I stumbled upon this blog post a while back and have been meaning to post it, but haven't gotten around to it. If you do or have dealt with infertility, it will speak to your heart. I almost cried reading it, but since I was in the middle of class, and should have been paying attention, I refrained. This is a must read.

Life Beyond College

What, you say? Yes, it's true, after years and years and years and years and....okay, you get the picture, I finally finished my life of college. I'll be graduating with a B.S. degree in Behavioral Science, with an emphasis in Social Work. The long nights and early mornings of studying 10+ hours a day for a test (don't worry, if you know me you know this only happened for a couple of courses where the professor was especially difficult), the days of studying while you have a sleeping newborn in your arms (fond memories of those days), the days of wondering if there really was life beyond college, the days of having the most love/hate relationship with the whole idea of school, the days of having a baby then returning to school two weeks later...those are all finally behind me!

Now, I'm left with the question of what now? How is a "normal" mother supposed to act? What does she do all day long? I've been so consumed in finishing my education and running around like a madman that I'm stumped as to what to do next.

It's a weird feeling being finished with school. After I had finished one semester, I would always have this sense of completion, like a load has been taken off, but I always knew another semester was right around the corner and so, I would gear up for that. But now I don't have another semester to gear up for, my sense of completion is also one of finality. While I sit at night, after I have gotten the girls in bed, I run through my head everything that needs to be done before the next morning. The list usually goes something like this: straighten up house, do at least one load of laundry, do some homework...okay, do a lot of homework. Now it goes a little differently and as I thinking I'm missing something, I know the opposite is true, I don't need to do homework anymore...weird...

Now, as for baby bean, he/she is doing wonderfully. I went to my first doctor's appointment the other day and found out that I am a whooping 2 weeks further along than I guessed. I liked hearing that. I also got to hear baby's heartbeat (I didn't think I would get to) and man, that is always magical. I'm due June 16th, but since I'm having a C-section, that date will probably be a week earlier, and if this baby is anything like his/her older sisters, he/she will come three weeks early....but we shall see. Which this makes me 13 weeks along. I have only been sick for about a week, and it seems to be already wearing off, I haven't thrown up in 2 days, I've come close, but I haven't.

Life, it ain't easy. It's so tough, it's easy...

Thanks a Bunch

I know November is over and it's now December, but I feel that I must write this post, as late as I may be. I've been slacking at blogging lately, but like I said previously, life is perfectly boring. I need to write a simple post to show my gratitude. It's something I need to do more often, not just around Thanksgiving, but this time of year reminds me to show how grateful I am.

I am so incredibly grateful for my Emma and Claire, they are true miracle babies in their own unique way, Emma for A) being so easy to conceive and B) she almost wasn't able to be on earth with our family. Claire for taking two years to conceive and then being exactly what I need to learn so many things. She has taught me to have so much patience, it's almost unbelievable. They are the reason I get out of bed in the mornings when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head. I'm also grateful for baby bean Thomas, that's slowly growing in my belly. This little nugget is also my miracle baby and I'm already madly in love with this babe.

Emma almost not being here brings me to my next thankful moment. I am so indescribably grateful to my Father in Heaven, for too many reasons to name, but namely for being the calm in my life, for reminding me that everything will eventually be okay. When Emma was born, we honestly didn't know if she would make it, and if she did, we didn't know if she was going to suffer from brain damage. This wasn't supposed to happen to me, she looked so perfect, to have to say good-bye to her was breaking my heart. I remember the night Emma was born, I hadn't slept for at least 36 hours and I was so physically and mentally exhausted, I didn't know if I could make it. I was continually praying to my Heavenly Father on behalf of Emma and that night, as I was saying my prayers, I kept falling asleep. I finally gave up on starting over every time I woke up, He would most definitely understand, and he must have. Because as I finally finished, as tired as I was, I can clearly remember arms engulfing me in the biggest, most heart warming hug I've ever experienced. My mind was instantly put at ease, I didn't get a voice telling me everything was going to be okay, just the perfect hug that I needed, a feeling of peace and calm, and the knowledge that my perfect baby was going to be just that, perfect. And she is. She's just as I would want her to be, sassy, witty, beautiful, and smart. There are many more instances when Heavenly Father has been there for me so much more than I deserve, but this example is the one that sticks with me the most.

