the world to me that there are so many wonderful and caring people in my life. Things are finally starting to look up, and just in the nick of time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Filling You In

I've been MIA for the past few days, while the majority of the reason why I've been slacking is simply because I just didn't have anything interesting to say or I didn't feel up to it, something finally has happened...something that has me reeling yet again.

Last Saturday I started having intense pain on the right side of my face. It would come and go as it pleased but when it came...oh...it was terrible. I took Advil and Excedrin to see if that would help with the pain, and it didn't even touch it. Yesterday (Monday) morning I called my dentist to see if he could fit me in, because I thought it was a tooth or something along those lines because it was mainly hurting around my jaw. They got me in and and examined EVERYTHING, x-rays, trying to make my teeth react to stimuli, everything, and nothing happened. He came to the conclusion that it isn't my teeth. He informed me that he thinks it may be Trigeminal Neuralgia. He wasn't sure, but he wrote me a prescription for some anti-seizure meds, told me to talk with my mom about what I wanted to do, and sent me on my way. I called my mom and she talked to my doctor (she was at work with him) and I went to see him yesterday. He told me that he thinks it may be either 1) an inflamed facial nerve or 2) Trigeminal Neuralgia...we're hoping for the inflamed facial nerve. And the prescription that my dentist wrote for me, while being the most commonly prescribed medicine for TN that works the best, can't be taken if trying to become pregnant or while pregnant. Great. My doctor wrote me a prescription for steroids, if it is just an inflamed facial nerve, and if that doesn't work he gave me a prescription for Lyrica, medicine that might work and is better for you if you are trying or are pregnant....then he hit my with another curve ball...if I'm taking fertility meds it will most likely interact adversely with Lyrica, I have to talk to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). GREAT.

If it is TN, it will affect me for the rest of my life. It may lay dormant for months, even years, then one morning BAM! it's back with a vengeance. There's no known cause or cure, it usually affects people in their 40-50s, but as you can see, it can affect those that are much younger. My life has yet again been knocked out from under my feet. I'm now on Lortab for the pain, but it's not taking it all away...oh and Neil is out of town until Thursday...oh my life...

Not What I was Expecting

I had my appointment this morning to have an ultrasound and get started on taking the injectable medicine. I'm laying there and the first this the doctor says is, "Well, there's a hemorrhagic cyst right there." He measured everything, then came back to the cyst...it's the size of a kiwi. He told me that this month I'm going to have to rest, doing injections with a cyst is too dangerous...not what I was expecting...

If I don't start my period in three weeks then he will put me on Provera, do another ultrasound, and go from there. Neil wasn't with me this appointment, the first time he hasn't been with me and it was probably the time I needed him the most, but again, we weren't expecting the appointment to go as it did. As I was getting dressed, I kept telling myself not to cry until I got in the car, I could wait that long, and I did....barely.

It's one roadblock after another, after another. I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself that it will happen in due time. But this is getting to be too much. How much more can I take til I break? Sometimes I think that just stopping would be best, but when I really think about it it breaks my heart. I can't give up, not now, I can do this.

Here's to next month...

A Big Fat No

That's what the pregnancy test told me when I nicely asked it if I was indeed pregnant. Nada. It's weird because this month I was okay with it...somewhat. I had a feeling before we even started that this month wasn't the month for me. I think that was one of Heavenly Father's tender mercies for me in my time of need, you know, to let me know and have time to accept the fact that I'm not pregnant before the dreaded negative comes. I didn't even cry when I found out, I almost did a few times, but I didn't. I was proud of myself. I've honestly had many feelings about this process, most of which are too personal to share, but I've known that this process is going to take longer than I want it to take, and other little intuitions. I'm thankful for those, they let me know that my loving Heavenly Father is still guiding me through this. He's still listening to my pleas, and that he still loves me.

Now Neil and I have had multiple talks about where to go if this did happen, what our choices are and what we want to do next. We've researched everything IVF entails and have decided that, at least for right now, that's not the best option for us. With me in school and juggling everything else we're juggling, I honestly don't think we could do it and stay sain. So, with that being said, we're going to do the injectable meds. We start the whole process on Monday morning. I don't know what it all entails, so I'm a little nervous about the whole process. All The nurse said was you do multiple ultrasounds and daily injections until you're ready for insemination. Sounds so pleasant, right? Yeah, I don't think so either. I have to keep my eye on the end product...another precious baby. Neil and I have decided that we will do this for one, maybe two months and then go from there. But I don't want to think about that. Let's just hope this month works. Think happy thoughts...

Catching Up! Summer 2011