I am so grateful to Neily Poo and everything he is to me and the girls, and the many roles he plays in our family. He's not simply a father, he's a daddy, a husband, a lover (yes I went there), the income earner, the cook, the priesthood holder and sometimes even the mom. Any man can be a father, but to be a dad, I couldn't ask for more.

As school is winding down next week, it reminds me of how grateful I am to be able to have an education. I will graduate and have my Bachelor degree next week and while I'm so excited to be done (it's been a long and tiring road. And the most amazing learning experience ever), there will also be a part of my life missing. It's been such a huge part for the last 24 years, and now it's over. I had a professor of mine actually warn me that I will be going through a mourning period, because I will be mourning a loss, and I can totally see that...I'm bracing for it. I've seen so many women give up on their education because they got married or had children, and it makes me so sad. Why give up on something you obviously wanted at one point because you're growing up? What example are you showing to your potential children? What are you going to do if something happens to your husband and he can't work anymore? Will you be able to step up to the plate and support your family when they absolutely need it? Sorry...off my soap box.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, these are just a few that are coming to my mind tonight. I sure did ramble...sorry.

Happenings of the Thomas Clan

I haven't written a lot in the last couple of weeks because, well, because not much has been going on at all. Our lives are really normal and boring, but I love it that way, I hate big surprises (at least bad big surprises).

Since nothing has really been going on I thought I would entertain you all by these few photos I've taken on my phone. Don't worry, I know there are not pictures of Claire. It's not because I don't love her, because trust me, I do, it's just she A) won't sit still for two seconds to get a half-decent picture and B) she absolutely hates to smile for cameras...trust me on this one...it's quite miserable when we try to get her pictures taken.

I took Emma to Disney on Ice on Saturday. She was in HEAVEN! She ran in that morning almost shaking, saying, "Mommy! Today we get to go see the princesses!!!" I told her yes, but she needed to go back to bed for a little bit (it was like 5 in the morning). She just HAD to dress-up like Rapunzel, I figured why not. It was so cute, the whole time she kept saying, "Mommy, people will think I'm the real Rapunzel because I have really long hair and am dressed like her, but I'm not the real Rapunzel! That's silly." I love my not so baby girl! The reason it was just Emma and I was because Neil detests ice skating, so instead of taking the whole family he said he would stay home and watch Claire while Emma and I went, it was totally worth every penny to see the pure joy in that girl's face. I'm not going to lie, I almost cried to see her so full of joy.

A few weeks ago is snowed enough for there to be a skiff of snow on the ground. Emma ran inside, got all dolled up in her winter clothes, and headed outside to play in the snow with her friends. A little wile later she comes running inside to grab a "big" carrot for the snowman's nose she told me she was making. I got her one and she ran back outside. A few minutes later she runs in again telling me she needs some grapes for her snowman's eyes. I asked her what she was going to use for the mouth...she was stumped. So I grabbed her a whole bunch of grapes for both the eyes and mouth. She was so thrilled. This was her finished product. I think it's pretty amazing. It just needs to snow more so she can make more now.



See...not a lot going on. This pregnancy is absolutely HEAVEN (knock on wood). I get a little yucky feeling if I haven't eaten anything in a while, but that's nothing. Plus, I don't like smells whatsoever, whether it smells good or bad, I just don't like strong smells, but again, nothing. Especially compared to Emma and Claire's pregnancies...miserable absolutely miserable, especially Emma. That's our boring life, enjoy.

The Good, the Wonderful, and the Sick

Trying to think of where to begin this post is overwhelming, where to begin? Neil and my hearts' are extremely full, we couldn't be more grateful to our Heavenly Father and the blessing he has given us, the trust he has in us. We're overjoyed and feel extremely blessed to say that we are finally expecting baby number three. I am barely, barely along, but Neil had to tell everyone yesterday, when we found out on his birthday, so if we're going to post it all over Facebook, let's do it all over blogger as well, right? Why not.

It's funny, we really weren't expecting me to be pregnant at all (I mean, of course that would be nice, but we didn't think I was at all). I had been taking Provera to induce my period so we could start on the next treatment, my doctor had informed me that it slightly increases your chance of pregnancy, but I didn't think much of it and didn't even tell Neil about that part because I didn't want to make it a huge deal.

I knew it could take up to two weeks after taking Provera for your period to come, but usually I start pretty quickly after taking medicine like this, even though I have never taken Provera before. So yesterday morning after I woke up, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to get rid of those pesky "what ifs". Like I said, I knew for a fact I wasn't pregnant, Neil was out eating breakfast with his dad and twin brother for their birthday and we had an extra test that would just go to waste if I didn't use it. So I took it, set it on the counter and washed my hands. I look over, fully expecting the test to not be ready to read yet or for it to say, "not pregnant". Instead I see the word pregnant, I had to take a double take, then I thought for sure there was a glare and I couldn't see the "not", so I pick up the test and stare at it thinking to myself, "there's not a not there! THERE'S NOT A NOT THERE!"

I immediately start shaking and call Neil, remember he had no idea about any of this. When he answered I started crying and told him I have the best birthday present ever for him, he was really confused and asked what it was. That's when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't believe me at first, even though he knew I would never, ever joke about something like that. I took a picture and sent it to him, just so he knew I wasn't lying and that I know how to read.

We are so excited and can't wait for this new little one to join us. We joke about how we've spent thousands of dollars to go through all these procedures, doctor visits, etc. and all it took was a $4 pill and for us to do it the old fashioned way. I think from now on we'll start there. Oh, I'm not sick...yet. But I know it's coming. I can't ever escape a pregnancy without getting sick...

We want to thank everyone for their love, support and prayers. We've felt them all and we feel so grateful to have so many loving people surrounding us. Thank you everyone, we love you.

My Story

I've decided that my infertility story is quite different than most. I've been searching the web-o-sphere, just trying to find some kind of connection with others that are dealing with what I'm dealing with. And while I can find women with heart-breaking stories, that I can connected with and understand, I also find a....void...disconnect...something with these wonderful women, mainly because they are, unfortunately, trying for their first precious baby. I have yet to meet someone who has the same infertility journey as I, so I've decided to let you all in on my unconventional story, mainly for sake that maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and be right here with me and not feel so alone.

Neil and I were married on June 2, 2006. Neil was 20 and I was 18, you heard me right, 18. On July 4, 2006, exactly one month and two days after we were wed, we found out we were expecting out first child. I was flabbergast. This was not how my life was supposed to go, but none-the-less we were excited to bring our baby girl into the world due March 16, 2007. But she surprised us and came 3 weeks early and extremely sick. She was life-flighted and stayed in the NICU for a week before coming home. I almost lost my baby and I was terrified.

When Emma was around 4 or 5 months old I started to get the feeling that it was time to try for another baby. A thought that scared the poop right out of me. Hello, do you not see how easy it was for number one to come. But I finally gave in when Emma was around 7 or 8 months old. We decided to just take it slow and see what happened. After about six months with no luck Neil and I started to get suspicious. We knew all along that my cycles were extremely irregular, I actually hadn't had one since Emma was born, but we trudged along hoping and praying that in due time we'd have another baby.

After a year of trying and no luck of becoming pregnant I went to my regular doctor to see what could be the cause. He pretty much referred me to a RE because he didn't feel comfortable doing too much. In November of 2008 Neil and I went to our first appointment with our (my) RE. He put me on Clomid for 3 months and said if that didn't work to come back.

Well, it didn't work. I went back and he told me I need to do an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see if my tubes were blocked or if during any of my surgeries prior to becoming pregnant with Emma (C-section and gall bladder removal) may have caused scarring and made it difficult for the egg to implant. But that came back normal so he put me on a drug called Femara and we coupled that with IUI.

Month one, no luck. Tears in this household were plentiful. I was done, I wanted to get off the roller-coaster now, it was no longer fun. We had been doing this for almost two years and still no glimmer of a baby. Neil and I made the difficult decision that after two years we'd look into adoption...I had four months to go...

Month two of Femara and IUI...baby here we come! We got the news we'd been waiting for, Emma was going to be a big sister...and she was on March 11, 2010. We couldn't have been happier.

When Claire turned one Neil and I decided it was time to start on the path of trying for baby number three. We knew it could happen really fast, or take some time. We thought for sure we were ready to tackle this again. We'd been through this once, we knew what to expect, bring it on!

It's now been 6, going on 7, months, which don't get me wrong, really isn't a long time, especially in the infertility world. But I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't ready for it to be even MORE difficult than it was with Claire. I was expecting, "Here's your Femara, call when you're ready to be inseminated. Have a nice day." But it hasn't been like that at all. My emotions are completely drained. I've been hit with more roadblocks than I'd like to admit. I just want a baby, is that too much to ask for. It's a righteous desire. But I know that one day, hopefully not too far from now, I will have that precious baby (or two, I wouldn't mind getting two out of the way) and I'll be in pure bliss...until that irritating itch sets in again and it will be time to get in line for another ride of the ever so evolving roller-coaster.

You can see how my story is a little different than most. A woman was able to get pregnant without even trying, hell she was only married for a month, but then she can't have another, crazy! I hope all women that were able to get pregnant with one, two, even three, without needing help, but now want more and can't know that I don't know what you're going through, because we all experience this infertility journey differently, but I feel for you. I know the pain and loneliness from both the fertile world and the infertile world. It'a as if we're in limbo and it seems as if nobody understands what we're going through. But I also want you to know that I'm here. This needs to be talked about. Others need to know we're not just crazy baby hungry women that can't get pregnant as fast as the first time so we're automatically assuming we're infertile...we were just blessed to have an absolute miracle baby (or babies) and we have the desire to increase our family. We're dealing with infertility just like the rest of the infertile world, we put on the fake smiles (which we've mastered by now) and we pretend like we welcome all the unwanted advice. But inside we're aching, there's such a gaping hole in our hearts that nothing, no matter how hard we try, can fill. We see our children growing, getting older, and as much as we love watching them grow and develop, we miss the spirit a baby brings into the home, it's a daily reminder of the fact we already know, we need more children and we can't.

A Little Update

Remember my last post? The one about how much pain I was in...well here's what's going on now...

After the fun times I had on Monday, Tuesday came and I went to my internship...afterwards I was in so much pain I couldn't see myself going to school so I came home, took a Lortab, fell asleep and Neily Poo left for Logan. Tuesday was not a good night in the least bit. Lots of crying and begging for the pain to go away (yes even on Lortab the pain was unbearable). Wednesday morning I just had a feeling that I needed to go to the dentist one more time, I can't explain why because there was nothing there two days ago, but I went in and guess what? Yep...I needed a root canal. My dentist worked his magic and got that taken care of and I went back to my parents' (there's no way I was going to take care of my children on my own). After the numbness wore off...the pain began again. Seriously people, I have a high pain tolerance, I'm not a baby, and I would just lay there and cry.

I woke up this morning with some pain (what do you expect, I hadn't had a Lortab in like, what, 6 hours) but was able to get up and get ready for the day. It's now 6 pm and I haven't had a Lortab since 11:30...this is truly a miracle! Don't get me wrong, there is still some pain in my jaw, which is weird because the pain isn't located anywhere near where the root canal was, but it's so much better. We're all hoping and praying this answers everything.

I want to thank everybody for their prayers and support, I feel like such a baby now, but it was much appreciated. Can I tell you guys how much I love my dentist? He's seriously the best dentist this world has ever seen. He goes out of his way for me, I mean he literally fit my in to his crazy schedule two days in one week, he could have simply said he couldn't do it. He honestly cares about his patients and wants to help them in every way he can, and his staff is absolutely amazing, don't even get me started on them. I HATE going to the dentist, but knowing that I'll have my dentist and his assistant working on me calms the dread. Sorry, tangent, but it's true...I drive an hour out of my way just for my dentist...and my doctor...I have trust issues and I know I can trust these two.

Seriously, thank you everyone, it really meant the world to me that there are so many wonderful and caring people in my life. Things are finally starting to look up, and just in the nick of time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Filling You In

I've been MIA for the past few days, while the majority of the reason why I've been slacking is simply because I just didn't have anything interesting to say or I didn't feel up to it, something finally has happened...something that has me reeling yet again.

Last Saturday I started having intense pain on the right side of my face. It would come and go as it pleased but when it came...oh...it was terrible. I took Advil and Excedrin to see if that would help with the pain, and it didn't even touch it. Yesterday (Monday) morning I called my dentist to see if he could fit me in, because I thought it was a tooth or something along those lines because it was mainly hurting around my jaw. They got me in and and examined EVERYTHING, x-rays, trying to make my teeth react to stimuli, everything, and nothing happened. He came to the conclusion that it isn't my teeth. He informed me that he thinks it may be Trigeminal Neuralgia. He wasn't sure, but he wrote me a prescription for some anti-seizure meds, told me to talk with my mom about what I wanted to do, and sent me on my way. I called my mom and she talked to my doctor (she was at work with him) and I went to see him yesterday. He told me that he thinks it may be either 1) an inflamed facial nerve or 2) Trigeminal Neuralgia...we're hoping for the inflamed facial nerve. And the prescription that my dentist wrote for me, while being the most commonly prescribed medicine for TN that works the best, can't be taken if trying to become pregnant or while pregnant. Great. My doctor wrote me a prescription for steroids, if it is just an inflamed facial nerve, and if that doesn't work he gave me a prescription for Lyrica, medicine that might work and is better for you if you are trying or are pregnant....then he hit my with another curve ball...if I'm taking fertility meds it will most likely interact adversely with Lyrica, I have to talk to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). GREAT.

If it is TN, it will affect me for the rest of my life. It may lay dormant for months, even years, then one morning BAM! it's back with a vengeance. There's no known cause or cure, it usually affects people in their 40-50s, but as you can see, it can affect those that are much younger. My life has yet again been knocked out from under my feet. I'm now on Lortab for the pain, but it's not taking it all away...oh and Neil is out of town until Thursday...oh my life...

Not What I was Expecting

I had my appointment this morning to have an ultrasound and get started on taking the injectable medicine. I'm laying there and the first this the doctor says is, "Well, there's a hemorrhagic cyst right there." He measured everything, then came back to the cyst...it's the size of a kiwi. He told me that this month I'm going to have to rest, doing injections with a cyst is too dangerous...not what I was expecting...

If I don't start my period in three weeks then he will put me on Provera, do another ultrasound, and go from there. Neil wasn't with me this appointment, the first time he hasn't been with me and it was probably the time I needed him the most, but again, we weren't expecting the appointment to go as it did. As I was getting dressed, I kept telling myself not to cry until I got in the car, I could wait that long, and I did....barely.

It's one roadblock after another, after another. I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself that it will happen in due time. But this is getting to be too much. How much more can I take til I break? Sometimes I think that just stopping would be best, but when I really think about it it breaks my heart. I can't give up, not now, I can do this.

Here's to next month...

A Big Fat No

That's what the pregnancy test told me when I nicely asked it if I was indeed pregnant. Nada. It's weird because this month I was okay with it...somewhat. I had a feeling before we even started that this month wasn't the month for me. I think that was one of Heavenly Father's tender mercies for me in my time of need, you know, to let me know and have time to accept the fact that I'm not pregnant before the dreaded negative comes. I didn't even cry when I found out, I almost did a few times, but I didn't. I was proud of myself. I've honestly had many feelings about this process, most of which are too personal to share, but I've known that this process is going to take longer than I want it to take, and other little intuitions. I'm thankful for those, they let me know that my loving Heavenly Father is still guiding me through this. He's still listening to my pleas, and that he still loves me.

Now Neil and I have had multiple talks about where to go if this did happen, what our choices are and what we want to do next. We've researched everything IVF entails and have decided that, at least for right now, that's not the best option for us. With me in school and juggling everything else we're juggling, I honestly don't think we could do it and stay sain. So, with that being said, we're going to do the injectable meds. We start the whole process on Monday morning. I don't know what it all entails, so I'm a little nervous about the whole process. All The nurse said was you do multiple ultrasounds and daily injections until you're ready for insemination. Sounds so pleasant, right? Yeah, I don't think so either. I have to keep my eye on the end product...another precious baby. Neil and I have decided that we will do this for one, maybe two months and then go from there. But I don't want to think about that. Let's just hope this month works. Think happy thoughts...

Catching Up! Summer 2011

She's off

Emma started preschool this morning. Look how big my baby is! She was so excited, but I noticed that when she realized that I wasn't going to stay with her, she started to get a little nervous. But I know she is doing great and she will love every minute of it! Isn't she the prettiest four year old in the world?!

Just Stop Thinking About It

It feels like I get that advice quite a lot while trying for a baby. "Just relax, stop thinking about it. It seems that whenever I stopped thinking about that is when I got pregnant." Well good for you, it's not so easy for me. I kind of really have to think about it, and I try my darnedest to relax. Some of my other favorites are, "Just remember that God's timeline is not our timeline and it will happen when Heavenly Father sees fit." But I must admit that my all time favorite is, "Well, just be grateful you already have two children." Really? I mean, really? You're really going to throw that back in my face? It's like you're saying to me, "You already have two children so stop your whining!" You don't think that hasn't crossed my mind before? You think by telling me this I'm going to walk away and think, "Oh my gosh! They were right! I need to get over it." Thank you, but I am extremely grateful for my two beautiful daughters. They are my life and love, I don't know where I would be without them in my life. The other day I was talking to a family member about this exact advice and I love her response, she stated that whether you have no children or 100, if you want another child, the heartache is the same. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Don't get my wrong, I know people who give me advice aren't meaning to be rude, they are honestly trying to help. They don't understand that their advice hurts me and continually reminds me of what I already know. I know to relax, and I try to. I know that God's timeline is not our timeline, every night I pray to him for patience and the knowledge of his plan for me. Don't get me wrong, I also pray for a baby, but I know that going through this is a learning experience, and I know that I need to learn patience. And I know that I already have two children, thanks for the reminder. Just FYI, if you know someone is dealing with infertility, please, PLEASE don't give them any advice, I can pretty much guarantee they don't want to hear it...that is unless you have also dealt with it and they ask you for advice...

As of now, I'm in the middle of the dreaded two week wait, the time between the IUI and the time I can take a test to see if I'm pregnant. It's excruciating, I read into every little thing...probably too much. I expect the worst, but hope for the best. It's a 24/7 mind game in this household.

The Goings On

Has time ever seemed like it has almost come to a stop for you? I absolutely hate it when that happens, and it seems as if this week was the dreaded week for me. One day seriously felt like it drug on for a three days. It was miserable, but it looks as if I survived to tell the tale.

School started up again, and for the last time, on Monday. It felt good to finally be back in school and feel like I have some direction in my life. I really do love school, but I can't wait to be finished with it. I thought school would make time go by faster, but so far no such luck.

Emma starts preschool on Tuesday. It still baffles me that she is old enough to leave me for 2 1/2 hours three days a week. She will have a blast though. I do worry about her poor teacher, I know everyone says their children have endless energy, and I'm sure them do, but my little Emma Lou...she's in a league of her own. And to top it off she has an extremely short attention span. It will make for an interesting year.

Then there's my little Claire Bear. I love this girl! She's at the fun age where she loves to play and giggle. She jabbers her jibberish like she knows what she's talking about. She loves hanging out the door and yelling outside for "EMMAM! EMMAM!" It's so cute! She also thinks she's the funniest thing ever when you ask her to say mama, she will get a smirk on her face and say, "dada. Hehehe". How could you not love that? She also loves to take off her diaper and say "Poopoo. Poopoo." Love that girly girl!

Neil is still busy at work, as usual. But starting this week he will know how it feels to be a stay-at-home-dad two days a week while I go to work/school until 3. But then he's off to work until late that night. Crazy busy, but we love it.

Last night we watched our neighbor's chillins while they went out to dinner and a movie for Nick's birthday. We love watching the babies! They love to play with each other and have fun. Here are a few pictures. Neil makes things he calls octodogs, he gets a hotdog and slices it up, then he sticks uncooked spaghetti noodles in it, boils it until everything is cook. The kids LOVE it and gobbled it all up like it was candy!

We went to the dollar store today and we found this mask. Claire loved it and we have to take a picture.

Claire Bear and Miss Lavi Lou on a bike ride with with gang. They sit back and relax the whole time.

Emma eating her "Octodog".

All smiles! Isn't he beautiful?

Coy Boy and his "Octodog".

Late Night Snack Time!

This is an amazing snack known as the Grilled Mac'n Cheese.

Tuesday 8/30/11

I love my little Claire-Bear. She loves her Daddy!

Monday!

Popsicles before bedtime

Sunday

Well today started off with Emma waking me up, and the two of us watching some cartoons downstairs. Ali soon followed, and we all enjoyed a colorful bowl of fruit loops for breakfast. Claire woke up exceptionally early today, 9:30!? She typically wakes up around 11:00 or so.

When we got to church, Claire showed us how tired she was. Sacrament seems like an eternal struggle with children. We might not enjoy it now, but I bet when we're old and gray, we will miss all the chaos.
After sacrament, all the primary classes stayed in the chapel to practice for the upcoming program. This was a problem, because Ali and I are Senior Primary teachers, and Emma is in the Jr. Primary. This meant Emma continually kept coming over to try and sit with our class, but we insisted she sit with hers. She then began the waterworks. I caved, and allowed her to sit with us for a while. During this time, the microphone happened to be in my hands. She persisted in asking if she could try the mic. I replied with a stern "No" several times, until I was so sick of her asking, I sarcastically said "Yes"! I forget four year olds do not yet comprehend most forms of sarcasm. Emma quickly grabbed the microphone, brought it to her mouth and yelled,
"Hi, my name is Emma Thom-".
Emma didn't even finish her sentence. She immediately dropped the microphone, and buried her head in my arms. She began sobbing and saying,
"I'm so embarrassed!!!". She remained nestled and crying for the remainder of church.
I told her that when we got home, she would have to take a nap due to her inability to stop crying. After hearing this, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw her closing her eyes while intently repeating a phrase in a whispering voice. I asked her,
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing!", she replied.
"No, I heard you say something. Tell me." I demanded.
"I was wishing that I was at Grandma Sue's" she responded, and quietly resumed her "wishing".
After we got home, we had dinner, and then went outside to play. Emma and Claire played around in the princess cruiser. They had fun. The neighbor kids enjoyed chasing them, or letting the girls pull them on their rollerblades.



Close to the end of their playing, Emma spotted a dandelion ready for blowing. She abruptly stopped her cruiser, carefully leaned out of her car, and picked the dandelion. She examined the dandelion for a moment, and just before puffing her cheeks full of air, she whispered,
"I wish I were at Grandma Sue's!". She then blew the seeds in all directions, threw the now empty dandelion on to the grass, and continued playing. She is funny. I guess her escape from reality is her Grandma's house. Nothing wrong with that. I used to think the same thing with my Grandma.


In closing, it was a pretty good day. I am not excited however, for my wife's summer to end. She starts school tomorrow, and so begins the crazy work schedules for me, and a very hectic life for the The Wolfpack.

Fun Times

Today, after an early morning at the Dr's and an afternoon nap, we went to dinner with my parents to celebrate Ali's birthday. Below is a picture of Claire at the restaurant. She loves chips and salsa.

After dinner, we made our way to the park to feed ducks, and then to the reservoir. On the way there, Emma saw a herd of cows (below), and inquisitively said,
"Do you guys see those cows? they are doing a blessing of a baby." It made us laugh. I turned the car around and got a picture of the cows so I would remember that.

When we got to the reservoir, the girls couldn't wait to get in. Emma wasn't afraid of the water like she typically is. It was a new feeling having to tell her to come closer, and not go so deep. Didn't realize 2 weeks of swimming lessons changed her that much? They had a lot of fun.

Over all, busy day. Now the fun part begins... the waiting. 2 weeks from today, we will find if today's procedure worked. One can always hope.

Cant forget to throw this in. It is a video of Emma trying out an app on my phone, in the which she decided to sing:

Neil's Rantings

Today we went to the andrology lab at the U for a 4th attempt of IUI (intrauterine insemination). I really hope it works this time, because the next options cost quite a bit more. Regardless, we will do what it takes to get pregnant.

This is not my first rodeo. Today was the eighth time I have provided a sample of semen for some lab to clean and prepare for insemination. It remains to be one of the most awkward feelings I have ever felt, that is, walking out of "the room" where I had just "provided" a sample. Everyone knows what I just did! I can feel their stinging eyes on me as I walk into the waiting room to sit back down with Ali. The other thing I hate thinking about, is seeing the comfortable looking couch in this little room that seems to be saying to me, "Guess how many guys I've been with?". Let's just say I cover the whole area with towels before I do anything. Even worse, was The Dr. we saw when we were trying for Claire, had pictures of Christ hung on the walls right before you walk in to the collection room. That was wonderful! All in all, my part of the IUI is awkward, unlike Ali's fun time she get's to have once they clean and prepare the sample! Let's just say, I'm not jealous.

I never thought that it would be hard to have children. I remember growing up and hearing in the media how you're not supposed to have unprotected sex, because you will get pregnant! I only wished it was that easy! I especially hate shows like "16 and Pregnant", because that's a kick in the face to Ali and I. Some stupid little kids that don't even know what love is and don't even want a baby, are so easily blessed with one? Where is the justice in that? I hate it! The funny thing is though, Ali is obsessed with that show. I don't know how she can watch it.

I guess the one positive thing for couples struggling with infertility is they have no need for contraceptions of any sorts. Saves money, saves time, and makes things easier.

If it does work this time, I hope it's a boy. I have two beautiful and rambunctious girls. A boy would help with our current ratio. So many hormones already..

Well, this is all I have to say for now. Until next time...

-Neil

FYI:

I know, I know

So it's been a while...only like, what, a year? Get over it.

Life has been so crazy, I can't even believe it. Claire is walking and talking like a madman, Emma starts preschool in a couple weeks, Neil is still working like a madman, and I'll FINALLY be done with school in December! Needless to say, we're crazy busy. Oh and did I mention that I may or may not go on to graduate school, yep, my dreams and aspirations have changed yet again. Instead of becoming a Social Worker, I may go into Nursing. Ah....the decisions of life.

This summer has been a blast! We've played outside everyday and it's been so nice, it's kind of hard to see it go, but I'm not going to lie, it will be nice to have Emma gone a few hours a week so Claire and I can have fun, that is if I'm not working (internship) instead.

As the summer comes to an end it leaves me in deep thought and contemplation. Tomorrow Neil and I head up to Salt Lake for our 4th round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Yes, we're crazy and are trying for another hellion to join our clan. Four rounds of this shiz, yo! It's not fun in the least bit. We first met with our Dr. in April, did one month with just Clomid to make sure it made me ovulate, and then we paired IUI up with that. Have I mentioned before that the insemination costs 335-345 doll hairs and insurance doesn't cover one penny of that, add on top of that the Clomid, Prometrium (progesterone I have to take), and other odds and ends, we spend well over $400 a month on this.

Yesterday Neil and I met again with our doctor to discuss our options since Clomid clearly isn't covering it. It's weird, the same feelings, emotions, and thoughts that I had when we were first trying for Claire came over me all over again. I already suspected what he was going to say, but you always hope for better news, I always assume the worst, that way I'm never disappointed. He confirmed, and even went beyond my biggest "fears", for lack of a better word. He told me that this next cycle he wanted me to come in for a SIS (Saline Infused Sonogram) around day 12 to see if I had any follicles ready to be released and then do the HCG trigger shot to ensure the follicles are released. He told me that one month of that would be all I needed to do and if that doesn't work I then have two options to chose from (this is where my fears are realized).

Option 1) fertility injections coupled with IUI. That statistics he gave us are A) this is the most uncontrolled thing they do, his analogy was it's like getting in a car that has no breaks. B) the success rate of pregnancy it 12-15% C) The risk of multiples is 25-45% (yes, that is how Kate got her plus 8) D) the cost will be $1200-1500 a cycle....fun right? Not so much.

Option 2) IVF...enough said there. Statistics A) 60% successful pregnancy rate for my age group B) 50% twin to start, 35% obtained C) cost...$10,000-12,000.

I honestly think my heart stopped, seriously. I about broke down into tears right then and there, but then I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. I told him what day of my cycle I was on and what I should do, if I should just do what I have been doing previous months or take and break or what. Apparently it was perfect timing, we did the SIS right there and found two very big follicles. I took the HCG shot last night and tomorrow we head up to see if this month is our lucky month. Because honestly if it doesn't work this month we are totally out of options. How could we possible afford either of those options, what we're doing now is taking a toll on our pocket book. The pain I feel everyday is real and tangible, to me. Having a baby consumes my thoughts day and night. To come to terms with the fact that because you don't have enough money, you then can't have more children, the children you yearn for, the children you know are waiting to come be a part of your family. It's something I would never wish on my worst enemy.

Wow, that was random! But I needed to get it off my chest and out of my head. I'm going to do better at updating and whatnot...hopefully. I can't promise anything. Peace out.

1 & 4 yr old pictures!

Here is the link to the pics:

www.neilrthomas.photoshop.com

UPDATE! WHAT WHAT?!?

So it has been a while......